I’m Home

I Love Toronto!  It is cold, but it’s a dry cold and WAAAAAAAAAY nicer than our slop weather that we have here.

‘Siah did great during the whole week that we were gone. He is such  happy baby and such a little trouper.

Our flight there was…….eventful, and really……….. in a funny way.

I didn’t get to sleep on Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning) until after 1:30, and I had to be up at 3:30am to make sure that I was for sure ready to leave the house baby and all by 4:30am.  Nice, eh?

I vaguely remember thinking to myself…..Hmmmm, Josiah didn’t poop today – I really hope that’s not an issue tomorrow on the flight.


First of all, we were in a row of three seats and my friend and I were in the window seat and the middle seat…..and yes, they sat a poor lady in the aisle seat right next to us.  I felt so bad for her.  I knew I would have to get up to use the toilet and to change at least one diaper on the 4 hour non-stop flight.

I also knew that I’d have to feed him, and that he’d probably kick her (he’s really long) and that he might whine or cry at some point, and at the very least that he’d just talk…..and he “talks” really REALLY LOUD!

The airplane took off, and Josiah was nursing as we took off so that his ears would pop and because it was just time.  Just after the seatbelt sign went off, I smelt this funny (bad funny) smell, and figured that it was the baby across the aisle….there were 3 babies on this plane….but then Josiah let rip with a HUGE fart and started oozing ALL OVER THE PLACE.

He was in a disposable diaper, and I don’t use disposable diapers except for one overnight, and we had the most serious and unbelievable blowout ever in Josiah’s history.  I don’t have blowout’s with the cloth diapers, but this was an amazing blow out.

I had poop on Josiah’s clothes, and all over my lap, and all over his recieving blanket and his big cuddly fluffy blue blanket.  It was unbelievable….and I had to some how get new clothes and diapers and clean him up and myself up and needed to get out from the middle seat ….so, we did manage to get somewhat tidied, and made our wy back to our seat.  I had just got settled back in, and continued with nursing him, when……….he pooped all over again.  Fortunately, this one stayed inside the diaper like it was supposed to, but the lady in the aisle seat had just gone to sleep and I had to wake her up to crawl past her…..

By the time we made it to Toronto, all 3 of us, my friend, Josiah and I were covered in barf, and poo.

It was such an “experience!”

But, aside from the mess, Josiah was a happy baby, and our trip was great.

I’m still trying to catch up from the time difference as well as the late nights and early mornings…..so I’m tired, but it’s all good.  It’s good to be home, and back in our little (somewhat) routine and on our (so called) schedule.

I wasn’t here for the anniversary of Nathaniel’s birth/death, and we have yet to “do something” to remember him.  Maybe this coming up weekend…..I’ve not really sorted all my thoughts out about this.  I have so many different thoughts, some conflicting, on this whole thing.  Sometimes it’s just easier to not think about it……

But, I’m glad to be home….even if I did walk right back into what feels like a war zone, but that’s a story for another day.

an anniversary of sorts – guest post

today is Nathaniel’s third birthday.  Alexandra had to remind me at dinner time.  There is a lot going on: Patti is in Toronto at a conference, I am trying to run my business and take care of all the kid details at the same time…

This is exactly what I don’t want to happen, and yet I feel it is inevitable.  I had a son.  I held him.  I kissed him.  Right now as I type, I can vividly see him in the dimly lit hospital room.  I remember where I was sitting and how I held him.  I remember the feelings of confusion and not knowing what to do, and not knowing how long I should hold him, and how quickly I should let him go.  I wish I had held him longer!  What I don’t want to do is forget all this.

Now three quick years later, my 8 year old asked what we were doing for his birthday… (For the last two years, we have gotten helium balloons and written on them with permanent markers and said a few wishes and let them go.)  I want to be the father of 8… 4 living and 4 have moved on…

Life has a way of moving on and focusing on the present realities, or even on present opportunities, but makes light of past actualities.  Things have happened that have defined me, have become a part of me, have taught me all about compassion in a way I wish I were still ignorant it… but in the here and now, I (we) focus on what is in front of us, or what is currently required of us.

In the first year since Nathaniel, not a day went by that I did not think of him.  Now three years later on his birthday, I did not think of him once, until I was reminded.  I guess that is how life goes, but I don’t like it… HE IS MY SON!



I miss you.  I see three year olds, and I know you would have been taller.  Your brothers and sisters were all big for their age.  I miss knowing who you would have become.  I miss knowing how much like your mom you were and how much like me.  In so many ways I am glad I got to hold you; to kiss you.  I’ve fought in my mind to keep you present in my mind and in my heart, but I haven’t done as well as I would have liked.

