Category: Judah

Day 11 – Bay St. Louis, Mississippi

Coming to Bay St Louis is a home-coming for Jon. He spent his childhood here before coming to Canada when he was 13. He was back in the South for a couple of weeks when he was 15 but other than a one day stop a couple of years ago, he hasn’t been back. So this is a special visit.

We were fortunate to have a gorgeous day lined up for us, with clear sunny skies and temps around 24 degrees. We woke up at 6am to catch the sunrise and was it ever stunning.

It was amazing how fast it rose up out of the horizon once it started.

Our RV pad is right behind this little beach area. The sand is white; the water is warm and it’s SO shallow. It’s a small piece of heaven.

Our trailer is behind Jon and Jude!

After the sunrise, Jon and Jude walked out a little further on the beachfront; and Siah and I headed back to the trailer.

I was still in my pyjamas wrapped in a blanket.

As the sun and the temperatures continued to climb, we made coffee and had some breakfast. Jon connected with a family friend who had some fishing gear so He and the boys popped over to grab them and I had some quiet time to set the trailer straight and enjoy my coffee.

Isn’t this a gorgeous place to base ourselves from for the next few days? Look at that sunshine. Look at that view.

The boys came back with the fishing gear, donuts and a pound of shrimp as bait; and Jon took them down to the water.

They tried a few different spots with no luck. Oh actually, Jude caught a 2 in wide crab!

I went down and joined them as they came closer back to our RV pad and found a whole bunch of blackberries already ripe and ready to eat.

We relaxed in the sun for a bit. FYI – When you wake up at 6am there is a whole lot more day to fill up.

And then we headed to Long Beach to have lunch at Steve’s Marina with Ron and Phyllis. Sadly we got NO photos of our time with them because we were too busy being loved on and talking. Jon was able to get some Gumbo and Blackened Red Fish. I had a Fried Shrimp Po Boy, Siah had a Cheese burger and Jude had Chicken Strips and fries. It was delicious and the time spent together was SO incredible. The boys started to get antsy to leave and so we reluctantly said good bye.

I lied. I took a picture of a pelican from the restaurant patio. We ate outside & it was windy.

We drove back to Bay St. Louis and through some of Jon’s old neighborhood. His childhood home is still there and is so cute.

The boys headed back down to the beach. Jude to try fishing again and Siah to swim.

When did my baby grow up? He was such a tiny little button and now he’s morphing into a man.

At dinner time, we headed over to Word of Faith Christian Fellowship to see the church that Jon’s dad started 44 years ago. It was fun to see some more of Jon’s history and where he grew up. The current pastors were long time family friends and we went out for a good Southern meal with them. Again, we got almost no pictures except I did grab a photo of Jon’s HUGE shrimp Po Boy.

It was so lovely to connect with Tyrone and Carol and have dinner and hear from their hearts. I can see why Jon loves these people so dearly. They are amazing, amazing people with incredible hearts. After dinner, we stopped by their house to get some crawfish to take with us. Jon was so excited about that and I was so surprised that both boys tried one. Siah said it was okay and I managed to get Jude’s reaction on video.

They gave us a dozen eggs straight out of the coop, showed us their property; and the best part of the night was that they had 3 big dogs who the boys loved on for about half an hour. Big highlight for them.

We headed back to the trailer exhausted but happy. It was a huge day that filled our hearts and our tummies. Jude had been awake since 2am and we barely got his bed made before he fell asleep still in his clothes.

Tomorrow we head into New Orleans and to Cafe Du Monde. It’s SO exciting!

Day 9 – Arkansas

It’s our last day in Arkansas before we move on with our trip and I’m determined to hold every moment with so much gratitude.

Dalton had the day off today which was awesome. He, Xani and Jon hopped in Xani’s Mini Cooper and ran out to pick up eggs, bacon and sausage for breakfast. I’m sure we could have planned better but it was just another moment to be together and remember.

