Category: School

Finding a lose thread

It feels like I have a million thoughts running through my brain. I just wish I could pick one of them, out of the jumble. I feel like if I could find the loose end of “one” thought……then maybe…..just maybe I could start to unravel this mess inside of myself.

But it seems like the harder I try to wrestle within myself…..the tighter the mess inside me gets and I’m left wondering if I should just stop fighting so hard to unravel it all or even if I should just let it all go?

The biggest thing weighing on me right now is Siah……always with a heavy weight of Jeremy……but today we had a meeting with Siah’s school.

It was a good meeting, as far as meetings go with the teachers, the resource teacher and the principal go.

I’m so…….so……….

I’m so conflicted about it all.

Siah is so different that Jeremy. I get that. I get that no two kids are the same. But I also know what we’ve been through as far as assessing Jeremy and getting him helps and I’m not sure how to even approach that with Siah.

On one hand, I feel like they are saying “THERE IS A PROBLEM.” And on the other hand, I hear that they see the potential within him and they want to know how they can best support him.

I actually do believe that this school and these people really do want to help my son succeed.

I find it so hard, when our experience with Jeremy and school has been SO negative. Dealing with Jeremy and “the school system” was soul crushing. I had people saying that he was a nice kid but then sending him out he the hall or the sick room cause they couldn’t “handle” him.

Throw the maternal guilt and a massive anxiety complex on top of it all……and you have a very messed up trying to function through the pain and rejection while trying to survive against ADHD and undiagnosed Autism.

I keep hearing snippets from today’s meeting playing through my brain and while I desperately want to believe the good about people and situations….I feel like I’ve got a war going on inside of me.

I want to fight for myself and my kids. I feel like I can’t trust people. I feel like people don’t know us and won’t see “us”. I feel like they won’t understand and see the “good”. I feel like I have to fight…….kicking and screaming for everything that we deserve.

I don’t want to live like that. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of living “on my own”. Of raising my kids, “on my own”. Of fighting for my and my children’s right to be accepted and loved as they are………and not only “if they conform to social norms……”

I’m tired.

Jon and I were talking the other day and while I feel like I’ve recovered some from the intensity of the cancer devastation……..we’re left wondering if we will always feel tired like this…..

I don’t know.

I want to hear that people love my kids and want to spend time with them. I don’t want to always hear about how my kids are a problem or how they fall short. I don’t want to hear that I should spank or discipline harsher. I don’t want to hear that I just need to do it “this way” or “that way”

I want to hear that my kids are treasures and that they are special. And not because they have “special needs”

I need to go…..to go to sleep. To hopefully let some of this settle. Maybe in the morning, maybe then I can find a loose end to start unraveling. But for now……for now I will sleep…….and cry……..I hate crying. I’m so tired of crying. It sucks…..leaves you puffy and with a headache…..I hate that.

Cannot wait for the Christmas break. It cannot come soon enough.

Changes can be Good

So many new changes…

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We moved into our new home just over a week ago. The home itself is lovely and bright but the actual move just about did us in.

We have moved so many times over the past 18 years but this move was by far the absolute hardest…..even taking our move from Abbotsford to Langley after 10 years of living there.

I’m not exactly sure what made this move so horrific, but I’m almost positive that our “reserves” to be able to handle stress were non-existent and that made things so SO tough.

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We have things settled down to where we can sort of function but we are not actually “settled”. My room is a disaster with unopened boxes still stacked about and we are still trying to figure out how to place our furniture. It’s tough when everything had a place and now the layout has changed and you are not sure how to “Tetris” everything in. There is quite a bit of puzzling and re-arranging to try to fit 7 people and all of their stuff into a new space.

Jeremy is finally starting back into his regular homeschool routine after 2 weeks of chaos. We started a little bit at the end of last week just to ease him into it and then we hit the ground running this morning. Our “office/homeschool” room is still a bit chaotic but it’s coming along slowly.

