I’ve been really struggling with this whole situation.<\/p>\n
The whole “my daughter has been diagnosed with cancer and has been in the hospital for a month and we’ve had a baby and lived apart as a family and…..”the list just continues on and on and on and on…..<\/p>\n
I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is believing that God “can” heal Geli but questioning and struggling with believing that He’s going to come through for me this time….for her….for us…our family.<\/p>\n
There I said it….yup….just being honest….I’m a real person. I’m not so strong. I don’t have it all together. In fact, I’m not sure I have any of it together. I’m just working on breathing one breath at a time most days…and most times right now even that seems difficult.<\/p>\n
I know that God heals. I know that many have been healed miraculously and some have been healed with the help of the medical system and yet in spite all of that, I feel so unsure that it might happen for us. <\/p>\n
I think this is “my” journey in all of this…….somewhere between trusting and dealing with massive fear….<\/p>\n
I’m struggling to find even a mustard seed amount of faith in all of this.<\/p>\n
I had a son. He died. I know that he didn’t have to die. I believe that God could have allowed different circumstances to happen in our lives and yet I know that through it all, He walked with us. He comforted us. He carried us. I don’t believe for one minute that He did that (or thi<\/em>s) to us. I believe that we live in a world where bad things happen and that He will love, carry and comfort us through the bad things in life. I also believe that He will help good things to happen out of the bad things that come up in our lives.<\/p>\n I also believe that He has the power to “protect us”……..?<\/p>\n and yet……..I dunno…….<\/p>\n I just don’t understand why we’ve gone through the hard things in our lives and why He’s allowed these things to happen.<\/p>\n (Those stupid why’s again……)<\/p>\n I don’t WANT to have to “deal” or “walk through” these things.<\/p>\n I don’t want to be “strong enough” to overcome these situations and circumstances.<\/p>\n I just want my healthy family back together and for all of this to go away. And….I know it’s not gonna happen.<\/p>\n I think of the “process” and it’s such a long process and it overwhelms me. I’m tired. I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m stressed.<\/p>\n I’m having horrible dreams where my other children are getting seriously hurt or injured and waking up like that is a brutal, BRUTAL way to wake up, let alone waking up to the reality at hand.<\/p>\n I had a bit of a cry the other night. It was “The Ugly Cry – the light version”….. I was in the hospital room, in the dark…and I was so disappointed that we weren’t coming home and going to be together again and I’d been fighting the tears all day. I didn’t want to scare or bother Geli and so I was laying there sobbing silently into my pillow. I call it “The Ugly Cry – the light version” because with “The Ugly Cry” there is typically a lot of noise, amazing amounts of snot and tears, huge volumes of kleenex or at the very least sleeves and shirt bottoms involved and massively, MASSIVE puffy eyes at the end…..well, I was trying to be silent, had no kleenex, did have the snot and tears and when I woke up at 3:30 the next morning and went to the toilet….the beast in the mirror had the HUGEST PUFFIEST EYES and so……”The Ugly Cry – the light version”.<\/p>\n Apparently it relieved a little bit of the pressure, as the next day when the dr came in to tell me that Geli wouldn’t be going home until after Friday….I was okay. Not good, but okay enough to not fall apart in front of him…..<\/p>\n Listening to him didn’t really help my confusion and frustration as he basically said that Geli has pretty much hit the worse case scenario in every step of this journey so far…<\/p>\n Best case, she should have been home within the first week of being at the hospital…and yet she’s pretty much hit every complication that she could have. He’s concerned that following that track record that she might not have cleared the cancer cells by the biopsy this Thursday and may have to continue on this initial course of treatment for another two weeks….which they couldn’t even continue on with if her counts stay so low….. <\/p>\n It’s just has so far appeared to be a bad to worse case….I don’t want to hear that.<\/p>\n I don’t want to hear that he’s concerned or thinking the worse case scenario in regards to Gelica. <\/p>\n I want the best to happen and yet I’m scared.<\/p>\n I’ve been disappointed and let down in the past and this is where I need help……<\/p>\n I need ones to stand beside me and to speak out the positive and to believe for me and with me when my faith is low. I’m already bashing or knocking myself for having doubts and that just makes me feel worse about everything. I don’t need anyone to tell me how I “should be feeling” or what I “should believe”. Believe me, I know…….I KNOW!<\/p>\n And yet, this is where I’m at today….maybe I’ll be stronger tomorrow, but….things are hard right now for me….I’m not speaking for Jon or Geli or anyone else….just me.<\/p>\n I appreciate all your prayers and faith and belief. I want to see the absolute best for my daughter and my family. I want to believe it with every fiber of my being. I’m trying so hard. I know it “can” happen….I guess I just want assurance that it will happen. I’m just finding all of that to be a bit hard right now…..<\/p>\n And….I’m tired. I’m so SO tired. I don’t know where or how to find the strength that seems to be required of me in this situation. I feel like I’m too close to the end of my rope. I don’t know when things will “get better” or ease up a little and allow us to feel like we can catch our breath. It just feels like too much all at once with no chance to breath. Between Geli and her health and the hospital stay, the baby, being apart from the kids, worrying about the kids, being with the kids, being apart from Jon, being over tired, work……just everything….I feel like I’m drowning and I so desperately need things to stabilize so that we can catch our breath and re-group. I’ve gone beyond running on fumes and yet I see no end in sight…..and…..and…..and I don’t even know what to say or where to go from here or even how to end this……..<\/p>\n It’s just where I’m at right now…..I’m so tired and worn down.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’ve been really struggling with this whole situation. The whole “my daughter has been diagnosed with cancer and has been in the hospital for a month and we’ve had a baby and lived apart as a family and…..”the list just continues on and on and on and on….. I think the biggest thing that I … Continue reading “Brutal Honesty”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1128","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-me"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1128","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1128"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1128\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1134,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1128\/revisions\/1134"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1128"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1128"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xangelle.com\/dailygrind\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1128"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}