You are my son!  Nothing can take that away!  No matter how long you lived, you are my son.  No matter how well behaved, you are my son.  No matter what you attained, no matter what mistakes, no matter how hard you tried or how little, you are my son.  There is nothing that you could do to become more of a son, and there is nothing you could have done to become less of a son.  And so you get what sons (and daughters) get… my love.  My sons and daughters get all the love I have, unconditionally!  I know that you can see me from where you are and I know that you know my thoughts.

I love you.  Happy birthday.

Does it get any better or easier than this?????

I know I’m not even 6 months into this new baby thing and the fact that the early years with the other 3 kids is just a blur should tell me something, but I have such high hopes for myself and what I can or will accomplish and then…………

……it’s d


That was my post that I started on Thursday and then we had a power surge and the computer froze and I was certain I had lost the start of my entry and I was so discouraged about it all that I just walked away.  Does that say anything about my frame of mind these days.   I’m so frustrated that I’m not accomplishing anything….or I should rephrase that to say that I’m not accomplishing as much as I was (and am) capable of doing in my pre – 4 kid days.  Again, I wouldn’t give up ‘Siah for anything, but it continues to be an adjustment.  I do actually belive that you can be grateful for something and still whine or complain about how hard it is…….someone we know had a special needs child – it’s their only child and they love this child so much….dealing with him on a daily basis and I think it’s completely fair for the parents to say that they are tired or discouraged or really wish they didn’t have to deal with their situation….does that mean that they love their child any less….nope….I think that they have the right to say that something is difficult and not feel guilty for doing so…..

So, here I am…this is difficult….probably more so because I have “stuff to do”.   If all I was doing was just being a SAHM – cooking and cleaning and that kind of stuff, I might not feel like I was behind in my duties, but that not all I’m doing…I have two other part time jobs and there is “stuff” that I have to get done….BUT….

::singing at the top of my lungs::


I’m going to Toronto tomorrow.  We are leaving in the middle of the freakin’ night.  4:30am…YIKES!  So, I won’t be around.  I’m still trying to convince Jon to post in my absence….so stay tuned to see if and what “crap” he throws at you….

Well, I still have to pack and I have a headache……It’s unreal the amount of gear that is required to take the baby and to make our week long stay a happy one…..I really hope it’s a happy one…it will royally suck if it’s not happy……and not just for me, but for my girlfriend that I”m rooming with……

‘Siah  is an AWESOME baby, but we will be off schedule and not at home…..I do hope it’s all good…..of course I’ll keep ya updated when I come back and I’ll probably have loads of pics of Josiah’s first plane ride…..’cause I’m dorky like that….have a good one people.

Just a sec….

Roof is okay..I haven’t left you….even though it looks like it.

One of my most favorite-st-est people in the whole entire world arranged for Jon and I to go away for the weekend……wait for it…..wait for it……..



Okay, we still had ‘Siah…but really he’s still tiny and is the most difficult easiest one to take care of.  She farmed the other 3 out to family and friends, and we had an entire 4 days to only take care of ourselves……it was absolutely heavenly and I’ll be back in a bit….or maybe tomorrow…..to catch you up on it all.

Are You Kidding Me?

So, I woke up this morning to a funny noise……..it kept happening almost rhythmically and sounding like one of the kids was upset with Jon and hiding in our room and flicking a cardboard box to try and get someone attention.

Well, I got the cardboard box part right……we have a leak.


It’s in the corner of our bedroom.  This is a picture taken at 8:22am.  When I woke up at 7 something it wasn’t quite this big of a wet spot.  YIKES!

The Landlord has been phoned and we’re just waiting to hear back from him.

Here’s an up close shot…….

‘Cause I know that you were just ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS, hoping for a blurry up close shot of my soggy ceiling.

I’m headed out to the Naturopath for a follow up visit for Josiah about all that nasty dairy allergy and skin stuff and all that crap…..

I’ll keep you posted…..