One of the bigger changes around here, as if moving wasn’t enough, is that Siah is going to the local Elementary School. He started the first Monday that we moved. He’s been so excited. We had a big meeting with the school before we moved and then another “intake meeting”. That one was kind of rough because you are talking about all the ways your child struggles and will need help. Having a child with learning differences is not easy but having already gone through the Infant mental Health Clinic at BC Children’s has totally given us a leg up to be able to get him the help he needs.

It’s exciting to see him SO excited to go to school and meet new friends. Today he is going to attend until noon. They’ve started him attending slowly and are working up. We’ve gone from 1 hour last Monday to half a day today.

I’m shocked at how much it feels like I have “all this free time”. It’s quite a lot of work teaching two kiddos while supervising a third and trying to care for the home too.

So not only are we adjusting to a new home but also a new schooling balance. I’m excited and exhausted. Looking forward to spending the summer out on my deck and in the backyard.

Just trying to get through today…….that’s how my world feels right now. Just focused on today…….sometimes that’s all I can handle.

But I feel like this is a new beginning and I’m pretty excited. I have no idea what the future holds but for the first time in a long time……I’m feeling that we are headed in an upward direction. I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I’m drowning. I’m tired but feel like we’ve crossed over from barely treading water to being able to rest and rejuvenate. It’s such a welcome feeling after the past 3 years.

Not like an elephant

My dad used to ask odd riddles. (I would never do that to my kids…) One of the riddles went like this: How do you carve an elephant out of a block of wood?  The answer is: You take a chisel to a block of wood and knock off anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

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As dumb as that it, it’s relevant in raising a family in today’s world.  You have to know what your family is supposed to “look like” and knock off stuff that doesn’t look like that.  I guess its also like driving a car; after a while things just look like they are supposed to.  You can’t really explain why you stop before going through a green light, but something just doesn’t fit the normal and then a car runs a red light right in front of you.

This happened today for me with my daughter. Angelica has fought cancer, and now she is fighting to get back her strength and mobility.  She wants a car, she wants a job, and most of all she just wants to be normal (at least as ‘normal’ as one of my kids can be).

She is taking a class at school called ‘Planning’.  In this class they discuss all kinds of relevant stuff, like what skills will actually make you successful in the real world and how to think critically and how to prepare for a career and how to apply for a job.  This part is awesome!!!

In teaching the class, her teacher wants everything to be ‘real’. He wants them to make resumes with skills that they actually have, select a job from the local paper that they might actually apply for, write a cover letter for their tailored resume as if they were actually applying for that job, and then conduct a mock interview where you explain why you want the job and what your qualifications are.  This part is awesome!!!

The line was crossed for me when her teacher (name blurred to protect the well-meaning) told her that she couldn’t apply to be a “mother’s helper” because she can’t run after kids on a playground if they start to run away. Again, this is all in the name of making this exercise ‘real’, and I kind of understand the point.  This went back and forth a little bit, but today Angelica got this note:

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An alarm went off inside me… Now that I have processed it, written a response, received an apologetic call back from the teacher, I know perfectly well why this is bad, but I wrote the email before even fully thinking it through… I just knew it didn’t “look like an elephant”.  Here is my reply:

As per attached, I do not agree with this and I want it to stop immediately!

Angelica has fought cancer with every fiber of her being for over three years. It has been one of the most difficult things that I have seen a child go through. Angelica was very athletic and was talking about signing up for baseball before she was diagnosed with cancer. The most painful part of the treatment for Angelica was what it stole from her in terms of time and opportunity. Now she is in a place of working very hard to recover and we are constantly reinforcing for her that she can do anything.

In an attempt to make this job interview as real as possible, I believe that you have crossed a very sensitive and very real personal boundary. The facts of her “medical condition” have only been discussed at length with Mrs — and Mr —. By repeatedly questioning Angelica’s “mother’s helper” job application and telling her that she couldn’t do that job, you are 1) incorrect about her condition, 2) incorrect about what a mother’s helper job is, 3) acting in a manner that will be harmful to her recovery, and 4) breaking the spirit of my daughter.

