Category: ME

Sad and Tired of it all

We’re going through some stuff right now and it’s been dragging on for a while now and as far as I can see there’s no end in sight.

I feel hurt and misunderstood and confused and upset and a little bit angry and I’m not even finished feeling all the feelings swirling around inside of me.

There is a small part of me that just wants to hide inside my house for the next however long and not come out and not talk to anyone and not have to deal with anyone beacause then I wouldn’t have to deal with anything and then maybe I could just ignore things for a while and feel at peace for a tiny bit of time.

I know it doens’t work like that, and I know that in the end….one day….many years from now (that’s meant to be funny – see “ha ha” trying to make light of the situation – is it working?) that we’ll look back on this and it won’t seem so overwhelming, but right now…right while it’s all in the thick of it, and I don’t know what to do or have anyone to talk to, it sucks?

You might wonder why I don’t have anyone to talk to, and I’ll try to explain….

See, I’m not going to talk about what’s going on.  I’m not going to say that there are sides or that anyone is right or wrong….all I’m willing to talk about is “How I feel….”  It is enough to say that we have come to a place where some decisions need to be made and it feels like regardless of what decison that we make….we are screwed.

I really can’t see the silver lining in any choice that we make, and I have no clue as to what the right choice is, or if there even is a right choice or if everything is a wrong choice and if we’re just trying to make the best wrong choice….how is that even possible…..

Well, it’s probably not the case – but it’s just how I’m feeling.

It feels like we’ve been left out in the desert to flail around in the hopes that we’ll find a path and that hopefully it’ll be the right one, and like I said….right now I’m finding it hard to even believe that there is a right one.

I just want to sit down and cry.  There are so many aspects and facets of this whole situation and it feels like an impossibility to ever be able to work through and come to conclusion on it all.

I hate that running away isn’t even an option….not that I really mean that, but that’s how I’m feeling…..I’m sad and tired of it all.

It hurts!

Tomorrow will be a better day, right?

4:21pm – Edited to Add

I really didn’t do a very god job of explaining all of this, and for that I apologize.

I’m not willing to talk about all of this because I only want to share what I’m feeling and not end up saying something that would ever end up hurting someone else or making it sound like someone is at fault….this is not an “at fault situation” it’s just something that needs to be processed and some decisions made. We are just wanting to make the best decisions possible and to be able to move forward with “things” being as clear and concise and relational as possible.

I talk about wanting to run away, and that might be what I feel when it starts to feel jumbled and overwhelming for me, but I know that’s not an option and I know that it wouldn’t help anything. It’s just what I feel like when it all starts to “get” to me.

The emotions that I shared about……… feeling hurt and misunderstood and angry….I’m also feeling a whole ton of other emotions, so many and they are swirling around so fast that I’m struggling to even name them all myself. It feels like I’m feeling one way, and then there is something else to process and then I add other feelings and then there is something else to process and then I’m feeling other things and it’s just one giant whirlwind.

I need to be able to be open with how I’m feeling, even if I’m feeling like I can’t just lay it all out there.

And so that’s the reason why I’m brain dumping right now….this won’t all go away tomorrow and I know that there’s a better than even chance that I’ll still be upset about this tomorrow, but for some reason…it’s hitting me really hard today and I can’t just blather on about baking soda shampoo or Jeremy or any of the other things in my life that I blather on and on about…Don’t stress, this has been going on for almost 3 months now and if I’ve seemed okay to you, that’s because I mostly am…..I will be okay – eventually…it’s just a bad day and one day it won’t be any more – Oh how I long for that day.….Aren’t we all entitled to a bad day from time to time?

Working Out My List

It’s funny, (or maybe it’s not, but it is to me) that as I keep thinking about the “Important” things, that the list keeps getting longer and longer.

I’ve not actually written anything down, as of yet, and some of these are much more inclusive than just the word, but I’m just going to start with some of the things that I’ve been thinking about.

Family

This means both my immediate family of 6 and my larger family as well.  I want to be available for my kids.  I will only ever have this time with them once.  And I want to make it count.  I want to be present, here and now.  not just at home when they come home from school, but off the computer, and actually paying attention to them.  I want to be able to help out with their homework and to teach them how to cook and bake and to do crafts with them.  I want to not be so tired from half assed doing other things that all I want to do is foist them off on the TV so that I can sit and veg. on the computer.  I want to grow in friendship and trust with them and to teach them how to communicate their feelings and wnats and desires and how to effectively communicate even the negative emotions. I want to have time to spend with my extended family.  I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandparents, and aunts and Uncles and Cousins and even their great grandparents and great aunts and uncles and second cousins.  Family is so important and I really want to have a sense of closeness in what is rapidly becoming such an “Island” world….I want to cultivate (as much as I can) the sense of “Village”.

