I mentioned in Part 1 that I spend a great deal of time inside my house. The biggest reason for this is to keep Angelica as safe as possible.
We cannot protect her from everything and even in this environment, no matter how hard we try, there are bugs and bacteria that we cannot eliminate. When her counts get low…..she is even a danger to herself…..any cut or bump can add to the possibility for a problem….
It’s not fun.
The weight of the stress alone, is almost too much to carry; let alone just dealing with the actual chemo and the side effects it brings and add in the emotional side of things and often it can seem overwhelming, but that’s not the point of this post….
Have you ever been hurt by another person?
I have.
For different reasons and at different times in my life, my feelings got hurt and it sucked. No one likes to get hurt, do they?
Well, here is some news that I’m sure is news to no one……..PAIN and SUFFERING happen. It’s as much a part of life as breathing and dying. It happens. It’s gonna happen! It’s just a part of life. No one gets a free pass. I’ve found that when I can accept that life has good AND bad moments, I can be more at peace with myself and in turn, when I am more at peace with myself – then I have more grace for others….
In this place that I’m in………I’m uncomfortable!
I’m literally living inside walls and there are aspects of this that feel so, so, SO claustrophobic!
You see, in response to the hurt I experienced, I built walls; and these walls……..they were supposed to keep me safe and protected.
I’m not really sure what I was thinking other than I just didn’t want to get hurt again. I guess that I figured that if my walls were big enough then I could keep hurtful people from doing hurtful things to me, and then… my life would be all sunshine and roses.
People who are hurting…..they end up hurting other people and the cycle rolls around and around and around! Think about it….when are you most likely to lash out at someone….after you’ve been hurt or offended?
HA!
It doesn’t really work like that. I still got hurt!
Eventually it got to the point where I avoided people. I don’t mean that I physically avoided ALL people, but that I didn’t really allow anyone to be close to me. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable to anyone. My understanding was that if I opened myself up to people, then I was opening myself up to a world of hurt.
And in time, I found myself alone!
The walls I had built to protect myself by keeping others out created an even bigger problem…..they allowed no one in.
I was alone; oh so very, VERY alone!
Eventually, I realized that this was a horrible way to live and after a fair amount of counseling, I began to let the walls down. I’m not saying that everything was 100% better and that I had no walls and was completely open and vulnerable to everyone, but I believe I was heading in the right direction. I was in process….. I was allowing people in to see me…to see the real me; to get to know me, the real me. Yes, I recognized that I might get hurt, but honestly, being alone hurts worse.
This last year, I’ve experienced those walls in a very literal way. I’m inside these walls. We are trying to create a safe place for our daughter; and for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent most of the past year within some literal walls. It’s been a rough year. It’s been a stressful year. It’s been a very tiring year, but most of all it’s been a very lonely year!
It’s also in some ways been a very enlightening year. I have SO MUCH TIME TO THINK!
Sometimes, this is a bad thing and sometimes, it is a very good thing.
I don’t want to be separated from “life”. Yes, this is just one year. Yes, we have made choices for a reason, a good reason. Yes, it’s not forever but right now it’s a lonely time and it sucks. I understand all of the reasons and it still doesn’t make it any better or easier. And so, I’m looking forward to this “season” ending and a new season beginning.
In any case, this has really cemented in me the fact that I do not want to be alone…..I do not want to live confined within walls. I’d rather be vulnerable than alone!
(part 3 coming soon)
look at that? He has your mouth…. I remember this picture… it was in Grandpa’s pool.
Oh my gosh……I remember THAT baby girl !!!! And I think I remember that VERY day…..and all these years later, that picture also reminds m of my precious granddaughter Charlotte….family is a blessed thing. I love you Patti Lynn x x x
Patti I have so much in my heart I would like to talk to you about, I also am wondering when you were looking for a Japanese Restaurant, near the Childrens Hospital If Geli is back in the hospital. I trust I am reading it wrong but will pray for her and for all of you .and May you have a Blessed Easter. Much Love Grandma
I thought you could see alot of Judah in that pic too! Super cute. Thanks for sharing.