Not Quite Drowning?

Is there a single word for “not quite drowning”?

That moment when a person in the water is struggling with all their might. Gasping for air. Popping above the water just long enough to gulp a quick breath. It’s not quite enough to refresh or revive but it’s just enough to prolong the inevitable. Your adrenaline kicks in and even though you’re exhausted, you still thrash around wasting precious energy, air, resources……

That’s a bit how I feel.

Brutal, eh?

I’d say it’s been quite a week. But on further reflection, it’s been quite a month, and a hell of a year and quite honestly, it’s been a decade of chaos and loss and trauma.

There’s something about the idea of surrender. Something still and quiet and peaceful. In some ways, it feels like failure or giving up. And I guess it truly is “giving up”. Giving up on the assumption that I can “do” all of this. Giving up the arrogance that says I’m super human and can do the impossible. Giving up on the idea that I’m in control.

Often we think that “drowning + surrender = death” but maybe we are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe “drowning + surrender = truly living”.

Maybe it’s the weight that we need to surrender.

Maybe it’s the chaos that we need to surrender.

Maybe it’s the control that we need to surrender.

And maybe…in the surrender, we will be able to truly live, unencumbered by weight that drags us down, tires us out and distracts us from what we really want to do.

It’s probably a good thing that I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, eh?

Daily Photos

Daily Photos

Today has been a really tough day for me. I can’t even tell you exactly why. Aside from the typical, special needs parent/business owner stress; I’ve done “okay” so far during the pandemic. But today I felt sad and discouraged and the tears fell easily. You know what…..that’s okay. It’s okay to feel, to process, to wallow, to acknowledge, to accept these feelings. They are feelings. They don’t make me good or bad. They don’t define me. They just are. They are MY FEELINGS. So……I didn’t do everything I had hoped or planned but I sat. I acknowledged the intensity of this year and the challenges. I was gentle with myself. And tonight I will go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day. #sadlight #allthefeelings #sadness #acceptance #understanding #compassion #covid19 #newdays
Posted by Intagrate Lite