I’ve been really struggling with this whole situation.
The whole “my daughter has been diagnosed with cancer and has been in the hospital for a month and we’ve had a baby and lived apart as a family and…..”the list just continues on and on and on and on…..
I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is believing that God “can” heal Geli but questioning and struggling with believing that He’s going to come through for me this time….for her….for us…our family.
There I said it….yup….just being honest….I’m a real person. I’m not so strong. I don’t have it all together. In fact, I’m not sure I have any of it together. I’m just working on breathing one breath at a time most days…and most times right now even that seems difficult.
I know that God heals. I know that many have been healed miraculously and some have been healed with the help of the medical system and yet in spite all of that, I feel so unsure that it might happen for us.
I think this is “my” journey in all of this…….somewhere between trusting and dealing with massive fear….
I’m struggling to find even a mustard seed amount of faith in all of this.
I had a son. He died. I know that he didn’t have to die. I believe that God could have allowed different circumstances to happen in our lives and yet I know that through it all, He walked with us. He comforted us. He carried us. I don’t believe for one minute that He did that (or this) to us. I believe that we live in a world where bad things happen and that He will love, carry and comfort us through the bad things in life. I also believe that He will help good things to happen out of the bad things that come up in our lives.
I also believe that He has the power to “protect us”……..?
and yet……..I dunno…….
I just don’t understand why we’ve gone through the hard things in our lives and why He’s allowed these things to happen.
(Those stupid why’s again……)
I don’t WANT to have to “deal” or “walk through” these things.
I don’t want to be “strong enough” to overcome these situations and circumstances.
I just want my healthy family back together and for all of this to go away. And….I know it’s not gonna happen.
I think of the “process” and it’s such a long process and it overwhelms me. I’m tired. I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m stressed.
I’m having horrible dreams where my other children are getting seriously hurt or injured and waking up like that is a brutal, BRUTAL way to wake up, let alone waking up to the reality at hand.
I had a bit of a cry the other night. It was “The Ugly Cry – the light version”….. I was in the hospital room, in the dark…and I was so disappointed that we weren’t coming home and going to be together again and I’d been fighting the tears all day. I didn’t want to scare or bother Geli and so I was laying there sobbing silently into my pillow. I call it “The Ugly Cry – the light version” because with “The Ugly Cry” there is typically a lot of noise, amazing amounts of snot and tears, huge volumes of kleenex or at the very least sleeves and shirt bottoms involved and massively, MASSIVE puffy eyes at the end…..well, I was trying to be silent, had no kleenex, did have the snot and tears and when I woke up at 3:30 the next morning and went to the toilet….the beast in the mirror had the HUGEST PUFFIEST EYES and so……”The Ugly Cry – the light version”.
Apparently it relieved a little bit of the pressure, as the next day when the dr came in to tell me that Geli wouldn’t be going home until after Friday….I was okay. Not good, but okay enough to not fall apart in front of him…..
Listening to him didn’t really help my confusion and frustration as he basically said that Geli has pretty much hit the worse case scenario in every step of this journey so far…
Best case, she should have been home within the first week of being at the hospital…and yet she’s pretty much hit every complication that she could have. He’s concerned that following that track record that she might not have cleared the cancer cells by the biopsy this Thursday and may have to continue on this initial course of treatment for another two weeks….which they couldn’t even continue on with if her counts stay so low…..
It’s just has so far appeared to be a bad to worse case….I don’t want to hear that.
I don’t want to hear that he’s concerned or thinking the worse case scenario in regards to Gelica.
I want the best to happen and yet I’m scared.
I’ve been disappointed and let down in the past and this is where I need help……
I need ones to stand beside me and to speak out the positive and to believe for me and with me when my faith is low. I’m already bashing or knocking myself for having doubts and that just makes me feel worse about everything. I don’t need anyone to tell me how I “should be feeling” or what I “should believe”. Believe me, I know…….I KNOW!
And yet, this is where I’m at today….maybe I’ll be stronger tomorrow, but….things are hard right now for me….I’m not speaking for Jon or Geli or anyone else….just me.
I appreciate all your prayers and faith and belief. I want to see the absolute best for my daughter and my family. I want to believe it with every fiber of my being. I’m trying so hard. I know it “can” happen….I guess I just want assurance that it will happen. I’m just finding all of that to be a bit hard right now…..
