A Big Mess……

Here is what I’m counting as my 33 week picture.  Yes, I’m a few days early, but seeing as I’ve been late with the weekly pics almost every week, I’ve decided to even things out, and go early for once.  Saturday is when I’ll officially be 33 weeks – what’s a day or two, eh?

It’s funny, ’cause pictures don’t lie, and honestly……Jon took about 20 shots of me, and I’m not particularly happy with any of them.  This is the best of the worst, but if you look……my eyes dont’ lie, and I’m struggling.

If I’m lucky, none of you will look at the picture and know what I’m talking about – you’ll just be blinded by  my dazzling beauty, and the fact that I currently weigh less at almost 33 weeks pregnant than I did starting out the last 2 pregnancies…..amazing isn’t it? 

You like my evasion tactics????  I thought they were pretty smooth.

Well, today is Sports Day #1 – Yah, you read that right.  I have 2 Sports Days to deal with this year.  The school splits up the school into groups of odd numbered divisions and even numbered divisions.  The girls are both even numbered, and Jeremy is in the odd numbered divisions, and so that means that I have to go to Sports Day all day today, and all day tomorrow.

I’m just feeling so………….tapped out……I feel like I have too much to do, and not enough time to do it all in, and not enough energy to do it all.  The situation with Chris really through me for a loop yesterday.  I feel like we should be with him, especially after seeing how upset and fragile he was yesterday, and yet I can’t physically be in there all the time.  It’s so hard!  That whole thing came on top of me stressing about the baby being breech, and really not wanting to have a c-section…..I know that there is nothing wrong with them, and people have them all the time….I just don’t want to have one, especially not for my last pregnancy.  I know there is still time for the little one to flip, and I know that we haven’t run out of options yet.    The “breech” thing comes on top of a very long as stressful pregnancy, and even now I feel scared that something might go wrong….it’s not a feeling like something will, but just a fear that it’s still a possibility.  It’s that whole, “I’m holidng my breath and have been for WAY. TOO. LONG!”

I’m just not coping with evrything very well right now!  I also hate the fact that me writing this down is going to send bunch of people freaking out and trying to take stuff away from me, and while I probably could just let it all go…..I don’t have to…..that’s not what this is about.  I’m just sharing how I’m feeling.  It’s better to let it out, than to keep it in, and explode later. 

Part of what makes this all very difficult to me, is that I’m usually very good at coping with WAY too much stuff, and it’s a bother that I’m not coping as well as I could or should or whatever.

On top of all of this, once again there’s been a breakdown in communication/relationship with some people close to me and I feel like I’m getting blamed for it all.  I hate that.  It’s one of those things that just make me want to crawl into a nice little hole and never come out.  I won’t do this, I’ve come to far emotionally to ever want to go back to that place where it’s just not worth it to try to have relationship, but when situations like this come up – it does seem to re-inforce the fact that people are not safe and just can’t be trusted to care for me, just the way that I am.  I hate having to feel like I have to be fake or pretend that I’m somthing I’m not.  If I can do something….I will tell you!  If I can’t do something……I’ll let you  know.  I’ll give you the grace to not live up to my standards, and I won’t expect you to do something just to make me feel better.  I’d really appreciate if others would grant me the same mercy and compassion, and not think that certain situations were all my fault……’cause they’re not.

Like the title of the post says……I feel like my life is a big huge mess right now……It wil get better…..I know it will.  I’m just struggling today.  Maybe I’ll feel better after a big cry….and then again, mayeb I won’t.  Maybe I won’t feel better until I’m holding my little one, and ignoring the world around me in that amazing, yet super-tired babymoon period.

In positive news……I did start and finish painting the baby’s room, and we even have the crib set up.  The crib bedding is available for pick up from UPS afte 1:30pm TODAY, and the other pieces of furniture are to be ready to pick up on the 26th – hopefully!

Only 7 more weeks…..although this week isn’t even over and it’s been draggin on for way tooooooo long.  I don’t know how I’ll make it to the end…obviously I will, and it will just be one day at a time, but from where I’m standing…….It’s looking like a LONG 7 weeks!

Thanks for listening/reading/whatever……..

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys. View all posts by Patricia Culley