The Best of Times and The Worst of Times

I know that I’m blessed.

I know that I’m in a position that some other women would give anything to be in.

I was one of those who would have given anything to be pregnant.

But, I hold firmly to the belief that I’m allowed to be shocked by something that was not organized by us and that we had not planned on.

I believe its possible to be both in shock that you’re pregnant with your 5 child and that this was something you’d not planned on, and at the same time terrified that you might lose another child.

It’s horrid to know that you are “strong enough” to handle loss and specifically another loss, but to desperately with everything in you hope that you don’t lose this one.

The fact that within seconds of seeing the positive pregnancy test, that I was filled with terror that I might lose this baby was a huge indicator to me that I needn’t worry that I wouldn’t love or that I might resent this baby.

I don’t think it’s possible to want something so badly and to be resentful of it at the same time…..at least it’s not possible for me.

I really didn’t want to have to deal with the fear and out of control feelings ever again.

I know that I can, but I don’t want to have to.

I’ve had moments when I was certain that this pregnancy was over and I was just waiting for confirmation of that, and on the opposite side of that – I’ve had great and amazing moments of certainty and hope and joy.

I’m barfing every morning and dry heaving a ton throughout the day and this is with being on Liquid Vitamin B complex and a ton of other vitamins and potions to help me…….apparently I just barf my way through pregnancy…..welcome to my life.

With Angelica, I barfed for 6 months straight had a slight reprieve in month 7 and then barfed my way through the last 2 months.

With Alexandra, I barfed for 5 months, had months 6 & 7 off and then continued on barfing in months 8 & 9

With Jeremy, it was the same as with Xandra.

With Nathaniel, I barfed until I lost him and then continued to barf while the hormones abated after I lost him…that was rough.

I barfed my way through the 3 years of losses – again with the not fun….it’s harder when you don’t get anything to show for it at the end of it all..

With Josiah, I barfed for 4 months, then had months 5-8 off and barfed again in the last month. (best pregnancy EVER)

And….we’ll just have to see how this one goes – won’t we?

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys. View all posts by Patricia Culley