Thanks for the love and support on my previous post! It’s meaningful to hear (or read) your messages and comments. I share because I know I’m not alone on this journey; but at one point, I thought I was and that felt awful.
If my sharing helps even one person to know that they’re not alone, or if it helps explain what it’s like to live with this aspect of mental illness to someone who doesn’t understand, or if it raises awareness or even opens conversation, then it’s worth it.
I previously mentioned all the things I use to help me cope. Things like therapy, medications, exercise, diet, journaling, sleep, nature, being present and gratitude all contribute to a healthier, happier me.
I could spend a long time talking about the journey from where I was to where I am now, and how I got here. Maybe I will add to this series but the point was…
Why do I Focus on Gratitude?
Why? Because I believe that practising gratitude has made a HUGE difference in my life.
I have had my share of struggles and challenges. In Jan 2005, our 4th child, Nathaniel, was stillborn. That rocked my world. We never got a clear reason why. It was “just one of those things that happened” according to the drs. It was devastating. After that, we tried to have another baby. I got pregnant 4 more times over the next 2 years and lost them all. Again, Drs had no answers. The 5th time was the charm and Josiah was born in 2007.
To say that my mental health was challenged during this time was an understatement. I was sad and grieving but also, anxiety was at an all time high. It was not a great time for me. I spent the 9 months of Josiah’s pregnancy terrified that he was going to die. I had brutal rumination every waking moment of the day. Combine that with 9 months of “all day” sickness and you have yourself a serious party. I was desperately wishing for a dr. to admit me to the hospital because I felt insane, all of the time.
I was so thankful that Siah was born healthy and was finally earth side but the years of intense anxiety had done a number on my brain. I was terrified that something might happen to him; and that we might lose him too. I was severely anxious all the time and basically white knuckling it to make it through each day. At this point, I didn’t have an anxiety diagnosis. I wasn’t on meds. This was part of my, “it’s normal to feel anxious after you’ve lost a baby and I should be able to handle this better than I am.” period of life. I just had no clue what “better” could look like.
In June 2010, our eldest was diagnosed with Leukemia, one week before Judah (our 5th child) was born. Talk about holding space for conflicting emotions, we had the immeasurable joy of one child being born combined with the heart wrenching pain of seeing another fighting for their life.
The birth wasn’t what I had planned. Going home alone after the birth wasn’t what I had planned. Parenting 4 kids alone wasn’t what I had planned. Nothing was going according to my plans.
I’m a hard core planner. Well, I was. Now I’m more of a loose planner who hopes for the best but is willing to flow with whatever because I’m aware that I have absolutely no control in this life.
One afternoon, a couple of months into the cancer journey, I felt like I was approaching rock bottom. I was exhausted, depressed, hopeless, devastated, I felt alone and unsure as to how I was possibly going to do “this”. It was too much. Way too much. I couldn’t fathom carrying on but I didn’t have any other choice.
I have no idea why, but I picked up my camera. I determined in myself, to capture 10 photos of things around my home that brought me joy.
I purposed to take pictures of the beautiful things in my life, no matter how mundane or ordinary. In fact, I was looking for the things that most people would gloss over.
My life felt like it was a run away train barrelling towards a cliff and there was nothing I could do to change where I was at.
I had no control over anything. I was helpless and hopeless; or was I? I couldn’t change my circumstances but I could change what I was focused on. Even if it was for just brief moments of time, I could focus on the beauty around me.
I could shift my focus from the chaos, devastation and difficulties surrounding me and seek out the good, the beauty, the light. I could choose to be thankful for any little thing that I could find.
Birthday color 
Folded laundry 
Blue Skies 
Stages of Life
It took a bit for me to get started because I was so used to seeing all the bad things that were happening; but once I got started it got easier.
I honestly believe that practicing gratitude saved me. It didn’t change my circumstances. Things were still SO tough. I was still overwhelmed. I was still exhausted and had no idea how I was going to carry on but purposely shifting my focus from negative to positive, even for a moment, gave me a brief moment of respite.
That brief moment of gratitude filled my heart and soul with happiness. Even though nothing had changed externally; internally, there was a shift. A minute and fleeting shift but a shift none-the-less.
I’d love to say that from that moment on everything was sunshine and roses. Um…but it wasn’t. And honestly, that was just the beginning of my gratitude journey. It was a brief foray into the world of living with gratitude.
The “cancer years” were a pretty dark time. And although I did practise gratitude sporadically, and mostly when things got really dire; it wasn’t until a couple of years later that I attempted my first 30 days of Gratitude.
That’s when I really started to realize how powerful and life changing it could be.