And….I’m tired. I’m so SO tired. I don’t know where or how to find the strength that seems to be required of me in this situation. I feel like I’m too close to the end of my rope. I don’t know when things will “get better” or ease up a little and allow us to feel like we can catch our breath. It just feels like too much all at once with no chance to breath. Between Geli and her health and the hospital stay, the baby, being apart from the kids, worrying about the kids, being with the kids, being apart from Jon, being over tired, work……just everything….I feel like I’m drowning and I so desperately need things to stabilize so that we can catch our breath and re-group. I’ve gone beyond running on fumes and yet I see no end in sight…..and…..and…..and I don’t even know what to say or where to go from here or even how to end this……..
It’s just where I’m at right now…..I’m so tired and worn down.
praying for strength, and peace, and comfort for you today.
Hi Patti!
Thank you for your complete honest, know tha Joan and have. are and will be praying for yop and your family. At intercession we have been using a form or worship called laments, which is whorshiping God in both good and bad times.
Here are two examples of laments:
Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!(A)
The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]! For the Chief Musician; with my stringed instruments.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 (Amplified Bible)
When My Faith Seems So Small
Graham Ord
G Gsus4 G
The rain was lashing at my window this morning
G7 Gsus4 G
Just like it did the day before
G Gsus4 G
The wind was howling so relentlessly
G7 Gsus4 G
Finding its way under my door
C G
I liken that rain to the pain that strikes me
C G
The wind reminds me of what fear can do
C G
Even if the wind and rain came at a hurricane force
D C G
All will be calm when the sun finds its course
G6 GMaj7 Gsus4
Teach me to be peaceful
G Gsus4 G
Even in the midst of a raging storm
G6 Gmaj7 Gsus4
Show me how to trust you
G Gsus4 G
Even when my faith seems so small
A young boy says daddy the trees have blown over
They’re on the path and they’re blocking the road
Daddy exclaims ‘oh God Almighty I hope that don’t mean we cant get
home’
I liken those trees to the doubt that strikes me
The road reminds me of the way to you
Even if a forest fell on the highway
All will be clear by the time the day is through
Chorus:
Graham wrote this while at Vancouver South Vineyard after he and his wife lost a son at birth.
I am making a copy of the lamentations worship I made for last Monday and I will get it to you!
Cheers,
John
Father, when we have given all and our every breath aches within our hearts, You are there. When we fear the thought of tomorrow and do not know what it may bring, You are there.
When our tears choke our whispers and the heart break is Real pain,
Lord I know that in this silence, you are there.
Please hold Patti today, allow her to sense your peace though her circumstances seem to hold no reason to rejoice. She is frail and weary, pick her up from the ground stained with tears and Whisper louder in her ears, I am here, my precious one, I am here.
I love you Patti, I will call out your name before the Throne of God and keep praying for you, Geli, your little one, Jon and the family.
Aunty Jo
None of us who know you, or have known you, can offer you answers, reasons, explanations of why you’re going through these trials. All I know is that some people go through tough times in life and they turn away from God, from other people, or turn into themselves and become hardened and bitter people. You are not one of those people. You continue to reach out in giving voice to your feelings of confusion and despair, and in so doing you give those praying for you specific needs to cover in our petitions. And we do what we can – we are standing with you in Christian solidarity, and pray that you will feel God’s love, comfort and peace in the days and weeks to come.
I pray that you will feel safe and lifted up in the hollow of God’s gentle hand; that He will comfort you and give you the strength you need to carry on; that each step you need to take to just put one foot in front of the other will be guided and motivated by our loving Father. Peace be with you – the peace that passes understanding.
xo
-Tracy
How the Father grieves at your pain and suffering. He does not like to see his loved ones suffer. How can we understand? It is beyond me, but He says even if our faith is as small as a mustard seed He will do great things.
Why does God let bad things happen to good people. It is the title of a book a lady sent me when Mum and Dad died, I still don’t understand but I was taught that “All things work together for good etc” and you already know all of that and believe it.
I hate being so far away at this time but there is nothing I can do there that I can’t do here except wrap you in a huge HUG. Believe me I am praying for all of you, and weeping with you at times too!!
