So, it’s Mother’s Day, eh?
It’s such a tough day for so many; for some it’s just another day, and for others, it is truly a day to celebrate.
I fall into all three of those categories – How about you?
This morning got off to a bit of a rough start. Jon was tired and a bit of a bag as he ever-so-slowly woke up, and was not happy to be awake. This is something I struggle with…my issue, not his….he doesn’t think through and process his emotions very well when he’s tired…there is no sense of social niceties, and often times it really rubs me the wrong way, because I do try to watch what I say and how I say it even when I’m tired, and so……well…lets just leave this one at that….He grouched at me this morning.
Then, in my efforts to try and find something that didn’t make me feel frumpy and fat – stupid Joe clothes – I tried on a vintage dress that I thought was fairly cute, and Jon told me that I looked fat and that it was ugly….now to be fair to him, he didn’t say those words exactly, but that was the gist of what he was politely saying…see he was more awake at this point.
So, I tried on all the rest of the clothes in my closet and drawers and settled on a nasty “blah” outfit.
Then we were on our way for the day…..the rest of the morning was okay, I guess. See, we’ve not done a ton in the past few years just because we’ve not had the extra finances to splurge for things like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or Birthdays or Anniversary’s…the special days. We might have a meal after the kids go to bed or something like that, but we’ve not made a big deal out of the “special” days. So, this year really wasn’t any different from the past few except that we went and took Jon’s mom out for lunch…tis also meant that we were taking me out for lunch as well…YAH!
Now, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the babies I lost. 4 of them….it started with Nathaniel (Jan 05) and then Jesse (July 05) – who Jeremy lovingly named TANK, which always cracks me up because I imagine one tough little rugged, solid, chubby girl whenever I think of that – the there was Julia (March 06) – she was my tiniest little girl, we actually got to see her, and that helped and hurt all at the same time….I was coping so well with the loss (not really, I was just shutting down and ignoring everything) until circumstances actually allowed us to see her – they are so tiny at 12 weeks along, but look just perfect. The last baby, I named Joshua (Aug 06).
In December of 2006 we found out that we were expecting again, and while so excited – I really wasn’t certain if I’d be able to actually hold and cuddle a live baby. This Mother’s Day is the first one since Jan 2005 that I haven’t absolutely dreaded the day. It felt so disrespectful to my living children to be so sad on Mother’s Day, and yet it felt so disrespectful to be happy on Mother’s Day, and really, I had no idea if I would ever get another chance to be a mother to a brand new baby. Those were a very tough couple of years.
It’s still difficult.
But today, I also though of my Dad. His mom died of cancer in July 2001. He and my mom went and celebrated Mother’s Day with her mom……that must be hard. It’s nice to remember all the good times, but still hard when your mom is not around anymore and there is a whole day dedicated to Mom’s and your’s is no longer around.
I also thought of those people who don’t know who their real mother’s are or who have a strained relationship with their mother or who (hopefully) have mother figures in their lives……
I do hope that all of you had a Mother’s Day full of memories…and whether they are good or bad….you’re here and that means that someone brought you into this world and hopefully you are thankful to be here.
I know that I’m thankful. I love you, Momma!
I’m thankful for my Mom’s. I’m thankful for my children. I’m thankful for those ladies who have poured love and wisdom into me. I’m thankful for my Grandmothers.
Today I remember and I’m thankful.
Patti,
I understand not having a mom. My mom, your great-grandmother, was the only mother I had. Then there was your grandmother Esther. I really had 3 mothers growing up Mom Grau, Ruth and Esther. Then there is the real mother that 15 months after my birth died of Tuberculosis. Mom had a picture taken of me and apparently my mother saw it before she died. My father only made it to 6 months past my birth when he succumbed to TB. We all should be so thankful to the health system we have and the advances made so that you, Jon and your kids can have health and people like myself can get help for bronchitis (which I am sure is a result of my inherited health from my parents). Everyday is a new adventure in life, God, health and what we can learn. I am so thankful for all of those things and family as well. Aunty Hope
I’m thankful for your new page layout.
It’s so much nicer than your last one.
You know I’m totally kidding.
I love you.
I want to see a pic of you in your retro dress.
Debbie you are TOO funny! I like the new layout too! and I totally get you about having mixed emotions about mothers day. I think of my little ones in heaven and know they know me and are happy and that helps but I don’t think you ever get over the ache in your heart for not being able to love them physically too. Maybe that is why I still don’t get all excited for Mothers Day… hmm something to ponder about I have felt it is a hallmark holiday for so long I don’t remember what it was like before the losses!
great post!