Jon and Dalton were in charge of breakfast and they did a fabulous job. It was delicious! Complete with grits and Jimmy Dean sausage. To be honest, I did not eat the grits; but I heard someone say they were delicious.

After breakfast, we tidied up and the boys headed to the range. Xani and I stayed behind. I was tempted to go but the lure of some quiet time was too much for this introvert.

The boys had fun and I took a shower, did a little prep for tomorrows travel and Xani made snickerdoodles. I helped her roll the dough balls and then we sat in the sun for a bit. It was a such a lovely day just being with the people I love.

We had talked about possibly having seafood for dinner but by the time dinner rolled around we decided to go to Waffle House. The boys were so excited because it’s internet famous for always being open no matter what.

Having never been, I was expecting more of a family restaurant but it was more like a diner. We squished 6 of us into 4 person booth with 2, on chairs at the end.

Before we arrived, I had figured that I didn’t want waffles so I’d probably just get a salad or something light. But the menu has waffles and eggs and hashbrowns and grilled cheese and basically it’s carbs with a few proteins like eggs, bacon and sausage to balance it out.

Jude said the waffle were spectacular. 10 out of 10 and it got an “S” rating – which I understand to mean Superior – for both the food and the service.

It was late when we arrived and by 8:30 the waitress suggested we not stick around as they would be closing at 9pm. We said that we understood they were open 24 hours so why were they closing; and she said that the drive through would be open but they closed the indoor dining as this was the ghetto and we’d be likely to get mugged if we stuck around. It was a funny way to round out the day.

We went back home and Siah checked in on his school work, we packed a few things up and went to bed a bit earlier as we were planning to get on the road to Bay St Louis early.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving my sweet girl but knowing how well she is loved by this incredible family makes it easier.

We absolutely enjoyed every moment getting to know these guys. They are such good people with great hearts; authentic and real and we hope to be able to see them again soon. We are so thankful that you opened your home and hearts to us. We feel blessed to call you family.

Day 9 – Arkansas

It’s our last day in Arkansas before we move on with our trip and I’m determined to hold every moment with so much gratitude.

Dalton had the day off today which was awesome. He, Xani and Jon hopped in Xani’s Mini Cooper and ran out to pick up eggs, bacon and sausage for breakfast. I’m sure we could have planned better but it was just another moment to be together and remember.

Jon and Dalton were in charge of breakfast and they did a fabulous job. It was delicious! Complete with grits and Jimmy Dean sausage. To be honest, I did not eat the grits; but I heard someone say they were delicious.

After breakfast, we tidied up and the boys headed to the range. Xani and I stayed behind. I was tempted to go but the lure of some quiet time was too much for this introvert.

The boys had fun and I took a shower, did a little prep for tomorrows travel and Xani made snickerdoodles. I helped her roll the dough balls and then we sat in the sun for a bit. It was a such a lovely day just being with the people I love.

We had talked about possibly having seafood for dinner but by the time dinner rolled around we decided to go to Waffle House. The boys were so excited because it’s internet famous for always being open no matter what.

Having never been, I was expecting more of a family restaurant but it was more like a diner. We squished 6 of us into 4 person booth with 2, on chairs at the end.

Before we arrived, I had figured that I didn’t want waffles so I’d probably just get a salad or something light. But the menu has waffles and eggs and hashbrowns and grilled cheese and basically it’s carbs with a few proteins like eggs, bacon and sausage to balance it out.

Jude said the waffle were spectacular. 10 out of 10 and it got an “S” rating – which I understand to mean Superior – for both the food and the service.

It was late when we arrived and by 8:30 the waitress suggested we not stick around as they would be closing at 9pm. We said that we understood they were open 24 hours so why were they closing; and she said that the drive through would be open but they closed the indoor dining as this was the ghetto and we’d be likely to get mugged if we stuck around. It was a funny way to round out the day.