Health

This is a huge one including Food, cleaning, Exercise, and a buch of other stuff as well.  I want to be able to cook good healthy food for my kids and I want to train them to love to put healthy stuff into their bodies.  I don’t want it to be a fad…I want it to be a lifestyle.  Not so stringent that they feel the need to stuff their faces every time Mom or Dad isn’t looking, but I want them to be able to make good choices for the long haul.  I also want to make the healthiest choices regarding cleaning supplies.  At this point, the decision that slightly been taking out of our hands just because ‘Siah seems to have a reaction to SLS and so that means that we have to find alternatives, but now, I use things like vinegar for all my windows and mirrors and I think it works WAAAAAAY better than Windex ever did.  And I like the fact that my floor cleaner residue won’t get all over ‘Siah as he’s crawling around.  i could go on and on about this, but I’ll spare you.  Also, included in this section is exercise.  I HAVE to make time to exercise.  I WANT to make time to exercise and so it will be done.  It just hasn’t been done, yet….soon, though…soon!

Jon

I want to clearly set aside time and effort to put into Jon and I’s relationship.  I want it to be deliberate.  I don’t want to find out 20 years down the road that we wished that we had put the time it…..I want to continue to build on this GREAT friendship that we have and to be an example to our kids for years to come.

Me

I want to have time planned for me to do things like the different crafts that I like to do.  Already since just trying to slow my life down, but not being entirely purposeful about it, I’ve crochetted or knitted two kimono style sweaters, three vests, a hat and I’ve started a few other pieces.  I made a bead necklace.  I’d like to paint some more and to do some more paper crafts as well.  I also want to set aside more time to find and make more healthy baking for my family.  I enjoy baking and to find stuff that we can all eat and that tastes delicious, that makes me happy and brings a sense of satisfaction.

None of this is in any particular order of importance and there are still more that I’m thinking about and even more to flesh out in each particular category, but it’s a start.  To know what I want helps me to see what I shouldn’t be doing. 

I think that I’ll be taking stock regularly of where I’m at and what’s important to me and why?  See, life changes and things move up and down the importance scale, and I’ve lived enough to know and recognize that just because this is where I’m at and these are the things that are important to me right now, that doesn’t mean that I get to go on autopilot like this for the rest of my life…..NO!  What was important to me in the months and years before I had Josiah changed when he came and when he turns 1 or 2 or 5 – it stands a good chance of changing again…in September it might all change or over the summer months or when Geli goes to middle school.  I think that any big life shift or change necessitates a peek inside as to what’s important to me “NOW”!  and how can I accomplish that and what needs to be re-evaluated and possibly let go of…for a time or forever…..

It’s about what’s important to you……..asking yourself “What is important to me?” and “How do I accomplish that?” 

If you want something enough, you will figure out a way to make it happen.

I want a slower, more simple life.

Green Smoothies, Poop and Blood….that just about covers it all

So, here is part of my breakfast this morning…

Green Smoothie
Yummy looking ain’t it?  Actually it was delicious.  It’s Peaches, Banana, and Spinach and just for fun, I threw in some Calcium powder. 

It really is quite green……see…..

Green
And, can you see my baby standing at the gate in the background….YUP…standing.  Can you believe it?  He pulled himself up there all by himself…he’s growing up too fast.  it happens doesn’t it.

Anyway, I read about smoothies, especially green smoothies over here, and she got it from over here. 

I’d also like to show you our latest treat/cookie/yummy goodness also via here from here…

May I present you with what we lovingly refer to as Gorilla Poop.

Gorilla Poop
It’s soooooo delicious.  Tastes like chocolate….like beautiful yummy dark chocolate.  MMMMmmmmm Good!

You can get the recipe at either of the links up there, but just to note, that I added the sesame seeds and flax seeds all by myself….’cause I’m all creative like that.  Adds extra crunch (and fiber).

Also,

Today I will be giving blood for the first time in WAY TOO LONG.  It must be since before I got pregnant with Nathaniel back in July 2004, and then with the almost constant getting pregnant and then getting un-pregnant and just not wanting to “give” anything but only reveling in my misery, I didn’t give blood once, even though I’m sure there was at least one opportunity to do so in there some where.

So, When Canadian Blood Services called to book my appt I said, “Sign me up, Baby!”