  1. Her condition is such that she should avoid running or doing major impact, but is completely capable of it if needs be. I don’t believe that its really her responsibility or requirement to provide you all the details of her condition to take this class. If she says that she can be a mother’s helper, then you are in no position to say otherwise.
  2. We have employed a couple mother’s helpers in the past and it did not always include taking care of children. A mother’s helper may be required to do household chores so the mother (who is still in the home) can spend time with their child. A mother’s helper is not the same as a nanny as a nanny is left alone with the child and chores. If Angelica applied to be a mother’s helper to our family, and I knew what I know about her capabilities, I would hire her in a heartbeat.
  3. Angelica needs motivation to do all the physio that she is required to do. Her motivation right now is that she wants to buy a car, and she needs a job to do that, and she is doing her physio as hard as possible so that she can get an actual job as soon as possible. By making her focus on limitations (that aren’t actually there) you are taking away her motivation.
  4. Angelica, who holds her emotion in to her own detriment, has broken down in tears about this. She is getting the message from this process that she is not good enough, that she is broken, that she could never get a job. My daughter has the spirit of a fighter, and in fact she has fought through cancer to live. But it took a lot of effort on the part of us, her parents, school counselors, friends, neighbors and family to constantly encourage her to fight, to win. I did not tolerate negative reinforcement then, and I will not tolerate it now.

I believe that walking the kids through real world scenarios is VERY VERY good. I wish that I had been taught what it is to apply for and compete for a job when I was in school. I understand the motivation for making it real, but I ask you to step back from the “realism” in this area.

I was impressed when I read my own email. The teacher called me right away, immediately saw my point and has set out to amend the situation.  I wouldn’t always jump in to fight for my kids, but there are times when I do jump right away and I can’t really explain why… I just know what my family is supposed to look like and I’ll knock off anything that doesn’t look like it.

When do you jump in and fight for your kids, or let them fight for themselves?

Paint, pain and chaos

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We are in the home stretch before we move. One month to go and I’m exhausted. There is still SO much to do but we will make it……we always do.

I’m sitting here in bed, icing my knees, in the middle of chaos. My room is a disaster……honestly, the house is a disaster AND we are starting school tomorrow in the middle of that disaster.

It feels like we got a fair amount accomplished but then when I go and look at my list……there is still so much to do even after I cross off all that we did today.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, a fresh start and maybe I’ll feel a bit more cheerful in the morning.

Another Beginning

So, I guess I took the summer off, eh?

Wasn’t planning on it, but it just turned out that way. Life has been so busy and it doesn’t really show signs of slowing down any time soon.

Today was our first day back at school for all 4 of the bigger kids. Geli’s in Grade 10. Xani’s in Grade 9. Jeremy started Grade 7 and Josiah started Kindergarten. Judah doesn’t want to get left out of anything and so….well, he just joined right in with us. (Forgot to get the girls pics….will have to do it when they get home today….oooops!)

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Siah wasn’t exactly thrilled to have his “first day of Kindergarten” picture taken. Just keeping it real, people. Just keeping it real!

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Once I let him go back inside and get his DSi…..which is what he wanted. I was able to grab this shot where at least, he is looking in the general direction of the camera and sort of smiling.

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As far as first day’s go…..I think today was a pretty good one.

Jeremy did a great job reviewing some of his last years stuff and we ploughed through a ton of stuff with Josiah. I can’t wait for a few months to be able to see how far he’s come. We’ve got a fairly hefty reward incentive thingy with stickers and a goody box and all that jazz going on……in an effort to convince him to “stay focused on the actual activity at hand”, and I’m really hoping that soon we will be able to phase that out or mostly out.

Not surprisingly, Jeremy is quite nervous about what he may or may not remember and so I’m planning on doing a bit of review this week to “prove to him” that he is actually as smart and competent as I say he is.

We did manage to get out for a “Recess” and took a walk along the trails by our house. We picked a(nother) full tray of blackberries to freeze. (Jeremy will eat frozen berries like they are candy and so I’m saving up as many as I can get my hands on.)

