Month: May 2017

So I sit…..

I stumbled around my house today, ever so grateful that I had no appointments and nothing scheduled to do.

There is always cleaning and tidying. Household chores that are mind numbing and can be done on auto-pilot; yet… never ending.

I threw some laundry in and loaded the dishwasher. Swept haphazardly and relocated some toys.

But mostly I sat…….

I’m, constantly, on the verge of tears; thoughts racing through the corridors of my mind. Simple tasks are too difficult to execute. I should be able to make a nail appointment. I was even there in the shopping mall. But I couldn’t…..it requires more energy than I have. How lame is that?

I can hear the words I need to say and know that my day is free tomorrow and the next, but…..”asking for something” is too much. Even if it’s just an appointment that I’ll be paying for.

I waste energy, questioning why I can’t do this…..energy that I don’t have to spare….am I scared they will be too busy (rejection)? Is it just the social interaction (introvert, much)? Am I just useless (negative self talk)? I dismiss that last thought as garbage but it still bothers me that the thought is there in the first place.

I look at the clock and realize that it’s almost time to pick up the kids. I’m praying that today’s been a smooth day and that no one will be too disregulated even though that prayer feels futile.

Jer called me twice and Jon twice on his walk to school this morning. The fact that he went, speaks to his resilience in the midst of this storm. But guaranteed it’s been a day spent on high alert and he’ll be exhausted when he comes home.

Siah should have gone swimming with his class today but didn’t. I’m not sure how much of it is anxiety and how much is autism. He loves swimming and water….so something’s up……

Judah went to school today, only because I let him have a mental health day yesterday and told him that the pay off was that he went for the rest of the week with no whining. He did whine this morning but went anyway.

I just want to run away. I’m definitely feeling the flight aspect of the “fight/flight/freeze” scenario but that’s not an option that I have the luxury of holding onto.

So I sit…..

To Be Known and Loved

This week has been a tough one.  One of my boys has been discriminated against because of a lack of understanding of who he is, what his struggles are and what supports he needs.

I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what I’ve been feeling this week.  This situation could have been avoided had there been more understanding, more inclusion, more compassion, more knowledge, and less selfishness.

If people had taken the time, energy and effort to know my son…..to really know him……they would not have treated him the way that they did.

If they had looked for and discovered his heart and soul….they would not have judged his struggles as defiance or disobedience.

If they had looked for, and discovered his abilities….then his disabilities would have been overshadowed.

If they had looked for and recognized his intense desire for relationship and connection…….they would have been able to see beyond the anxiety and disregulation.

I keep coming back to this idea of “knowing” and of “being known”.  I believe there is a desire in all of us to really, truly be known.  Maybe that thought terrifies us….maybe it excite us…..

I believe that our biggest fear in being truly seen and known, is the fear of being rejected……of not being accepted. That’s what we, all, want…isn’t it?  To be known and to be loved, exactly for who we are. I’m not saying that we should never grow or work on areas of weakness. Growth and Personal Healing are critical, but being loved and accepted for who you are is so important.

I know that this is one of my deepest desires and yet, if I’m completely honest……I’m terrified that if you truly knew me, that you’d reject me.

I don’t know why I think that.

I don’t think I’m a bad person.  I try to be authentic, open, and honest.  If you only know me online, I believe that I’m the same person in real life.  I can be funny.  I can be serious.  I try to live with compassion and not judge.  I want to exemplify love in my words and my actions. I don’t shy away from the truth, nor do I want to hurt people with it. I share about the good and the bad. I speak with way too many exclamation marks and periods……..just like I type!!! I find it difficult to speak without my hands, without using facial expressions, and my whole body.

And yet……..

I often feel like I’m too “big”…….too “expressive”…….too “expansive”……

I feel like I’m constantly diminishing my true self because my true self is overwhelming.

I LONG for connection and yet, I’m terrified of it.

And maybe this is why I feel SO strongly for my children…….I see their intense desire for connection.  I see their yearning for relationship.  I see their hunger to be known………and accepted……and cherished.

And yet,  they are big……their personalities can be larger than life.  They can be overwhelming at times. But I SEE them……I KNOW THEM!

I see their hearts.
I see their souls.
I see their goodness.
I see their kindness.
I see their compassion.
I see their innocence.
I see their love.
I see their passion.
I see their zeal.

I KNOW THEM.

And yet, they’ve been hurt….too many times!

They’ve been hurt because people didn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t look beyond the struggles and disabilities to see them…..to truly KNOW them.

It hurts.
It hurts them.
It hurts me.

I believe that we miss out on some of the most precious treasures in the world, if we dismiss those who may be differently abled.

Maybe in really, truly seeing and accepting others; we too, will be seen and accepted………..what would our world look like then?

 

 

Daily Photos

Daily Photos

Quiet Saturday Mornings are precious. It's been a tough week and ended with a huge disappointment for one of my boys. We get the honour of walking him through this with grace and integrity; but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish people could really "see" my boys. See their hearts. See beyond any "disability" to all the incredible abilities. #growthregardless #autism #autismacceptance #quietsaturday #jeremyjude #siahchristopher #judahzane #acceptance #compassion #humanity
Posted by Intagrate Lite