So, today at 2:05pm, I’m headed in to see if they’ll let me do my part to give back.  I really don’t think I’m anemic, and I’m healthy, so it should just be business as usual. 

I did an excellent job of doing nothing yesterday and I’m proud of myself for it.  Things get a little bit busier for this week, starting with today, but hopefully nothing that I can’t handle.

See, I’m wanting to pare back and just “do life” at a slower pace.  I don’t want to be so busy that I’m too tired for the things that are important to me.

So, I’ve already been thinking of the things that are important, but I’m going to be writing down some of the things that are really important to me and working towards those things.  I know that it means letting go of some of the things that are “cluttering” up my life…not even in a bad way.  Lots of the things I’m doing are good things, but they are not helping me to accomplish the things that I find “MOST IMPORTANT”, and at the end of it all I don’t want to look back and think, “Man, I did sort of a little bit of a lot of good things, but I was so tired and I never really did a “great” job of the things that I really wanted to” and so I’m re-prioritizing.

I’ll keep you updated on that list.

How about you?  What things are really important to you?  Do you have “stuff” cluttering up your life?  Unnecessary stuff that you could let slide in order to really and truly focus on the things that you want to focus on????  Want to do a list – your list – with me?

I’ll leave you with one of my most important things…..Jeremy.

Here he is talking to Jon about the airport and going on the plane and can you hear the inflection in his voice?….too cute.  Does he has a future in Television????  I obviously don’t have a future in video recording….it’s a little dark, but it’s just so darn cute….

Does it get any better or easier than this?????

I know I’m not even 6 months into this new baby thing and the fact that the early years with the other 3 kids is just a blur should tell me something, but I have such high hopes for myself and what I can or will accomplish and then…………

……it’s d

——————————————————————–

That was my post that I started on Thursday and then we had a power surge and the computer froze and I was certain I had lost the start of my entry and I was so discouraged about it all that I just walked away.  Does that say anything about my frame of mind these days.   I’m so frustrated that I’m not accomplishing anything….or I should rephrase that to say that I’m not accomplishing as much as I was (and am) capable of doing in my pre – 4 kid days.  Again, I wouldn’t give up ‘Siah for anything, but it continues to be an adjustment.  I do actually belive that you can be grateful for something and still whine or complain about how hard it is…….someone we know had a special needs child – it’s their only child and they love this child so much….dealing with him on a daily basis and I think it’s completely fair for the parents to say that they are tired or discouraged or really wish they didn’t have to deal with their situation….does that mean that they love their child any less….nope….I think that they have the right to say that something is difficult and not feel guilty for doing so…..

So, here I am…this is difficult….probably more so because I have “stuff to do”.   If all I was doing was just being a SAHM – cooking and cleaning and that kind of stuff, I might not feel like I was behind in my duties, but that not all I’m doing…I have two other part time jobs and there is “stuff” that I have to get done….BUT….

::singing at the top of my lungs::

……I’M LEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVING ON A JET PLANE….   ::end song::

I’m going to Toronto tomorrow.  We are leaving in the middle of the freakin’ night.  4:30am…YIKES!  So, I won’t be around.  I’m still trying to convince Jon to post in my absence….so stay tuned to see if and what “crap” he throws at you….

Well, I still have to pack and I have a headache……It’s unreal the amount of gear that is required to take the baby and to make our week long stay a happy one…..I really hope it’s a happy one…it will royally suck if it’s not happy……and not just for me, but for my girlfriend that I”m rooming with……

‘Siah  is an AWESOME baby, but we will be off schedule and not at home…..I do hope it’s all good…..of course I’ll keep ya updated when I come back and I’ll probably have loads of pics of Josiah’s first plane ride…..’cause I’m dorky like that….have a good one people.

What???? What was That???

Oh Yah!  I was supposed to talk about New Years Day and share those pics and videos or something like that….yaaaaaahhhhh!  That ain’t happening!

Man,  I was so excited, and had serious plans to upload all those pics, and then today totally got away from me.  Although in my defense….well, it’s a crapy defense, so I’m not even going to ry……  I did nothing today.  Nope, actually not true!  I stayed in my pyjamas and then did some admin work early this morning and then watched the Transformers  movie…..it was definately a “down” day for me.  Much needed after 2 weeks of “holidays” *snort* yah, holidays with 4 kids.. ha ha ha ha Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA – plop!  That was me laughing my head off, just in case you didn’t get it.

So, tomorrow is a busy day and I have a ton to accomplish…..one of those things being to upload all my freaking New Years Day Pictures.

