Month: June 2008

Second Chances

Siah’s sleeping and I’ve showered and I think I have a few moments to blather on and on and on.

I love the feeling of being connected through my laptop, and at the same time I hate it.

I’m trying to find balance in my life and sometimes it seems so difficult. I’m at home – by choice – and as much as I can handle being “alone” for longer periods than some others can; I still need contact, and sometimes it comes in the form of this website and sometimes it comes in the form of on-line friendships that I started 4 years ago and sometimes it comes from “in person” friendships and sometimes it comes through family. There are different ways to connect and different levels to connect on, and again, I try to find balance.

Balance, balance, balance, schmalance!

I’ve been just “playing” with Siah. Building block towers for the sole purpose of him being able to knock them over. I barely get one made and it’s demolished. I have made literally hundreds of these towers over the past little while; and while I build, I have time to think.

I didn’t do as much “playing” with the other three kids. I was younger and more naive and maybe a bit lazy and definately tired and I was just trying to survive. Once Xandra came along and I was forced to stay at home more and “do” less things, I often regretted not just enjoying the one on one time that I had with Geli. I took it for granted and I would never get that time back.

I’ve been given a second chance (of sorts). The 3 older kids are all in school and I have a full day at home to just enjoy and appreciate the time that I have with my baby. I could clean the house. I could craft. I could go shopping. I could go out with friends. I could blog. I could just waste time on the Internet. I could do so many things, and I do……BUT, I am enjoying my baby. I am just sitting with him and reading him books. I am rocking him in his room and nursing him without multi-tasking. I nap when he goes down for a nap – from time to time.

I’m trying to really enjoy this second chance. This chance to just enjoy and live without letting life pass me by so fast.

It also makes me think about the whole rest of my life and trying to enjoy and grab every last bit out of everything that I do. Really think about what things are important…..really think about what things are going to stick with me in the long run and which things just really don’t matter, short term and long term….I want to be there for my kids – right now. This is a one time deal….I don’t get this time back again. I’m trying to make the most of what’s in front of me right now.

Balance…it all comes back to balance.

I’m so grateful for second chances.

and just because… here’s a video of Siah laughing hysterically.

Enough with the Pizza’s and the Cheesecake….

Alrighty, so I have exactly 2.348 seconds before my little (large would be more accurate) Hoover starts complaining that I’m on the computer and wants to knock over the 1,079, 342, 457th block tower this morning.

I’m not sure exactly what’s up, but ‘Siah was up from 2-3:15am last night or this morning or however you want to call that…..like happy and in that half drugged/asleep state, but talking and singing and most definately AWAKE.

He finally went back to sleep, but it took me a little bit to settle back down, and I was DREADING this morning with everything in me.

It went pretty well though, and everyone was off to school on time and didn’t forget anything and there were no tears and no melt-downs, and as far as I’m concerned…that’s a very positive morning.

Yesterday, ‘Siah was up freaky early (like 615am….that’s freaky early in my estimation) and then went down for a 2.5 hour nap that started at 9am just after the kids eft for school and if you can do the math – ended at 11:30am, AND…….I had crawled back into bed and managed to (minus a few phone call interruptions) sleep the whole time as well. So, lets just say that yesterday was a good day, and after last night, I was really hoping for a re-run, but NOPE!

Little stinker fell asleep, but didn’t want to let me go, and then woke up at 10am. Stupid Expectations…they get me every time.

I had mom and dad and Chris out for dinner last night, and they stayed until the kids were in bed, so that was SO HELPFUL.

Everyone at J’s school is raving about how wonderful he is doing, and cynical me is wondering if he’s really doing that well, or if they are all just saying it so that we keep him on the Ritalin. Not that we are planning on taking him off it right now…we are still in the trying it out stage and have no intentions of mucking around with stuff until we give it all a good shot, BUT…..

….it’s still as messy and frustrating in my head, and as much as I could just ramble on and on about everything that’s flying hrough my head – I’m not going to subject you to that….I’ll keep it until I have some clearer, more consise things to say.

Regardless, J’s doing okay, but night times are rough and he seems to be more hyper when the meds wear off…..Is this normal? or is it just our perception? I dunno.

Siah is cruising the furniture and even the walls like a monkey and is clapping and waving hi and bye and he is just happy and darling and everything that we’ve been waiting for and hoping for the past long years.

Xani is her happy bubbly self….and we adore her. She is being so helpful and seems to really be “getting” responsibility and pitching in and we are so proud of her.

Angelica is getting so big, and honestly is struggling a bit. She is so upset that we ask her to help out or pitch in with housework…she doens’t like that she has to prove that she’s responsible. She just wants us to blindly trust her, and the problem with that is that she’ making some stupid, stupid choices, and tends to react when confronted with a situation or issue. It must be so hard. I don’t know what’s going on or why she’s acting like this, but we are talking and so that’s good. I wonder what of it is hormones, and what is preeteen stuff and what is….I dunno. She’s a great kid and we love her, but she’s making some hard choices and learning (in our minds) the hard way….but she and we’ll figure it all out and it’ll end up good.

Jon’s been away for the past 2 nights, and is coming home “sometime” today. That’ll be nice. I’ve missed him.

Well, I gotta go and dig ‘Siah outta the plants….he’s discovered dirt…..:rollseyes:….and that’s just so much fun!