“I just don’t know” with a side order of “panic”!

I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to get my thoughts and feelings out here in a calm, collected manner.

I’m pretty sure there is some sort of PTSD going on with me.

I went into a complete tailspin last night around 11:30pm when Judah woke up with a fever.

I’m not saying that it’s a good thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure that this whole situation is pretty much anything other than a good thing. Unfortunately, it is what it is and I can’t make it go away.

Oh how I wish!

Jon’s working a 9-5 job right now and it out of the house for 10 hours a day….with commute time. This past year we have been so SO blessed by so many people and still….the expenses of the last year have been such that we are behind….by a lot! and we cannot afford to have him not work. So where does that leave me…

How do I manage the kids at home if Geli needs to go to the hospital? If Judah was sick, how to I stay with him and take Angelica to the hospital. Her care is complex. There are decisions to be made and we want to be involved in her care because there are been too many times where things may have gone so differently were we not there to be watching. She is one child out of many that need care in the hospital and we believe that we have been given the job to care for and manage our daughter and her health. We need to counsel of the medical experts and together we come to the best decision for our child regardless of whether its the “popular” one or not. This plan has worked well for us in the care of all of our children and I’m not at a place where I feel that we can jus drop her off at the hospital and leave her there. She is only 14 years old….hospitals can be disconcerting for even adults, let alone a child who has been through as much as she has over the past year and a half. On the other hand, Judah is still a nursing baby. I can’t just leave him for a couple of days. And…I can’t be two places at once….

My biggest problem comes in not knowing how I would handle everything, if she had to go into the hospital.

Even if she just has a cold with a fever, and it’s just a virus that will run its course and they can’t give her any medication for it….she still has to go in for a 3-4 day stay.

I don’t know how I would handle it if that happened or what I would do.

There is a part of me that believed that because Jon got this job which has been such a blessing fro our family that somehow that meant that we wouldn’t end up in the hospital any more for the rest of her treatment. I can’t count on that. I don’t know that for sure. It’s foolish of me to just bury my head in the sand and hope for something. I need to at least think through what I would need to do and right now….I can’t figure it out.

And so when Judah woke up with a fever and the weight of this all hit me……I panicked.

I still don’t know how I might handle that situation, if it does present itself.

In some ways, I just wish that we could live in a bubble and just wait this out. And yet, I know how entirely foolish that is….and so we must carry on.

We have about 10 more months of this treatment.

I’ve got to figure something out…..

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

3 thoughts on ““I just don’t know” with a side order of “panic”!”

  1. hey patti you know what you can do, is that if something happens can you post it right away and we all will be praying for you. like baby has fever in middle of night just type baby fever please pray. we are here. i know i am. i am always reading your post so i know what to pray. you are not alone. sometimes God wakes me up middle of night and i pray for others and quickly fall asleep again or i will get up and look at computer. i always read your blog before i go to my emails. this is very wierd week, am dealing with cancer issues in the past in my life. i am still here. love debra

  2. I feel your fear and panic…..and your worry. I am sure you know this, Patty, but often we worry about things that never happen. that is a waste of valuable energy…and is negative. We are not meant to worry, but rather trust. I know this is not an easy thing to do. But worry robs us of our peace and faith. I am certain, that if you needed to take Geli to the hospital, there would be SOMEONE who would help you out and watch the other kids. I am going to pray for two things – First, that you would have a supernatural peace in your circumstances. We are promised peace in the midst of the storm…and I claim that for you. Secondly, that you identify a few people who would come to your aid in a crisis. See them as your safety net. People need to know what you need, so don’t be afraid to let them know. You are a precious family and God knows your journey. I don’t pretend to understand “why”, but I do know that at our time of deepest need, He carries us. Sometimes we don’t see it or feel it at the time, but He does. May you feel His peace settle over you today. Wishing you and your family an amazing Christmas filled with joy, peace and comfort.

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