You know, I’d give anything for an egg and toast…..I know that this is just kinda coming outta left field, but I really like eggs and toast, and with Josiah having a sensitivity or intolerance or allergy or whatever it is that he has…..I can’t have any, and I’d really like one……Not being able to have one has really messed up my mornings….I started out most mornings with a nice warm egg and toast…Boo Hoo!  Now, my dry toast is really rocking it out big time, ’cause my non-dairy margarine has soy in it, and I can’t have that either……I’m having a pity party right now….just be on your way…and I’ll be okay….seriously I will!

And It All Comes Crashing Down

So much for my “taking it easy….”

I think that today is making up for every bit of relaxing time I was trying to squish out of the past few days.

I have more things to try and accomplish than I possibly have time for, and now it’s just a matter of which ones are not going to get done.

I’d make a list here, but for some reason it helps for me to have it listed in pencil on a sheet of paper that I can carry around with me (I don’t need to refer to the paper once I’ve written it down, but for some reason it just helps me to write it down – it’s like it cements it in the ol’ sieve I call my brain these days steel vault…..I know, I know – a bit weird, but then I’ve never said thatI’m completely normal.

Speaking of which……do you have any little obsessive things that you do?  Like do you have to have the toilet paper coming over the top of the roll as opposed to just throwing it on there or * gasp * even worse putting it on so that the paper comes from under * oh the horror *  or how about lining up your cans inside your cupboard so that they all face out and stack up perfectly and equal distance from each other in nice neat little rows, or………folding your towels and having to place them in order from the biggest on the bottom to the smaller ones on the top of the pile…..or aranging your DVD’s in alphabetical order on the shelf  or lining up the library books that are stacked on the hall table to be returned in order from smallest to largest……..not that I’m admitting to any of this, you know, but someone out there might do stuff like this………….right??????

So, what do you do that makes you weird…, I mean quirky…, I mean special and unique?

So Long and Good Riddance

No, I don’t actually mean that.

I’m going to a Ladies Retreat this weekend.  Just me and 70 other women, and Josiah……..

And no House Cleaning or making meals or co-ordinating peace talks between the monsters masses….

I’m almost, sort of excited….except that I have to schlepp 50 kerbillion tons of diapers and clothes and blankets and everything else baby related with me…..that’s on top of all my stuff.

I’m actually taking a HUGE monster sized suitcase, just one, and it has ALL of our stuff it.

So, Bonus Points for me for thinking that even though it’s ENORMOUS…..I only have one bag, and one bag means WAY LESS trips back and forth from the van to the room.

See, I’ve got my thinking cap on.

Jon’s at home with the 3 older ones, and if you think about him laugh, and then think about me and cry, ’cause I’ll probably come home to what looks like a war ravaged excuse for a house…..although the kitchen should be clean ’cause Jon’s OCD takes over and he can’t make a meal or do ANYTHING if the kitchen is messy. 

The rest of the house can be blown apart, but if the kitchen’s clean he doesn’t even see anything else.

It actually works well for us ’cause I don’t mind the rest of the house, but I HATE CLEANING THE KITCHEN. 

We’re a good team, but……….

Babe, could you make the monsters House Cleaning Fairies clean the rest of the house before I come  home on SUNDAY AFTERNOON AROUND 3PM…..I’ll even call first to give you warning…..PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!

Escaping It All

So, I’ve shared that I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed with this “CRAZY” thing I call my life….so rather than actually sit down and “deal” with some of what what have I done….

Well, this is what I looked like yesterday morning…..

Long Hair
My Hair was long and curly and Loooooooooong……really long, and all one color.  I’ve not really done much with my hair over the past year or so….the last haircut I got was in February….since them I ‘ve just hacked into it myself, and well I got sick of it. Mostly because with Josiah all I do is put it up in a clip or ponytail, and well….that just sucks.I went to see my sister’s hairdresser because Debbie has absolutley ROCKED her haircuts for the past year or so…not that she didn’t always look good, but her hair dresser is the BOMB.

Diana at Prism in Langley…..she is amazing!  Go forth and find her…..seriously, you won’t be disappointed.  She did an amzing job.

 Here is what I look like now….

And the side view…..see the pretty colors….

And from the back……I love it….although I think I’m going to ask for it to be even a little shorter at the back next time.

Oh, and this is just an extra shot for no other reason than when I down loaded it off my camera I said, “WOW  I actually have cheekbones……..thanks to my Momma for those…..I don’t usually see them quite so clearly defined….maybe it’s the new hair cut that just really brings them out.

A HUGE SHOUT OUT to Diana.  I LOVE IT.  YOU ARE AMAZING.