Will This Year Ever End?

I’m feeling a little tired and discouraged with my life today.

This has been a BRUTALLY LONG YEAR, and on top of last year when I was so stressed out from being pregnant with Josiah and really just hoping that he’d live, but not really sure if that was going to happen or not, to having him born – living, and then suriviving the first few months – dairy allregies and all….well, last year was rough, and this year has been rough, but in a whole different way.

I was commenting to someone that last year felt like a year of terror. I just lived in fear on a daily basis – I know that’s not very good, but you get pregnant 4 times in a row and have those 4 babies die and tell me that you wouldn’t be nervous or scared when the 5th time rolled around.

As I was saying, this year has been just as rough, but surrounding a different matter.

I kinda feel like this year is or has been my year of “Learning how to be content with whatever state I am in“.

Sometimes, I do better than other times. Sometimes I can be content knowing that everything will work out, and other times I get so frustrated when things aren’t going smoothly.

I’m so sick of miscommunication, and misunderstandings, and of words being used wrongly and of assumptions being made, and well……imagine living in months and months of this. It could get to you to, I would hazard a guess.

It seems like once again things are unstable, and I know that “incorrectly” – I want to just crawl into a hole, isolate myself, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with situations like this anymore.

I know that’s not the “right” thing to do, but I wonder sometimes if I have the energy to just. keep. going.

I will keep going. I will keep working towards building relationships. I will keep choosing to make good decisions, but somtimes……sometimes it all overwhelems me, and I just want to hide….to hide away from it all and not have to deal with any of it…..even just for a time. Kinda like if you’ve hurt yourself some how, and if you just sit still for long enough, you can gather just enough energy to get up and get some help.

I’m just feeling very tired about this whole year…..can I sit still for the next 4 months?

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys. View all posts by Patricia Culley