Temporary ADD

I’m so frustrated right now. I mentioned this yesterday, but it’s true.

I’m aware that we are dealing with a lot and yet……even knowing that, doesn’t change the fact that I’m frustrated because I’m not functioning well.

Typically I can accomplish a certain amount of things, I can make mental lists and not forget details. I can “see” the lists inside my brain and don’t even need a “paper list” or to use my Blackberry. I can remember dates and names and phone numbers and cross reference them inside myself. I hear Jon talking about his appointments and I can process and integrate all his appointments with our family calendar and pull up vague references and details at will……Reading all of that back, I sound a bit like a machine……but a super, awesome, shiny, sparkly, friendly, super cool machine, right???

Now imagine that machine with glue or honey poured into it. Yah, that’s how I feel!

I’m aware that I used to be able to function at one level and I’m annoyed that I cannot currently function at that level…..especially when that ability to process and accomplish could be SO USEFUL in our lives right now.

I have to write out lists or whatever I was thinking about…..GONE!

I even have a notebook, so that I don’t end up with 50 scrap pieces of paper, as that would just be more to lose or misplace.

It’s really bad when I can’t remember where I put my notebook and by the time I do locate it….what I was going to write down……GONE!

And then if I take the time to sit down and concentrate about what I needed or wanted to write down….I might remember 3 or 4 things that I had previously wanted to write on that list and had forgotten about but there is always that one thing niggling at the back of my mind that I know I’ve forgotten about. I think that knowing that I’ve forgotten something makes it worse, for me.

And then if I go to accomplish what’s on my list, without fail, I’ll finish what I’m doing and remember what it was that I forgot. Especially frustrating when it’s an out of the home activity that I’m trying to accomplish.

So Annoying!

I’m messing up dates of appointments, and am so far behind on e-mail and “the administration” of my house…..GAH! People say they’ve told me things and I have no recollection of it. NONE AT ALL!

I’m even……..GASP!!!!!! Inefficient these days. I hate being inefficient.

I LOVE BEING EFFICIENT! I’m sitting here trying to come up with a picture to explain just how amazing ,being efficient makes me feel and I’m aware how much time I’m wasting because “the words” just aren’t there. That fact is frustrating too.

It’s ALL frustrating. I try to see how this could be good. I believe that you can learn from most things in your life. I believe that, most of the time, you can take something good away from even the bad things in your life. And so even in the middle of my frustration, I ask myself – WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS?

Yah, that’s probably pretty honest too….I’m probably screaming it out just like that, except……you know…… inside myself….because…well, I don’t want to scare the children or any small animals that might be close by.

It doesn’t take the frustration away or make any of this easier, but………

I can be more compassionate to those for whom “organization” and “administration” is not a strength. *ahem* Jon *ahem*.

Being serious though – compassion, patience, understanding, grace and mercy……these are all areas that I can grow in, be more aware of and learn from this situation. Because right now….these are all things that I’m needing from others and if I’m totally honest, from myself.

But…it doesn’t make it any easier and I’m still frustrated.

But it does make me stop and think….what are others going through? That girl in the line in front of me who’s staring off into space when she should be running her groceries onto the belt…..Instead of thinking about how she’s so slow or how I managed to pick the ONE LINE with the SLOOOOOOOOOW person – I want to think to myself…….What’s consuming her and why? The guy who’s driving slower than the posted speed…..instead of being mad that he’s making me late….I want to wonder why he seems so distracted? The lady in the store who’s kids are maybe just a bit too loud? Why does she seem so tired and run down? That person who was supposed to call me back and didn’t….Instead of thinking they were inconsiderate….maybe they got too busy or just forgot?

You never know what other people are going through. If there is anything I can take away from this…..

I want to be more compassionate.
I want to have more patience.
I want to be more understanding.
I want to have more grace.
I want to have more mercy.

Just being honest……….I’m still frustrated though!