{"id":9179,"date":"2023-05-10T12:06:07","date_gmt":"2023-05-10T19:06:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/?p=9179"},"modified":"2023-05-10T14:16:58","modified_gmt":"2023-05-10T21:16:58","slug":"oh-disappointment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/oh-disappointment\/","title":{"rendered":"Oh Disappointment."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I had an experience today where I felt misunderstood and I received<\/em> (To be clear, it was never said that I was a disappointment<\/em>. I would hazard a guess that I heard it through my own hurts and trauma<\/em>) the message that I was a disappointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh my! Did that ever trigger me. I can feel myself spiralling downward and I don\u2019t know how to stop it. Okay, let\u2019s process this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can remember as a child, feeling like I\u2019d disappointed people and it feeling devastating because I was trying my hardest to be good, to do good. The message I received was that \u201cmy good\u201d wasn\u2019t enough. That\u2019s got to be so hard for a little one who is looking for worth and validation from those who love them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How can that be? What would lead me to accept and believe that I\u2019m not good enough? Did I feel rejected? Did I feel a relational separation or distance when disappointment was expressed? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s definitely another huge issue for me. I\u2019m desperate to feel connected and accepted in relationship. Is that wrong? I don\u2019t think it is. Isn\u2019t that what we were created for? To be in relationship. If so, then a separation or distance would feel intolerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wonder if, when I was a child, disappointment and relational distance was used in an effort to affect behaviour? I don\u2019t believe it was done maliciously but I also don\u2019t see how that is not traumatic regardless of intention. I can think of several instances where both disappointment and relational separation were used, at home, school and church. At that point, that was my whole life. <\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

So how do I deal with this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well it sucks. It\u2019s brutal to receive a message that indicates that you\u2019re a disappointment and that the comfort and love that you crave and need in relational safety will be withheld if you displease someone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I think about the little parts of me. The small child that I was, my heart breaks for her. No child should feel like they are a disappointment. No child should receive the message that they aren\u2019t good enough and no child should be left to figure out relationship on their own.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

I can\u2019t fathom doing that to my kids. There are times when I\u2019ve been disappointed in their actions and I\u2019ve tried so desperately hard to pull them close and indicate that I love them even if I didn\u2019t particularly like a choice or action they made in the moment. I\u2019ve tried to make it abundantly clear that they aren\u2019t defined by any one action and that my love for them never changes. I communicate that I see the good in them and I speak it out over them. I want them to hear and know and believe that they are the incredible people that I see them as.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how do I do this for myself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, I guess a start could be reminding myself of all the good that I do see in me. I can speak out over myself that I am a good person. I am loving and kind, considerate, thoughtful, and encouraging. I want to do my best and to be my best. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, I guess it\u2019s possible that my best might not always be appreciated or accepted or even good enough for others. While I might wish that I was always appreciated and accepted and seen as good enough, the mature adult parts of me can recognize that\u2019s not really realistic or even really necessary. <\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

Oh but to the small parts of me it sure feels necessary, sometimes. Those wounded parts want to feel loved and safe and connected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I will tend to those parts of me. I will be gentle with myself and compassionate towards myself and show love to myself. I will act towards myself in ways that foster relationship and connection, especially with the small parts of me who struggle to believe. Because I am good enough and I am worthy of love and connection. Even when I struggle to believe and assimilate it, it\u2019s still true. I will look for those who are gentle and compassionate and loving towards me and I will notice and be so thankful for every interaction that affirms the truth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am a blessing. I am loved. I am cared for. I am safe. I am good. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I had an experience today where I felt misunderstood and I received (To be clear, it was never said that I was a disappointment. I would hazard a guess that I heard it through my own hurts and trauma) the message that I was a disappointment. Oh my! Did that ever trigger me. I can … Continue reading “Oh Disappointment.”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[57,33,5,16,63,218,73],"tags":[222,209,219,224,216,221,220,223,213,225,226,210],"class_list":["post-9179","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-anxiety","category-deep-thoughts","category-life","category-me","category-mental-health","category-personal-growth","category-writing","tag-awareness","tag-childhood-trauma","tag-disappointment","tag-ifs","tag-personal-growth","tag-relational-safety","tag-relationship","tag-small-parts-of-me","tag-therapy","tag-trauma","tag-trauma-therapy","tag-triggers"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9179","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9179"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9179\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9181,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9179\/revisions\/9181"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9179"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9179"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9179"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}