We made it to lunch time, made it through lunch and now that the baby is sleeping, we are about to start a section of Arts and Crafts…..I think we are gonna do some leaf rubbings. Jeremy picked some up on our walk……We’ll talk about seasons and the leaves changing colors and falling….and it will all tie into Josiah’s Science Lesson for the day.

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I am hoping that I’ll be able to carve out a little more time for myself now that we are back into a “routine”. I am really throwing that word around lightly here, but I’m confident that we will get there…..right? Positive thoughts! Positive thoughts!

How was YOUR summer? I’ll get to mine in the next few posts or so…

How has your September started off? Busy? Regular? Quiet? Slow?

How I wish mine was quiet and slow……how I wish!!!!

Foundations

This is my view right now…

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And my other view…

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It looks very calm and peaceful and for one second it is….and then chaos erupts as we learn to work together. It will come. I am certain that we will all learn to work with, beside and together, but until then…..it’s interesting, to say the least.

We have decided to homeschool Jeremy for the time being.

There are so many factors that went into this decision and it was not a decision that was made lightly.

I feel somewhat conflicted about this decision and yet I believe that it has the potential to be the best thing for Jeremy.

We are going to be working with him on a bunch of foundational stuff. Not just math, reading and science….but we are working on keyboarding skills, organizational skills, typing skills, social skills and so much more.

Yes, there are moments of panic when I wonder what the heck I am doing, but somewhere deep inside of me under all the noise of the fear and dread that I might be messing my child up is this still small voice that says that we are doing the exact right thing for Jeremy at this moment in time.

And when I choose to listen to that voice….I have peace.

And so I’m going with the peace.

I figure that we will work through today. And there is a good possibility that tomorrow might look very different from today or….today might work SMASHINGLY and we will carry on with the plan from today.

I don’t know.

I don’t know if we are going to do this for the rest of this year, or for grade 7 too. Will we continue on for Grade 8 or will he join the public school system for High School?

I don’t know. At this point we are just working day by day and will see how this works for us. We have a goal…..

We want Jeremy to be the MOST SUCCESSFUL person that he can be. We want him to be well rounded and a contributing member of society.

Yes, he has things that our society deems are limitations, but I believe with everything in me that Jeremy has every capability of being a HUGE SUCCESS! We believe that he has the ability to learn all the skill necessary to be able to accomplish any dream that he has. He may need some coaching and he may need some creative help, but I believe in him.

We are working on foundational stuff that will help to set him up in an incredible way for if and when it’s time for him to go back to public school….

At this point, we are taking things day by day…….although I’m nervous about it all, I’m also very excited.

I’m looking forward to seeing Jeremy grow and become the amazing man that he is destined to be.

You Rock!

Thank you for your comments and e-mails and Facebook messages.

We have appreciated each and everyone.  It’s great to have so many different perspectives and to hear different ones experiences.

We haven’t made a decision either way.  I’m so conflicted but in the mean time…

The school has gone to bat for Jeremy and is showing through their actions just how much they care for him.  The Vice Principal called me yesterday and asked if I was okay with her talking with his class about respect and if I was okay with her using Jeremy as an example.  I said that it would be okay.  I figured that if it got worse….then we’d pull him.  If it gets amazing better, then YAH!

She called me this morning and talked about what steps the school is taking.  They did talk with the class about respect and about harm….about not harming other people with words or actions.  They also spoke with a few other classes (some of the children bothering Jeremy are in other classes) about the Quebec Teen who was bullied.  I really hope that the outcome is compassion as opposed to derision.

The school really seems to be taking this whole situation seriously.  I have to admit to a whole bunch of guilt in not dealing with this before now…this is the third year that Jeremy has been complaining about the same group of kids.  Obviously Geli was the highest priority last year, but still…..

The Vice Principal mentioned that Jeremy seems less stressed today than he did yesterday (we ran into her when we went past the school to pick up some of his work) or the day before and this is a good thing.

He slept so good last night and actually slept in this morning.  I really do think that the day off really helped to calm him down. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep and was waking up earlier and earlier stressing about school.