We went back home and Siah checked in on his school work, we packed a few things up and went to bed a bit earlier as we were planning to get on the road to Bay St Louis early.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving my sweet girl but knowing how well she is loved by this incredible family makes it easier.

We absolutely enjoyed every moment getting to know these guys. They are such good people with great hearts; authentic and real and we hope to be able to see them again soon. We are so thankful that you opened your home and hearts to us. We feel blessed to call you family.

First Official Week of School

Last week was a tough one as we had an extra bonus amount of work to “fit in” to our regularly busy schedule, with elections printing (Thanks Snap Election!)

Siah woke up with a cold on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and was SO DISAPPOINTED. When I asked Jude what we were going to start our school year with, I was pleasantly surprised to have him say he’d like to start with Algebra.

We did not do as much as I had planned in my fairy tale dream world of perfectionist homeschooling; but we did get some done and for a child with PDA, I figure that’s pretty freaking good. Considering that I was busy working 14 hour days all last week.

As this week starts, Siah is still home with a cough but on the mend. Xani’s covid test came back negative – as we breathe a sigh of relief and curse whatever virus has invaded our home.

Jude’s School Day Reporting

I stayed home, today, and we actually worked through some school work with hardly any fussing. We are still acclimating to “school” and are easing into things. We managed to hit Math, Reading and Comprehension, novel studies, PE and our Conflict Resolution and Peaceful Communication Course. All in all a good day.

With my Humanity Faltering….

We took a Mental Health Day, today!

Jude had climbed into bed with us, at some point last night. First thing this morning, He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, “I just can’t go today.”

Like I mentioned yesterday, we have a kids day camp this week. It’s fun. It’s amazing. It’s epic. It’s theme is “Power Up”. They do Fortnite dancing, and crafts and have snacks and an epic water day. It’s AWESOME!

And in the last two days, my kid has used up any and every bit of emotional and mental reserve.

So, I declared today a Mental Health Day and we did nothing taxing; and only things that we wanted to do.

I have pretty firm opinions on parenting. I don’t like to put up with any garbage or judgement from others. It makes me sick when I see children being treated as bad or devious or evil. I do understand that there are some children who have been so hurt that they need extraordinary help and support; but so many children are spoken to as if they aren’t real people.

Real people who have rights, deserve dignity and autonomy. Real people who deserve respect and kindness regardless of whether they are non-compliant, misbehaving or just young.

But for all of my opinions, I’m still human.

I grew up with old school thinking that disrespects children. Thinking that says that I’m the boss and if I’m just tougher or more authoritative or just force a child to do something that they will get over their issue. Their issue, that isn’t legitimate anyway. They’re probably just faking it, in the hopes of getting away with something.

I don’t believe that line of thinking for one second. And yet, within the stress and chaos and exhaustion of parenting high needs kids, there are times that my resolve falters. I question my moral compass. I question my parenting skills. I question my ability to know or think or believe anything.

In that space, I allow the worry, the questions and the self doubt to surround me, for a moment, before I shake them off. Those thoughts don’t fit on me. I can’t wear them with pride, courage or confidence

**********

I believe that children, innately, want to succeed and do well.

I believe that if a child is not succeeding and thriving; that is not because they are intentionally misbehaving. They are struggling.

I believe that children try to do their very best and if we feel that their best is some how “missing a mark” then we must step along side and support them, in ways that are meaningful to them.

I believe that behaviour is communication and as the adults, it’s our job to detect what they, the children, are struggling to put into words and to help them…..not judge, shame or criticize.

I believe that our children should run to us when faced with problems and not try to hide from us, out of shame and guilt. It’s our actions, words and reactions that reinforce those beliefs and actions.

So in this moment of humanity, when I question my ability to parent my child, to help him to be resilient, to help him find his strength and his voice, to help him find his way in this world knowing that he is valued and loved and capable…….I pause.

I remind myself of what I believe and why I believe it.

I remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay.

I remind myself that taking a Mental Health Day is a gift and not a punishment.

