seasons change……….

It’s been a while since I last posted.

We’ve been trucking along and then……. I don’t know what happened. This last week was horrible and by Saturday I fell apart.

We slept in until 8:30am (That’s a sleep in ’round these parts) and then I got up and went to my exercise class where I managed to finished the first third of the class and then I started crying. And crying and crying and crying. So much so that the girl in front of me stopped her practice and gave me a box of Kleenex. I managed to sort of pull myself together (or not) and hung out through the rest of the class and then went home. And then spent the rest of the day crying and crying and crying and crying.

It’s all just too much.

I don’t know how else to put it. There is too much. Too much for one person to handle. Too Much Stress. Too much pressure. It’s just too much.

Xani got sick about 2 weeks ago with some killer nasty cold. She made it through the first week hacking and coughing and sneezing and then the two littlest boys picked it up. Saturday night Josiah woke up unable to breathe. That’s scarey, eh? His panicking didn’t help the situation, either. But, what would you expect if you woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t breathe? He had a fever from Saturday until Wednesday when it finally broke. I figured that we were just dealing with some nasty virus. The Baby started in on the coughing on Sunday and rocked out a fever then too. By Thursday night when his fever was still in the 39-40 degree range, I was starting to get worried. He was so cranky. So whiny. So tired. So upset. Not eating, not drinking and starting to not wet his diapers. I took him to the clinic where the dr diagnosed him with a lower left lung infection and put him on antibiotics.

There was a massive issue at the pharmacy because they didn’t have the antibiotics that the dr had ordered and there was a HUGE run around trying to get a new prescription. It was unreal. The pharmacist dude was unreal and we know them by name – We spend a lot of money at this pharmacy. I’m not sure what the problem was today…maybe he had a fight with his girlfriend before he came to work or something….it was awful……we finally got it sorted out and started Judah on the antibiotics late on Thursday night. He was still feverish on Friday morning, but by late afternoon the fever was starting to come down.

Friday morning I got a call from Geli’s nurse, saying that her counts were really low and that we had to stop chemo and that they’d like her to be taken into our Dr or a clinic or something just to get her chest listened to. She started feeling crappy on Monday and didn’t go to school the whole week either. She had a low grade fever for most of the week. Just before we were taking her to the clinic, we took her temp and she was at a 38.1 – when she is neutropenic (has really low infection fighting counts) we have to take her into the hospital anytime she scores a temperature of 38 degrees or higher. If she has normal counts then we have to take her in, if she has a fever over 38.5. We chocked it up to the smoking hot bath that I had just pulled her out of and carried on down to the clinic. Her lungs sounded clear, but the clinic dr clocked her temperature in at 38.7…….so Jon called the hospital to let them know they were coming in and they came home to pack up.

We were not sure what to expect. Worse case – she’d be admitted for 3 days. Best case, they’d come home that evening but needing to go back for a 24 dose of antibiotics.

They did get to come home. It was viral, but it rocked us. We have been been so battered and beaten over this past year and half that we have no reserves to stay strong about this. I felt like I was in shock that night. Jeremy was crying off and on because they had to go. The babies were sick. Jon and Geli were gone for who knows how long. I just emotionally and mentally shut down. My mom came over and she helped with the boys and took Xani to youth and picked her up while I tried to clean the house so that we could “carry on” on Saturday. But inside I just felt dead about it all. I have to do this. I can’t just not. I have no time to just be. I have no opportunity to get away from this all. For the past 19 months, we have fought and fought and fought and fought and I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.

A friend stopped by to drop off a few groceries that I needed and we were talking for a moment and I shared with her how I feel like I’m in a bad dream or a horror movie. There is just one bad thing after another after another and I can’t see the end to it all. I know this sounds bad. I know this sounds down. I know this doesn’t sound encouraging and that’s how I feel.

I’m so tired. I’m so worn out. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how I will be able to make it through the next 9 months.

I feel like I’m barely existing. It’s a horrible place to be. There are so many things that are hard right now. I am trying to hold onto faith and hope and yet……..honestly……it’s really tough.

And that’s how I came to yesterday…..I spent most of the day crying. I crawled into bed at 6pm finally fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 2am, at 3am, at 4am, at 5am, at 6am and then slept until 8:30am…..sleep evades me this past year and a half…..even if the baby sleeps, I wake. There is so much going on. So many things that have gone wrong. So many things that I’m trying to organize and manage and sty on top of……so many other things that I can’t do anything about……

This is a very tough season…..I can’t wait for this season to pass…….it must!

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

2 thoughts on “seasons change……….”

  1. I would like to say I understand, but I don’t think we really do unless going through similar experiences. But know I am standing with you and love you! Here is a huge hug!!!!!!

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