On top of him calling home stressed about being bullied, he’s also been calling home saying that his meds aren’t working or wondering if he forgot to take him meds….Yesterday he had no problems focusing when it was necessary.  I actually think that the stress of everything was causing him to be so distracted and was hindering him from being able to focus.  So far, I’ve had no calls home and I’m expecting him home in about an hour.  The no calls home is a very good thing.

I don’t think that this situation has magically resolved itself, but I do hope that we are headed in the right direction.

And my baby just woke up and so I’m off…. have a great rest of the day!

 

Routine & Advice

Well, today was the first full day of school for our older 3. Angelica and Alexandra are in High School and Jeremy is in Elementary School in Grade 6. Siah and Judah are at home with me.

It seems odd to me that I’ve got such a HUGE spread from my 1 year old to my oldest in Grade 9; but that is what happens when you’ve got a 7 year spread in between the 3rd and 4th child.

I am SO looking forward to getting back into a routine of some sort. There is something just so comforting about knowing what to expect and when to expect it. The past 14 months have been anything but routine. While I normally look forward to September and the newness and routine that it brings, I find that this year, more than ever before, I am craving the comfort that routine brings.

When the older kids headed off the school this morning, the two littles and I headed out to the grocery store. It’s never “fun” taking the kids shopping, and this morning was no better; but it was different. Different because this is a NEW SEASON…..and I have a NEW PERSPECTIVE. It’s amazing how a life threatening disease will impact you both negatively and positively.

I’m looking forward to doing things with the boys. I’m looking forward to establishing new routines and to the give and take of learning. Them learning how to behave in different situations and places; and me learning to read them and to know when and where to take them and at which times…..it’s a whole season of learning for everyone.

The shopping trip today would have been infinitely better if Judah would just stop screaming. He has this unbelievably ear piercing shriek and he kept screaming over and over and over. The people around us would put their fingers in their ears, I’m assuming to stop the ringing…..it’s that bad! And I’m not sure what to do? How do you tell a baby to stop screaming? My current method is to firmly tell him “no” and to gently cover his mouth to stop the screaming. I’m not interested in smacking or flicking and he doesn’t take a soother. He’s only 14 months old and……..? Yah? Anyone? Anything? He’s been doing it for a while but it has never bothered me before; but then I’ve spent the past year mostly at home and so, I didn’t really think anything of it.

I think he learned it from his older brothers. When they “disagree” on something….there tends to be a bit of shrieking; and while I can talk to Jeremy and Josiah, or put them on time out, or send them to their rooms…..it’s a little different for a baby, no?

So, what says you? Any advice on the shrieking? And what do you think about routines?

An Almost, Not Quite, Sort Of Normal Day

The baby is upstairs sleeping and seeing as he slept for a grand total of 10 minutes this morning as opposed to the hour he has been doing – I’m really REALLY hoping that he sleeps for a while….I’d love 2 hours to make up for the hour that he missed this morning, but even an hour would be AWESOME.

Josiah is quietly watching a movie while he snacks on his lunch.

Geli has actually gone to school. I was really nervous about that this morning, so I’ve done lots of praying for her. Her counts were just above the border of her being allowed to go to school and it’s so important that she believe that she “BELONGS” at school that we told her she needed to go. She is finally feeling better. The effects of the steroid have mostly worn off and aside from being tired because we’ve recently had a few too many late nights in a row…she’s doing pretty good.

My house is tidy and mostly clean, thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman.

I’m eating the MOST delicious oatmeal cookie and needing to write out a list of things that I absolutely MUST get done this week. That sounds all big and important, but really I need to write out a grocery list and a list of things that I can do to clean the house while holding the baby (in the sling)….ya know things like wiping the window sills or washing the windows, folding laundry….just easy stuff!

Okay back to those DELICIOUS cookies that I was talking about.

I had a craving for Oatmeal Cookies a while ago and while most Oats are “contaminated” (I dislike that word, it’s so “evil” sounding) with wheat, you can buy guaranteed gluten-free oats and so I did.