Honestly, I keep having visions of this and I want to scream,


And On and On and On it goes

one handed typing again….baby nursing…

it’s been a bit of a frustrating day.  siah’s been sleeping in 5 minute increments and it’s getting old.  he really really likes to be held and not so much with the putting down business.  i’ll nurse him.  he’ll fall asleep and then wake up the instant i try to lay him down. gaaaaaaaaaaawk!

soooooooooo annoying. 

new years pics are up – click through on the top menu bar……sorry no videos or story yet….it’s coming, maybe?

in good news…..siah was only awake for 20 minutes last night when jon got up with him. see, i’ve not been sleeping well cause the boy likes to have a boob in his mouth all freaking night long. – one handed typing makes it difficult to properly emote while i’m typing, so pretend that was all in caps with bold and periods in between each word….pretend i’m shouting it and flailing my hands wildly around….that would about capture it right…….anyway, jon’s been getting up with him so as to try and train him to sleep through the night without nursing…if i get up and rock him, he can smell me and well……then we’re in for screamfest 2008 – which none of us really want to deal with, so it took jon an hour on monday night, an hour and 40 minutes on tuesday night and… are you ready for it…….

20 minutes last night.

i know that some of you are thinking that being up for 20 minutes somewhere between 2-3am is insane, but’s better than monday night and waaaaaaaaay better than tuesday night and we’re hoping that by the end of the week, he’ll just sleep all the way through…….wouldn’t that be amazing? ::said with soft dreamy look on face::

anyway, he’s asleep now, and i’m gonna go and see if i can finally get this little dude down into his bed so i can have my arms to myself…..even just for half an hour would be nice.

oh, and guess what else…he started blowing raspberries today – too, too cute!

What???? What was That???

Oh Yah!  I was supposed to talk about New Years Day and share those pics and videos or something like that….yaaaaaahhhhh!  That ain’t happening!

Man,  I was so excited, and had serious plans to upload all those pics, and then today totally got away from me.  Although in my defense….well, it’s a crapy defense, so I’m not even going to ry……  I did nothing today.  Nope, actually not true!  I stayed in my pyjamas and then did some admin work early this morning and then watched the Transformers  movie…..it was definately a “down” day for me.  Much needed after 2 weeks of “holidays” *snort* yah, holidays with 4 kids.. ha ha ha ha Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA – plop!  That was me laughing my head off, just in case you didn’t get it.

So, tomorrow is a busy day and I have a ton to accomplish…..one of those things being to upload all my freaking New Years Day Pictures.

You know, I’d give anything for an egg and toast…..I know that this is just kinda coming outta left field, but I really like eggs and toast, and with Josiah having a sensitivity or intolerance or allergy or whatever it is that he has…..I can’t have any, and I’d really like one……Not being able to have one has really messed up my mornings….I started out most mornings with a nice warm egg and toast…Boo Hoo!  Now, my dry toast is really rocking it out big time, ’cause my non-dairy margarine has soy in it, and I can’t have that either……I’m having a pity party right now….just be on your way…and I’ll be okay….seriously I will!


Great Title, eh? 

Sounds like this should be a great inspiring post, full of all the wonders of 2007.  Maybe it might include some of the struggles and hardships that have been overcome or worked through…….NOPE!

I’m justnot feeling that deep this morning.

The kids are GONE! back in school, and my house is quiet, and except for the 4am fight that Jon and I had last night….all is well in my world.

I just realized that all I mention is when we fight….and well, it’s not as bad as it sounds. 

Please realize that we have a 5 month old who is not sleeping through the night, yet; so we are both over tired and on edge.  The fight last night was a stupid one.  Jon had got up to try to get the baby back to sleep (’cause if he smells me then he wants to nurse, and he really doesn’t need the middle of the night feeds anymore, so if he can learn to sleep through, then we’ll all be happier).  So, I was saying….Jon had gotten up at 3am to put the baby back to sleep, and by 4:15am – I couldn’t handle it any more. Jon was agitated, the baby was agitated, and I wasn’t sleeping anyway and I was agitated.  I just figured that an hour and 15 minutes was a good shot, and I’d nurse the baby and be done with it.  I know that’s just teaching him to wait it out, but with no one sleeping in our house, today and tonight should be fun times…wanna come over?

Anyway, Jon was annoyed and the Baby was crying and we were all tired, and some nasty things were said, and it was not a good time.  For some reason, after we had our little fight, the baby went to sleep and slept until almost 7am.

Middle of the night is not a good time to try and work anything out, so we both went to sleep, and now we still have to deal with the rubble of last night.  Not fun!

Moving on, ’cause that had nothing to do with what I originally planned to write out……ha ha HA HA HA!  That makes it sound like I had a plan when I sat down here in front of my computer.  There was no plan.  Which is why this ends up rambling……that’s something I want to stop doing.  I’m planning to have a plan…..see how tired I am….

Any way, I’ll just stop there and continue on down here.

We had a great Christmas holiday time, and you can check out the pics if you so desire.