I know that so many of you are hurting and I LOVE YOU ALL XXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOO
love your brutal honesty, have no real words of wisdom or insight, all I can say is I am so sorry for your pain I so wish I could take it away or lift the load. I don’t understand why either, struggle with the same thing and think that is where the blind faith comes in….when situations seem impossible and we still believe and find it in us to trust even if it’s just a drop in the bucket of what we think it should be …or even when the mustard seed seems like a stretch! and yet He does carry us through.I agree that this sucks, I really can’t imagine what this is like, it’s all our worse fears, especially those of us that have suffered a loss in one way or the other…makes losing a little more of a reality for us. Love you, praying for you all….would come visit again but to be honest I am so afraid of bringing something I am not even aware of to Geli…don’t want to aid in her becoming more sick….the girls are asking, we all miss you guys so much. thinking of you every day!
the staff decided to donate their tips to your family…we don’t usually get much but people are being generous (we made a note saying the tips are going to your family) and I will have to arrange to drop it off to you soon…love you so much
Patti, this is where your family and friends can stand for you, you dont have to be superwoman, just being you is more then enough… just know this is where we all surround you, love you and pray for you and with you.
Patti, you’re on my heart and mind daily. I have my Bible study praying for Geli and you and your whole family. Praying that there is a light soon at the end of this tunnel. Sending you lots of love.
Patti,
You are my Sister and when you hurt I truely feel it. My heart is sore for you. I love you.
Just some verses that God has placed on my heart:
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you My peace not as the world could offer you but something better. Let the troubles and fears and unsettled feelings go because I am in Your heart to Stay!
Judges 6:23 Peace be to you, do not fear, you shall not die. This is the Lord’s Peace to you.
I really felt this one for Geli.
I love you all so much.
Chelle
Hey Patti
I love you and you are an amazing mother and wife and cousin. It is hard to know why and understand why this is happening and how could this be happening. Your honesty God loves and My heart is with you it makes me cry cause I don’t know how it feels to be in your shoes. I pray that you are able to know that your honesty is what God wants. Which I am sure you know! I love you Patti, Jon, Angelica, Alexandra, Jeremy,Josiah,and Judah. You are continually in my prays and God love you guys more than I could.
Heidi
love you.
When Moses stood at the edge of the promised land, he was tired, so tired he couldn’t lift his arms to pray and bless the people and the end of the journey. All the people that have been praying with and for you and Gelli and the rest of your family are now there to hold up your arms as you cry out to God. I really feel in my heart as I write this that you are to be at peace in the Lord and let us be your support. David said in Psamls that he cried unto the lord and the Lord heard his voice and attended unto his prayer. God can ONLY be faithful, He is a God of Promise and truth.
We all know you have faith, God knows that you have faith, in your heart of hearts you have faith.
I truly cannot imagine what you are going thru, the fear, the uncertainty, the why’s. and I know I wrote this before, but…Our God did NOT give us a spirit of fear, BUT OF LOVE, OF POWER AND A SOUND MIND. (II Timothy)
you are in the midst of a terrible trial and the only thing constant is God. I’ll not tell you to be strong, because you are, you’re not weak, unfaithful, doubting, or losing it. you are a child of the King of Kings and God has his hand on you and yours.
your whole situation has brought up a faith in me, that of a hurricane, a rushing, violent, fighting,forward moving force that cannot be stopped. and with this faith of others, we will see it through and the glory will be God’s alone. A testament to his greatness.
Take a breath, and know that you are not beating your head against a brick wall. We will sing and rejoice like Joshua, until it crumbles to the ground.
Love you Patti, still praying and lifting all of you to the ears of the Lord.
Jennifer
“I will lie down in peace, and sleep with come to me, for you alone lord make me dwell in safety”
This verse doesn’t seem applicable, and I know you probably don’t even have time for a lot of sleep – but I memorized it a few weeks ago and whenever I’m lying awake in the dark of night, of life, I repeat it over and over and over. Sometimes the magnitude of my situation overwhelms me, and repeating this helps to silence the fear that chokes me. I don’t necessiarily have the truths or answers to fill in the space the worry was taking up at the time, so I just repeat this verse.
You’re feeling what you’re supposed to be feeling, try not to bash yourself for it. This is real, and with that comes real emotions. You shouldn’t be doing anything differently, just know as someone SO beautifully wrote above, we’re holding up your family’s arms in this.
Love you fellow mama. Remember, the fierceness with which you are fighting for your daughter, He’s fighting a million x for His.
sleep *will* (not with) come to me
*big hug*