{"id":2038,"date":"2011-07-31T11:01:08","date_gmt":"2011-07-31T18:01:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/?p=2038"},"modified":"2011-07-30T13:11:52","modified_gmt":"2011-07-30T20:11:52","slug":"a-moment-to-breathe","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/a-moment-to-breathe\/","title":{"rendered":"A Moment To Breathe…."},"content":{"rendered":"

Jon sent me to Starbucks to get away from the house and kids for an hour or so on Saturday morning and while I avoided writing anything for the first hour, I figured that I should at least try to work out some of the crap that is banging around inside of me\u2026\u2026..<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Me\"<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sitting in Starbucks feeling like I should at the very least attempt to put my thoughts down onto paper.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been so all over the place recently and it\u2019s frustrating me.<\/p>\n

I want to be able to talk about how I\u2019m feeling and why, but every time I think about what I want to say it all comes across whiney and needy and I hate that.<\/p>\n

The church that Jon works for is going through a tough patch and he\u2019s not gotten paid in the last month and while we\u2019ve managed to scrape up some funds from small tech jobs here and there\u2026\u2026it\u2019s only just been barely enough to cover the bills AND he\u2019s been crazy busy trying to juggle everything.<\/p>\n

I have been SO FRIED from this past year and I was really REALLY hoping that I\u2019d get the summer to be able to rest and recuperate and instead of having a slower paced life and more time with Jon\u2026.I\u2019ve had more heaped on me and less time with him\u2026..that part sounds like whining – I know\u2026..but I love Jon\u2026I love being with Jon\u2026.I love talking with him and working things out with him. We work so well together as a team\u2026and this past year has stressed and strained us so much! We are okay! We are dealing with \u201cALL THIS\u201d, but I miss him so badly and I desperately wish that we had some time with each other\u2026.but it\u2019s not really happening right now.<\/p>\n

And now\u2026.this whole post has gotten de-railed for me because I feel bad for whining about my problems and issues when there are people out there who would give anything to be in my shoes\u2026..<\/p>\n

I guess it shouldn\u2019t be de-railed because I still have a ton of other issues in my life, and I\u2019m not really sure who would want to trade for those\u2026<\/p>\n

I guess what I\u2019m saying is that no one\u2019s life is perfect and I\u2019d give grace to someone else who was complaining about their life and the tough things that they were going through and so why shouldn\u2019t I expect that others would treat me the same way?<\/p>\n

I guess this all goes back to m not wanting to bother people\u2026.I struggle with that so much. I don\u2019t want to talk about how tough my life is when I know that others are struggling with their lives and yet, why am I okay with them having issues and talking about it?<\/p>\n

I dunno. Any thoughts?<\/p>\n

Another thing that is weighing heavy on me is the whole Autism\/Aspergers thing with Jeremy. I\u2019m terrified of not getting a diagnosis and yet when going through this process – you must come face to face with all the negative aspects of this \u201csyndrome\u201d or \u201cdisorder\u201d and well\u2026..it\u2019s pretty negative.<\/p>\n

To have to list down on paper all the areas that your child struggles with, to have to admit that it\u2019s pretty bad……to see what is considered \u201cnormal\u201d or \u201cneuro-typical\u201d and to see that your child is not even anywhere close that that ideal\u2026\u2026. When, over the past 10 years, you\u2019ve come up with coping mechanisms and put measures into play to structure your lives so that you can pre-empt the negative aspects of this \u201cdisorder\u201d but then to realize that it\u2019s \u201cnot normal\u201d to have to live like that\u2026its tough!<\/p>\n

What\u2019s even harder is when your child is desperate to be around people and yet they don\u2019t realize that their actions make people uncomfortable\u2026\u2026..and aside from explaining to people (most of whom don\u2019t care or understand or care to understand<\/em>) that your son has\u2026\u2026..has what???? He\u2019s not been officially diagnosed and then I\u2019m right back at the whole, \u201cI\u2019m terrified that he\u2019s not going to get diagnosed and we\u2019re going to have to do all of \u201cTHIS\u201d by ourselves<\/em>\u201d and I know that at this exact moment I don\u2019t have all the answers that we need to help him be the most successful person that he could become\u2026\u2026.it just about destroys me!<\/p>\n

On top of that, I\u2019ve been noticing that Siah is displaying some of the symptoms of being on the Autistic Spectrum\u2026..it\u2019s difficult to get him to look you in the eye. He is very literal. He doesn\u2019t do a lot of pretend play. He has melt downs when things aren’t exactly<\/strong><\/em> as he expects them to be (I’m not just talking about typical 3 year old behaviour<\/em>)….He is less understanding of social situations than \u201cnormal\u201d kids\u2026..and although he doesn\u2019t seem to struggle as badly as Jeremy does\u2026.he\u2019s only 3! This means that he\u2019s not in a lot of the same social situations that we see Jeremy struggling in.<\/p>\n

We were supposed to get a call in July to book an appointment in August for Jeremy and I\u2019ve not heard anything yet. So I did call in to our case worker on Friday, but\u2026..she only works on Tuesdays and Wednesday\u2019s and so I\u2019ve got to wait until Tuesday before I hear back from her\u2026\u2026GAH! I\u2019m so sick of waiting. <\/p>\n

I really wanted to get this dealt with BEFORE Jeremy went back to school so that he could get started on the right foot and not be struggling from behind\u2026\u2026..I\u2019m still hoping that we are still on track for an August Appointment for Jeremy.<\/p>\n

Well, After all of that\u2026..I\u2019m outta time. I\u2019ve got to head home back to the masses. I’m just gonna post this for tomorrow and hope that if it comes across poorly, that you’ll all just have grace for me…..well, cause if you don’t, I’ll just cry. I might just cry anyway!<\/p>\n

GAH! I don\u2019t really feel like I\u2019ve worked anything out inside of myself and I hate that\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

I do believe that I\u2019ll be okay\u2026.that we\u2019ll be okay but I\u2019m tired! I\u2019m tired of feeling like I\u2019m fighting for everything\u2026\u2026I just want a moment…..a moment where I’m not struggling or fighting. I just want a moment to breathe\u2026..<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jon sent me to Starbucks to get away from the house and kids for an hour or so on Saturday morning and while I avoided writing anything for the first hour, I figured that I should at least try to work out some of the crap that is banging around inside of me\u2026\u2026.. I\u2019m sitting … Continue reading “A Moment To Breathe….”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[33,7,11,5,16,49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2038","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-deep-thoughts","category-jeremy","category-just-crap","category-life","category-me","category-the-autistic-spectrum"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2038"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2042,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038\/revisions\/2042"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2038"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2038"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2038"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}