Oatmeal Cookies

I googled Gluten-Free Oatmeal Cookie Recipes and read through many MANY links and decided to go with this recipe. (If you read my last few posts, I google quite a bit, if you haven’t noticed. It’s how I come up with the “base” of most of my recipes and get patterns and most of my other useless information. HA!)

I used the All Purpose Gluten-Free Flour Mix from Gluten-free Girl and the Chef and then I started altering the recipe to suit me and my tastes. I only used 2 cups of old fashioned rolled oats and added in 1 cup of unsweetened coconut to make up the 3 cups. In place of the 1 cup of raisins, I substituted 1/2 a cup of cranberries and 1/2 a cup of these chocolate chips. I used Earth Balance Soy free Spread instead of the butter. I did use an egg because I put cranberries in them and that means and NO CHILD in my house will eat these because they have “raisin type food” in them. It was so very clever of me. I made the MOST DELICIOUS COOKIES and they are mine…..ALL MINE!

If my diet weren’t strict enough, I think that I’ve figured out which foods are bothering Judah and I believe……hopefully…..that he is now, actually, on a forward moving, positive trend. We’ve eliminated Gluten, Dairy and Soy….which basically leaves me with nothing left to eat. Okay, so that’s not true at all, but some days it feels like that and so I’ve consoled myself by having little treats like this around the house. I could totally make these cookies dairy, gluten, soy and egg free just by using Ener-G Egg Replacer, but for this batch, it wasn’t necessary – thanks to those pesky little cranberries. But, it’s worth giving up all those foods for my child’s health and if I’m being completely honest….I feel way better eating like this too. The soy is a bit difficult because I use it as flavor in my cooking and I LOVE miso soup, but I don’t believe that it will be gone forever….just until Judah is a bit healthier and his guts become a bit stronger.

Anyway, I made these one evening after the kids had all gone to bed and as soon as they came out of the oven, I tasted one and YUM!!!!! Then I sat down at the kitchen table and ate WAY TOO MANY. I dunked the warm cookies into a cold glass of Almond Milk! These are amazing and I’d serve these to anyone and they’d have no clue they were so altered.

These are not cookie substitutes….these are cookies…real, honest to goodness, chewy and crispy, delicious cookies.

If you have some food “issues”, these could be your next favorite cookie (if you like oatmeal cookies, that is) and if you don’t like raisins or cranberries…just increase the chocolate chips or the oatmeal or the coconut by half a cup.

Alright, I’m off to make my lists….

First Day of High School

First Day of Grade 8Angelica went to her first day of High School yesterday.

I have NEVER been as worried or nervous or consumed in regards to first days with ANY of my kids, as I was yesterday.

It was brutal.

We weren’t sure just how Geli would be feeling and how much of the day she’d be able to do. She had a vocal class first, then English 8, followed by a double block of Science 8 taught in French and then her actual French Language class.

We decided to start with the double block of Science. That gave her a start time of 10:40am. So her day looked like this, she had the first half of Science, lunch break, second half of Science and her French class.

She did really well. Met up with some of her friends and class mates from Alex Hope and all in all she had a really great day. She was even up for a little grocery shopping with me after school. We needed to pick up some lunch snack food. The activity of the day did take it’s toll, and she was in bed and sleeping by 8pm.

We are still working out the process of having her “in” school on the days that she can be and also having her be apart of the Homebound Education Program. Apparently it’s not typical in this school district to do both schooling and homebound….they like you to choose one or the other. We want her in both so that she gets the help and support while she cannot be at school, but also want her to be able to go to school “normally” when she can.

Geli and Jon went into BC Children’s today for the last dose of IV Chemo for this second stage. Depending on certain counts, she may or may not score a transfusion today as well. Well just have to wait and see.

If all goes as planned, she should be able to attend the rest of this week at school.

It is taking a great amount of effort to send her off to school knowing that there are sick kids, and germs and that we are not in control of her situation and choices….this is where faith and trust are so important. This is the first time that we or (my mom) have not been with her since we found out in June……..and,this is just another leg of this journey that we are walking…….we will get through it. One step at a time.

Beauty