In My Arms

He’s 5 days old in this picture, and in my arms. 

I could cry just typing that, but I’m trying not to.  I’ve longed for this time with everything in me for so long, and am almost unbelieving that it’s my reality…..until the older three start “molesting” the baby, and I have to beat them off with a stick.

Then I have no trouble believing that he’s here.

It’s funny, ’cause at the dinner table last night, Jon asked the kids if having Josiah here was better or worse than they thought it would be.

Geli pipes up trying to sound like it’s all good, but Xan with her brutal honesty says, “It’s worse!”

At least we know that she speaks her mind….

Jon asked her to explain, and she said that Josiah is kinda boring.  All he does is sleep and eat and poop, and they can’t play with him at all.  Now, if only they’d “actually get it” as opposed to just thinking it.  They keep wanting play with him as if he’s a toy.  It probably doesn’t help that I won’t let them hold him, like….EVER!

Okay, that’s not true, and they hold him at least once a day, but I swear…..he is going tobe the most spoiled child ever.  I haven’t hardly put him down, and only very reluctantly give him over to someone else.

And I don’t even care if you think that’s a problem………..or that I might be creating a problem…..I’ll deal with that later, if I need to.  Unless you’ve held your not living child in your arms, and then had to walk away and leave him or her knowing that the one brief moment will be all you will ever have…….all you will ever know……..all you can ever hope to be able to remember……….then, you have no idea what I’ve gone through, and I will hold my child for as long as I want to.

It’s so unbelievable!  It’s hard to believe that he’s here.  Josiah is in my arms.  I don’t have to worry about whether or not he will be alive tomorrow or not.  I don’t have to wonder if he’s just sleeping and that’s why he’s not moving, or if it’s too late, and once again Ill be making that trip down the hospital hallway, and walking into that elevator without a baby car seat, and a baby in it.  Driving in an empty car where the silence is crushing me under it’s heaviness.  Coming home to a still and empty house, and realizing that I’m as empty inside as my house feels, and there is nothing I can do except to let the grief flood over and consume me.

This time the end result was so different…………Thank God!

I could just sit and stare at Josiah for hours…….except for the fact that reality hits, as my other three try to out scream each other over who gets to make pancakes with Dad this morning….’cause we couldn’t possibly take turns, now, could we?

but regardless of what goes on…….Josiah is in my arms, and I’m grateful and thankful for that, each and every moment of each and every day.

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys. View all posts by Patricia Culley