Did you ever want to just unload EXACTLY how you’re feeling, but you can’t do that ’cause you’d hurt other people. People that you loved and cared for…..and so you keep it all inside, and then it builds up, and you feel like you’re going to explode or implode or whatever…..
I’m having another down day. I hate this. I hate these days. I hate it when the things that I’m feeling come crashing down in on top of me, and I dont’ know what to do with them. I just want to ignore them, and I wish they would all just “poof” go away.
I’m worried about Chris. I’m worried about my family. I’m worried about this baby, although that particular worry is way down on the list of things to worry about. I know it’s just a matter of time – but I hate the “time” factor.
I feel like I’m being crushed under a HUGE weight of stuff that is WAY TOO HEAVY for me to be carrying especially when I’ve got my own stuff to “Carry” right now.
Maybe I just need to go and have a good cry, and then once some of the pressure is relived – I’ll feel better. I’d love to believe that, but crying, isn’t going to change anything right now. Everything that I’m thinking about is still going to be there, unchaged when I’m done, and then I’ll have puffy eyes, a raw nose, and a wicked headache to boot…..and seriosuly, who wants to deal with all of that.
I have my lists of stuff to do, and don’t even feel like doing any of that. I dont’ know what to do with myself. I did get the baby’s bag for the hospital packed yesterday. Yah Me, but there is still so much more to do…..not tons of stuff, but just some stuff. I feel like for everything I cross of the list, that I add 2 or 3 more things, and my list only grows longer, and not shorter.
I’m not sleeping well, and so I’m sure the “tired” thing is not helping.
I know that I can’t fix any of the things that I’m worrying about, and I’m not trying to. I know that I can’t change the situations, and I’m not trying to. I just hurt so bad when I feel other people hurting, and I hate that I can’t take all the hurt and make it go away.
I realize that everyone has their own paths to walk down, and that everyone has a choice as to how they travel their particular path, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt for them, and all they are going through. I wish I could control the situations, and just say, “Do it this way…..it would hurt so much less in the long run.” But I can’t, and I know that.
 I still hurt……for everything that’s going on right now.
Maybe “down” days are no good for me…..I slow down too much and end up thinking and feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I just need to keep going full force, until I have a complete mental and physical breakdown…that sounds about right doesn’t it? Ha Ha! Just kidding!