So, today is my birthday.
I’m 35 years old today. Half way to 70 and really….it doesn’t mean a thing to me. I’m not upset about being old or feeling old or feeling young or anything. Age is pretty much a non-factor to me.
Bitter….
This morning, Xandra and Becca and Brianna brought me coffee in bed. They made six cups of coffee and used 6 scoops of grounds. Needless to say, the coffee was wicked bitter but had some serious kick to it. I was brutally tired, but am quite awake right now.
Breakfast….
Shortly after the coffee arrived, breakfast was brought up. A huge bowl of fruit all sliced up and ready to go. Then they brought a menu up with options for a nice breakfast downstairs…….so so sweet.
Boys……
Just before we headed down stairs for the girls breakfast, I had all of my boys in bed with me. Jon, Jeremy, Josiah and Judah….One day if my girls leave home, I may end up in a house full of men/boys…..I love my boys.
Bananas….
I came downstairs. Sat down at the fancy breakfast table and the girls brought me a banana with 4 candles in it. It was cute and weird and wonderful.
Barfing…
And then Geli woke up and started barfing……
Bawling….
And then she started crying because she is in pain and barfing and doesn’t want to deal with all of this.
Brutal…..
and I’m right there with her…..
This is not how I expected to celebrate (I use the word very, VERY loosely) my birthday. I’m crying too. If I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to have her feel amazing.
And yet, it doesn’t seem to be happening. We don’t know why she’s barfing. Well, we know it has to do with the chemo and other meds that she’s on, but we can’t figure out why the meds she’s on are not helping to keep it under control. I hate seeing her like this. I hate not being able to “fix” it for her. I hate having to push her to eat and trying to distract her from barfing. I hate that we are going through this. I hate that I’m crying. I hate……….. I hate cancer.
Today feels overwhelming…….because it is. And we have no choice…..we can’t just jump off this train, not even for just a moment. We have to carry on. And it’s hard……
And that’s all I’ve got.