{"id":1994,"date":"2011-07-05T21:12:19","date_gmt":"2011-07-06T04:12:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/?p=1994"},"modified":"2011-07-05T21:12:19","modified_gmt":"2011-07-06T04:12:19","slug":"as-it-is","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/as-it-is\/","title":{"rendered":"As It Is……"},"content":{"rendered":"

I typed this earlier today and then didn’t have time to proof it….so it may be scrambly or not make sense in parts, but that is how things are going these days and if I try to take the time to work on this….then I may just give up and not post it….and so here it is….here I am…..there is where I’m at…just as it is….<\/em><\/p>\n

These are some tough days that we are going through right now.<\/p>\n

Angelica\u2019s counts have been so low over the past week or so and it makes for some very stressful times. It feels very vulnerable and like she is unprotected. Because the \u201cenemy\u201d are unable to be seen with the naked eye\u2026it makes this fight, that much more difficult. We don\u2019t know where they are and so it makes protecting Angelica almost impossible.<\/p>\n

Any open wound, no matter how large or tiny is an open source for infection and at this point, a tiny paper cut could send her into the hospital\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that the paper cut could send her into the hospital, but that the cut is an open wound and if she comes in contact with a bacteria and it gains entrance into her body\u2026..she has no ability to fight off that infection.<\/p>\n

The health that you or I take for granted\u2026\u2026the cuts, and scrapes…the bacteria that we come into contact with and never think twice about,\u2026..it all poses a very serious risk for her.<\/p>\n

And right now especially, it\u2019s tough\u2026.because she is supposed to be going to New York in 12 days. That\u2019s less than a course of antibiotics (14 days) and throw in the 24-48 hours that it would take to culture the particular strain of bacteria or virus and you are looking at possible 16+ days in the hospital\u2026\u2026none of this do we want on a good day\u2026..much less when her trip is in 12 days.<\/p>\n

Every time she mentions, not feeling well or that she has an upset tummy or a headache, or she feels hot or cold\u2026..every time she coughs or feels like she might barf\u2026\u2026we reach for the thermometer to take her temperature because when her counts are this low, a fever is often the only indicator that something might be brewing in her system.<\/p>\n

I have been feeling so worn down as of late. I feel like I am reaching the absolute end of my rope. There are things that are just piling on top of everything else and making the end of this stage of the journey that much tougher. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m physically tired. I\u2019ve mentioned this before but it\u2019s true. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other because I HAVE TO, but that doesn\u2019t mean that those feet don\u2019t feel like they have been dipped into cement.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m emotionally tired. I\u2019ve spent a good portion of this past week just on the edge of crying and every little \u201cbump\u201d has sent me over the edge and set off tears. <\/p>\n

Probably the biggest frustration for me personally is the mental exhaustion\u2026\u2026I am just not able to compute things right now. I am struggling with organizing and putting things together. This might sound so simple and ridiculous to you, but I walked around Superstore 3 times on Monday afternoon with my shopping list in my hand and yet\u2026\u2026I just could not seem to make sense of my grocery shopping list. I had to double back to pick stuff up and in the end I had to get Jon to just walk me through the last bit of my list as I just couldn\u2019t make sense of it\u2026\u2026even then\u2026.we walked away from the store forgetting to pick things up.<\/p>\n

I walk around my house forgetting what I was supposed to be doing and why\u2026..<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve just gone too far and things that I used to be able to do on brain power alone, and then with lists and prompts and gadgets and reminders\u2026\u2026.I find myself unable to do even with all the \u201chelp\u201d and tricks that I’m trying.<\/p>\n

And that inability to function at the top of my game it makes all of this that much tougher. I don\u2019t\u2019 even feel like I\u2019m functioning \u201cin the game\u201d and that sets off those tears all over again.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying so very hard to be gentle on myself and yet, I expect so much because I am normally capable\u2026.but right now I\u2019m not\u2026.and that\u2019s hard for me to deal with.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

We reach for the thermometer to take her temperature and inside I am freaking out\u2026.praying and hoping and wishing (and truthfully panicking<\/em>) that the thermometer will read low numbers\u2026.that I wont see a number indicating a fever\u2026. <\/p>\n

Just that stress alone is too much right now\u2026.<\/p>\n

On Thursday her neutrophil count was not able to be counted (it was too low to be measured\u2026lower than .02<\/em>). Monday when we took her in for blood work, her counts came back at .1 and while this is much better than the previous count\u2026.it\u2019s still WAY TOO LOW and she is still SO at risk.<\/p>\n

She will get another set of bloodwork on Thursday and we are hoping that her numbers will be over .75 and she can start Maintenance\u2026..<\/p>\n

Did you know that exercise actually boosts your immune system? Like immediately there is a benefit\u2026\u2026when oncology kids are getting their bloodwork done to be able to start chemo\u2026.they have to be at a certain level in order to start the next phase of chemo. If their levels are borderline low\u2026they will actually have the kids walk around the hospital or walk up and down the stairs a few times and then run another set of bloodwork and it will be up and over the level needed\u2026..amazing isn\u2019t it? It\u2019s huge incentive to exercise especially throughout the fall,winter and spring……just some thing to think about, eh?<\/em><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve been walking everyday. We are hoping to accomplish a few things with this. One<\/strong>, to boost Angelica\u2019s immune system and to get that neutrophil level up. Two<\/strong>, to increase Angelica\u2019s strength level. She\u2019s spent a great deal of this past year on the couch and it\u2019s time to rebuild up the strength and muscle that she lost. Three<\/strong>, we are getting a little bit of sun, which helps to get extra vitamin D into all of us. That \u201chappy vitamin\u201d is so necessary and good for all of us; plus it puts a little bit of color into Geli\u2019s skin and again with the whole\u2026\u201dshe\u2019s spent most of the past year inside and on the couch<\/em>\u201d business…..between that and being chemo induced anemic\u2026..she\u2019s been looking pretty pasty. The color gives her a bit more of a healthy glow\u2026.which matches her new healthy position in life! Don\u2019t worry, I\u2019m a big fan of proper and safe sun exposure. <\/p>\n

We are hoping, although we won\u2019t know, that her counts will have come up above .5 (the level that she was allowed to safely go to school at<\/em>) by tomorrow\u2026..this would allow her to do a few more things like going shopping with us and running errands and things like that. <\/p>\n

Once she starts Maintenance, then her counts will obviously be high enough and I will feel like I can breath and relax\u2026.<\/p>\n

To be honest, I\u2019m scared. I\u2019m scared of feeling like I can relax. I\u2019m scared of how I might feel were I to just relax\u2026. I\u2019ve been trying so hard to keep things all together and it feels a bit like a dam might explode and I don\u2019t feel like I could handle that. I\u2019m scared of the tidal wave of emotions that might be unleashed were I to just relax\u2026.<\/p>\n

I just want to go and sit somewhere by the beach and let the wind blow in my hair ummmmm, well<\/del> on my bald head, to feel the sand in my toes\u2026..to just close my eyes, and smell the salt air and let the intensity of this past year just wash away from me with every wave that crashes.<\/p>\n

I’m hoping that this summer will be a healing one….and that I’ll get a few chances to make it to the beach.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I typed this earlier today and then didn’t have time to proof it….so it may be scrambly or not make sense in parts, but that is how things are going these days and if I try to take the time to work on this….then I may just give up and not post it….and so here … Continue reading “As It Is……”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[48,33,26,19,8,5,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1994","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cancer-sucks","category-deep-thoughts","category-exercise","category-gelica","category-health","category-life","category-me"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1994","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1994"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1994\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1996,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1994\/revisions\/1996"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1994"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1994"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1994"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}