I remind myself that I’m teaching my children invaluable life lessons by honouring them, respecting them and teaching them to be in tune with their needs.

I remind myself that this season will not last forever.

With my humanity faltering, but my beliefs unwavering, I carry on; doing the best that I can, in this moment and knowing that it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay!

What Can You Recognize?

It’s Summer time and I have memories of VBS in the local churches in our community. I remember sweaty hot rooms and making macaroni art, singing songs and snacks! I remember memorizing verses for stars. I LOVED to win the stars. Not to compete against others but to see just how many I could get. Summer camps both short day camps and overnight camps were a highlight of my summers.

I just picked up my 9 year old from camp after he bolted. He just ran away.

Jude deals with Anxiety and Trauma from living with Siblings with Autism. Life can be very chaotic, unstable and uncertain.

He struggles with doing things that seem like they should be fun; normal “kid” things And as his parent, I feel like I’m constantly balancing accepting where he is at and encouraging him to stretch his wings. I’m constantly balancing his emotional and mental capabilities and trying to encourage growth without wearing him out completely.

As his parent, it’s exhausting. Either I’m doing activities with him (like Grade 3 or Summer Camp) which means that I don’t get anything else done. Or I’m trying to encourage him to participate, which often means I’m hanging around close by; still unable to take care of other responsibilities. Or we stay at home and avoid “outside activities” and I can usually get some of my responsibilities accomplished.

Sometimes, he needs the complete break so he can recharge……like an older rechargeable battery that can only hold so much charge and takes longer to absorb the charge. He wears out easier than typical kids and requires more time to recharge.

Going to a high energy camp with a LOT of kids is exhausting so why do we do it?

It gives him another opportunity to practise and grow and to see how much stronger he is compared to last year.

It’s also SO important to live in community. We were not created to be alone. And even though it may seem easier to do it alone, it’s not. Loneliness is soul crushing. We are built for love and acceptance and interaction.

So even though it’s hard and awkward and too often we feel judged by people who don’t understand or “get it”; we believe in the value of community and so we do our best to connect, in ways that are meaningful for us, and yet don’t overwhelm or wear down us down.

I held back tears when I picked my son up. Tears for how hard it is for him. Tears because I’m exhausted. Tears because of shame. Tears because of guilt.

I told him I was SO excited to see him. And we carry on with our day.

The next time you see a kid bolting, understand that there’s a good chance the child is panicking for some reason.

Realize that they need support, understanding and help.

Recognize that kids do well, when they can.

Recognize that behaviour is communication.

Recognize that when kids are in panic mode they are more likely to “act” than “speak” and it’s ups to us, as adults, to lend our calm and to not add chaos.

Recognize that you can be a part of the solution or you can add to the problem.

Recognize that the child and their parents, most likely, have limited emotional/mental/physical resources in reserve.

Recognize that you can be a life line in both the child’s and the parents life.

Recognize that Shame and Blame help NO ONE!

Recognize that “villages” and “community” are SO desperately needed.

Parenting PTSD, the Educational Version

I recently received an email that sent me into an absolute tailspin.

I’ve just realized that with all the info blacked out, this email could be for any one of them, because all 3 of my boys have the same initials. All 3 have IEP’s and “school teams”.

Do you see anything wrong or even remotely threatening or negative about this email?

Nope! Neither do I and I asked for a meeting. Regardless, as I lay in bed, my heart started to race and the thoughts in my head sped out of control.?

What if they are upset with my child?
What if they are upset with me?
What if they are going to tell me that it’s too much effort to support my child?
What if they chalk his issues up to bad parenting instead of trauma?
What if they judge me?
What if they are tired of trying?
What if they put it all back on me to solve and fix?

And the thoughts spiral out of control until I’m choking back the tears and barely holding myself together.?

