Feeling Ordinary

I had titled this post “Just Being Normal” and I changed it. I don’t feel normal. None of this feels normal and to be completely honest, I’ve never ever really felt “normal” in my whole life. Growing up, my family was fun, exciting, LARGE, unique, weird……anything BUT normal. I don’t even really like the word, and as you’ll see further on down this post….we’re still not “normal”.

My sister’s invited me to go and spend Tuesday with them, shopping. They were thinking about going to the stores out in White Rock, specifically the Children’s Place and H&M. I really needed to pick up some pants for Jeremy and Josiah. Those two have out grown and worn out every pant that they own. And yet, I really wasn’t sure if I had the energy to go.

I feel very similar to how I felt after Nathaniel died and then when we kept losing the babies. I felt like I’d been blasted with a shock wave and it affected me mentally – I couldn’t think properly; it affected me physically – I was so tired and even thinking about doing anything beside just getting through the day, exhausted me; and it affected me emotionally – I had very little emotional energy to spare on anyone or anything and on good days, even just breathing was hard. Then we’d go through the mental, physical and emotional roller coaster of getting pregnant only to be pounded again with another shock blast when the babies died. Each time we were “struck”, I felt weaker and weaker and less able to handle myself and to deal with my children and those around me.

Somehow I managed to scrape the energy and courage to try again and again, (The desire to have a baby was greater than the fear of getting hurt again.) but I was only surviving at that point. When we got pregnant with Siah, I felt so tense and on edge for the entire 9 months because I was just waiting for the next shock wave to come and rip through me. It took about 4 months after he was born for me to feel like I could breathe again, and even then, I was still nervous and on edge hoping that there wouldn’t be another shock wave.

Gradually, as time went by, I felt stronger and stronger. I could physically handle doing more things. Mentally I had more energy available and was able to process life at a faster, more “normal” rate. Emotionally, I felt stronger too. I didn’t feel 100% but I definitely felt WAY better than before where I was only barely existing from one moment to the next, and only barely doing the absolute minimum required to get us through the days…..mind you just about anything was an improvement from that.

Right now……I feel so much like I did back then and I hate it. I do believe that based on previous experience, that I will not feel like this forever, but this….the way I feel right now is brutal. I do feel like I’ve been blasted with a huge HUGE shock wave. I hate feeling like I have NOTHING in reserve – mentally, physically or emotionally. I feel like I start my day with 3 tokens worth of mental, physical and emotional energy and by 10:30am those tokens are gone. Between things like disinfecting the bathrooms or the railings, handles or light switches, or dealing with squabbling children or emotional children or watching my baby barfing up her entire breakfast that we just spent 2.5 hours coaxing and nagging her into eating because we are worried about the 15lbs that shes lost in the last 2-3 weeks, or trying to put together a plan for dinner let alone attempt to come up with a weeks worth of meals and then to be able to come up with a shopping list AND then to go shopping. That’s not even mentioning trying to “connect” with my husband or my kids, individually. I am either running on a deficit or things just don’t get done.

So when my sister’s asked me to go out shopping with them….all I could think about was that I had no energy to even pack to go for a day of shopping, let alone trying to “shop”, and be able to nurse the baby and walk all over the place…..it just seemed like a HUGE amount of effort and I wasn’t really sure if the effort required would be worth what I might get out of it….

I’d get to spend some time with my sisters and their babies. I’d get to hopefully score some pants for the boys and possibly on sale. I’d get to be away from my house and the cleaning and the children. I’d get to get away from the “cancer” for a moment. I’d get to step away from everything and just be a person with a baby, shopping for sales with her sisters. I’d get to be “normal”…..sort of.

It’s hard to walk away from something that is a part of you and weighs you down like you are wearing a lead jacket.

To be completely honest, the biggest draw for me was being able to get away from the house, the cleaning, the cooking and the children for a few hours….that might sound horrible, but aside from going to 4 exercise classes, I’ve not been away from “all of this” since June 16th…and I felt like I needed the break even at the expense of the physical, mental and emotional energy that I’d spend.

It was a great time with my sisters. I managed to pick up some clothes for the boys and I got a bit of a break from everything.

It was a bit of a crazy day.

This was how it started…..

Yah, that’s my son in the middle screaming. He kept that up most of the way from Langley to Coquitlam and then to White Rock. There are funny story about that but for another time….

You’d never guess from this picture, but Zach spent a good part of the trip screaming his head off.

This was a brief moment of peace and quiet.

This little darling was the best behaved out of the three boys, but then, Jack’s also the oldest of the three boys, so what would you expect…

There were moments on the van ride that Judah was quiet…..Here is one of those moments…it only lasted about as long as it took to take this picture. He doesn’t like his car seat and really, he just LOVES to be held.

We hit the stores and while we got no pictures of us shopping for clothes for the kids, we did manage to snag a few pictures of us at the Indigo Bookstore.

I tried to get a picture of myself, and the bathroom mirror seemed as good a place as any. I put Judah in my Moby Wrap because it keeps him snuggled and close but give me some hands free.

As we were leaving the store there was a huge mirror and we were trying to get a picture of the 6 of us….

Someone offered to take a picture for us….

We continued on outside and we wanted to get a few more shots in case those ones didn’t turn out..

This is what happens when you try to take a group shot….by yourselves!

Hmmmm! Head cut off and crazy eyes….nice!

Aaaaaaargh! If only Jack were looking….

Zach figured it might help if he held his mommy’s face in the direction of the camera….

Apparently I needed a little help from Zach, too!

The boys were mesmerized by the toy that we were shaking to try and capture their attention.

At this point, Judah woke up and started screaming……..this is the last photo we took.

All in all, it was a good day. I imagined that the three of us sisters with shaved heads must have looked odd and we did have someone come up to us and ask if we were Buddhists. I thought that was pretty funny. My hope is that maybe if I stretch myself that I’ll be able to get my energy back sooner as opposed to later.

Regardless, I got a break and got some shopping out of the way. At least that’s a step in the right direction….