I know that I’m blessed.<\/p>\n
I know that I’m in a position that some other women would give anything to be in.<\/p>\n
I was one of those who would have given anything to be pregnant. <\/p>\n
But, I hold firmly to the belief that I’m allowed to be shocked by something that was not organized by us and that we had not planned on.<\/p>\n
I believe its possible to be both in shock that you’re pregnant with your 5 child and that this was something you’d not planned on, and at the same time terrified that you might lose another child.<\/p>\n
It’s horrid to know that you are “strong enough” to handle loss and specifically another loss, but to desperately with everything in you hope that you don’t lose this one.<\/p>\n
The fact that within seconds of seeing the positive pregnancy test, that I was filled with terror that I might lose this baby was a huge indicator to me that I needn’t worry that I wouldn’t love or that I might resent this baby.<\/p>\n
I don’t think it’s possible to want something so badly and to be resentful of it at the same time…..at least it’s not possible for me.<\/p>\n
I really didn’t want to have to deal with the fear and out of control feelings ever again.<\/p>\n
I know that I can, but I don’t want to have to.<\/p>\n
I’ve had moments when I was certain that this pregnancy was over and I was just waiting for confirmation of that, and on the opposite side of that – I’ve had great and amazing moments of certainty and hope and joy.<\/p>\n
I’m barfing every morning and dry heaving a ton throughout the day and this is with being on Liquid Vitamin B complex and a ton of other vitamins and potions to help me…….apparently I just barf my way through pregnancy…..welcome to my life.<\/p>\n
With Angelica, I barfed for 6 months straight had a slight reprieve in month 7 and then barfed my way through the last 2 months.<\/p>\n
With Alexandra, I barfed for 5 months, had months 6 & 7 off and then continued on barfing in months 8 & 9<\/p>\n
With Jeremy, it was the same as with Xandra.<\/p>\n
With Nathaniel, I barfed until I lost him and then continued to barf while the hormones abated after I lost him…that was rough.<\/p>\n
I barfed my way through the 3 years of losses – again with the not fun….it’s harder when you don’t get anything to show for it at the end of it all..<\/p>\n
With Josiah, I barfed for 4 months, then had months 5-8 off and barfed again in the last month. (best pregnancy EVER)<\/p>\n
And….we’ll just have to see how this one goes – won’t we?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I know that I’m blessed. I know that I’m in a position that some other women would give anything to be in. I was one of those who would have given anything to be pregnant. But, I hold firmly to the belief that I’m allowed to be shocked by something that was not organized by … Continue reading “The Best of Times and The Worst of Times”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-797","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pregnancy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/797","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=797"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/797\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":798,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/797\/revisions\/798"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=797"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=797"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=797"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}