{I know that these are “what if’s….” and I really don’t want to live in the world of “what if’s….” because….what if it all goes amazingly well? And really what does it matter if someone thinks poorly of my child. I know the truth. But truth doesn’t always vanquish the trauma…..at least not right away.}

This is Parenting PTSD, the Educational version.In the past, I’ve had administrators and teachers say those things about my child. I’ve heard those things said to me, said about my child, and said when it was presumed that I wasn’t listening. To hear those things, destroys a piece of your heart, mind and soul. It breaks your ability to trust, to really even hear at all, let alone with an open heart and soul.

It is devastating to hear that people feel your child is too difficult, too much effort, or just not worth the effort.

While I know that currently, we have people on our teams who actually care for my boys, that past wounding, that TRAUMA is still there. It’s runs deep and it excruciatingly painful.

As a parent of a child with extra needs, you are already soul crushingly weary but usually with no real option or opportunity to rest. You are almost always in fight or flight mode. If for some blessed reason you aren’t there, it only takes one second to be activated …..sometimes when it’s not even necessary.

I’m extra exhausted right now and pretty close to the edge of tears, most of the time.

I’m not alone in this, either. There are thousands of parents, with kids who have challenges, who feel traumatized from dealing with the people within the education system.

We are desperate for people to truly see our children for the wonders that they are. We are desperate for someone to share all the good and amazing things that they see about our children. We are desperate for people to look beyond the challenging behaviour, to see what our children are saying, to listen and really hear their hearts. To champion them into becoming all they they can be and even more.

We are desperate for people to see our children as human beings; and as valuable, worthy and important as the typical kids.

On our end, it takes the courage of showing up and being there even when you don’t know if it will make a difference or if you’ll get hurt again. It takes vulnerability to share your hurts, your ideas, your successes and your failures.

If you work within the education system, know that you have parents and children who are incredibly triggered right now.

show love,
show compassion,
show mercy,
show grace,
show acceptance.

Invest in relationship.
Foster communication.
Build trust.
Be Respectful.
Be a life line.

And the benefits will be innumerable.

But recognize that there is Trauma and it’s not going anywhere soon.

Be a part of the solution, not the problem.

Facing It Head On

I’m having a hard time settling down tonight.

We had an appointment today regarding one of our kids. This is not our first time having an appointment like this but I don’t think they get any easier.

As parents, we want to see the best in our kids. We talk to other parents about their achievements. A typical parent may brag about their child being on the honour roll or a sports club their child was invited to be a part of. They may share about the recognition their child received in Cadets or Guides.

Special needs parents want to share about the wonders of our children, too. But our pride may be in the fact that our child spoke at 8 years old, or learned to tie their shoe laces at 14, or shared a beloved and sacred item with a sibling. We are ecstatic (and often terrified) when they get invited to a birthday party or for a play date .

Would you even consider bragging that your child got invited to a birthday party or for a play date? It’s ok if that would never cross your mind, it just means that we function in different circles, on this great earth of ours.

Here’s something else that’s different…..

Parents of typical kids will probably never experience this situation, and if that is you, count yourself blessed. It’s a special kind of hell to go to an appointment and speak and share about all the ways your child is missing the mark. To spend a couple of hours talking “down” about your child. To fill in form, after form, after form, about all the things your child can’t do, and specifically doesn’t do, well.

You almost have to disassociate from yourself to do this. But you MUST do this, in order to get your child the supports they need.

So you do it, regardless of the fact that it goes against every parental instinct to cherish and protect. You dig out all the dirt and ugliness; and you lay it out there for all to see.

It’s hard because it’s not like you don’t know that there are things your child struggles with, but when you put it all together in one pile, at one time…..it’s overwhelming; and frankly, soul crushing.

That pile of crap in that picture up above……it’s all the stuff I swept out from under my couch. Some of it is garbage. Some of it is useful. Some is necessary. Some was misplaced.

It’s easier to know it’s there; but to only focus on what’s in front of you. If the room looks okay, then it’s good, right?

Its when you sweep it all out into the open that you are faced with a challenge. You can start sorting and do the work and effort that’s required to place things in order. You can throw it all out. Or You can sweep it back under.

You can’t throw “this situation” out or throw “this” away; and ignoring it doesn’t work out well for anyone. There really is only one appropriate option and that’s to put in the time and effort and to “sort things out”. As a parent of special needs children, those are two things that I have the smallest reserves of……time and energy!

But I will get up tomorrow and try to figure out what the next steps are because that is what you do when you love someone with all your heart and soul. When your goal is to help them succeed and be the very best “them” that they can be; you do whatever you can do.

If you have children with disabilities, you’re either nodding in agreement or horrified at what you may soon be asked to do.

If you don’t have children with disabilities, know that your friends, acquaintances, those parents……..they go through things that are tough. They do things that no parent ever wants to do; and they do it so they can afford their child the best in life. But those parents, they are tired. They are often overwhelmed. They may feel like they’ve betrayed the wonder and beauty of their child, in the name of “support”. The hardest part is that that there are no guarantees. You may not get the supports that are needed and then it feels like it was all for nothing; and that’s REALLY tough.

Parents of typical kids, I’m sharing so you can know…….so you can be aware…..so you can show compassion.

Not pity. Not ever pity.

But awareness, seeking to understand, and compassion are huge gifts that you can give us parents of kids with differences.

Take Aways…….

  • Be aware
  • Seek to understand
  • Have compassion
  • Be kind – Always Be kind!

Anxiety

Oh, my sweet boy!

It’s Friday morning and I’m sitting in the school office. I haven’t been here in a while which is something that I’m SO thankful for.

Last year, I spent the majority of the year in the school and a huge portion of it, sitting in the office.

Judah has had a tough time with separation anxiety. It started in Kindergarten. Grade 1 was harder and Grade 2 was even worse. We’ve done lots of counselling and emotional “work” and this year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs.

One thing that I’m SO very thankful for is that there have been more ups than downs this year.

I get discouraged because this has been such a long process, and if I’m being honest, I just want things to be normal……whatever that is.

But, things are getting better and this is the first time that I’ve sat here in the office, in a long time.

We’re all tired and ready for Spring Break and the down time.

But today, I’m SO thankful for the forward progress that we’ve made this school year.

What are you thankful for?

Beginnings & Ice Cream

Well, here we are, day 1 of this Gratitude Challenge.

I’d love it if you would either leave a comment, here or on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram…..however you found yourself here. Or even just leave a post on your own profiles, using the hashtag #marchtogratitude.

It’s going to be fun to see the posts on social media when you search, using the hashtag.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been a pretty negative person. For me, living a life of gratitude has been born out of my misery and complaining; and then my desire to not be a negative person. Usually, I will start complaining or moaning about something; and once I catch myself….then I look for something good in the situation.

For example, I hate mornings. That’s already been established. So when I came downstairs to start the morning “cat herding” this is what greeted me.

Cool Whip Container of Ice Cream

I could have got upset at my boys (that seems like a typical reaction to this scenario) but I’m constantly looking to “flip the script”.

My first thought was, “Ice Cream for breakfast, huh?!?”

My second thought was, “Take a picture of that, and send it to your sisters.”

Third thought was, “Well, Breakfast is taken care of.”

No upset, no anger, no disappointment. The bucket of ice cream is going to be gone sooner than I intended, but I wasn’t planning on having any so it really doesn’t affect me and when it’s gone…..it’s gone!

They got calories, dairy, and then they took all that sugar crazy to school. So, I’m good!

To wrap it up…….I’m grateful that my kids are independent enough to get their own breakfasts. I may need to talk a little more about appropriate food choices, but in the end, they ate with no complaining and I didn’t have to do anything. I got to drink my coffee that I was also SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR!

I’m calling it a win and moving forward with the day.

I’d love to hear what you’re thankful for today? Coffee? Sunshine? Family? A Job? What?