Our Christmas Eve…….we found out that Taco Time is pretty simple and basic as ingredients if you are looking for a fast food.  Although the hard shells are corn, and some need to stay away from corn….but we were thrilled to find something that had no wheat, dairy or eggs in them….YAH!….oh, we skipped the cheese, and sour cream……that’s how they were “okay”.

I love this shot of me and ‘Siah……not cause it’s an okay shot of me, but mostly ’cause EVERY TIME he sees it, he stops whatever he is doing and smiles HUGE.

I also love this one of the 4 kids…….

…..to go to any of the “sets” just click on the pics, and it’ll take you there.

Then we had Christms morning with just the 6 of us, and it was so amazing. We usually have those mini cereal boxes, but we just bought 2 sugar cereals that we knew had no dairy in them…..but had WAY too much sugar in them.  The kids did pretty good considering they’ve been off sugar for a while now.

The presents part of Christmas was fun, as always.  My parents went overboard, and totally blessed the kids with stuff that they actually needed, and maybe a few things that they didn’t need.  I think the the highlight of Jeremy’s Christmas, though, was the stacking cups that he got.

He’s played those things non-stop since he got them…..everybody’s played those things non-stop since we got them.  I’ll post a video or two hopefully tomorrow.  It’s pretty funny to see grown men challenging each other over “those stupid cups”….even funnier to show them the links to the “pros” and to watch how fast they really can stack those things.  

Jon’s parents came over for the rest of the day.  We had so much fun playing games and eating dinner and opening presents and just spending some quiet time with each other.  It was a very nice Christmas with them.  But it was a little different ’cause ha;f of our fmaily is on the other side of the world…..missed you guys!

Then, on Boxing Day…..are you tired yet?  I know I was, and we’re not even done yet?…….my family got together at my sister’s house to celebrate Christmas.  We had another good time.  The kids all got the play together and the adults all got to play together, and we ate some good food, and well….it was just a lot of fun.  Too bad Xani couldn’t keep her eyes open…I guess the day just wiped her right out.

THEN………the next day, Jon and I headed back to Debbie and Denver’s house to meet up with these guys.  We had such a fun time.  We showed up around 6pm, and then we finally looked at the time, and it was midnight…..it’s true that time flies when you’re having fun.  I just wish they didn’t live so far away. 

We had the 28th off and on the 29th we headed to another friends house for a evening of fellowship, fun and FONDUE!  It was a blast, and there were so many of my old friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, BUT……I stupidly forgot my camera.  Oh well! 

The 30th was Jon’s birthday, and we had a big lunch time breakfast for him, and then we did NOTHING on the 31st, and then we had…….you’ll have to check back tomorrow to check out what we did on NEW YEARS DAY!  Mean, aren’t I?

Anyway,  I don’t really have any NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS, but if I did….and I don’t……I’d be working towards being 175 pounds…..that’s my first goal…I seem to be sitting right now between 178 and 181lbs. and I’d like to drop a few more instead of just sitting here stagnant.

AND……… I want to start posting more…..like every other day, for sure, I hope, I’d like or whatever……..

How was your holiday’s?

Oh the Perks!

There is nothing like nursing a baby with a runny nose.

First of all, there are the snot bubbles which grow and shrink as the baby valiently attempts to breathe and nurse at the same time.

Then there are the snot strings which streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch when the baby repeatedly latches and unlatches as they gasp for air in between sucks.  If you’re really bored, you can keep track of just how long they can stretch.

The best thing of all is going back to feed the next time and finding dried snot stuck to your boob and sticking it to your bra.

Good Times, people….Good Times!

You only WISH your Christmas morning was like mine!

Xan came into our room this morning FREAKED OUT.

The lovely people downstairs were having ANOTHER FREAKIN’ PARTY.  We have wonken up WAY TOO MANY times recently to the idiots down stairs talking and partying it up.  It’s woken Geli up a few times as her room is downstairs with only a thin wall seperating her room from their kitchen/living room.

I’m not exactly sure what the deal is….earlier this year a mom and dad and older teenage daughter moved in….over the summer the daughter and ALL her friends hung outside and smoked so much.  I spent most of the summerwith my back yard windows closed ’cause they smoke so often…..

Now that it’s winter time, I think they are smoking inside from time to time.  We’ve woken up a couple of times to the house reeking like smoke, and Jon’s even gone down and asked and they’ve sworn that they aren’t….but it smells nasty….not fun!

Liek I said, they’ve had a few parties recently, but this morning at 4am I’d had it…..they were so loud and ALL 3 of the older kids woke up and that really ticked me off.

My kids are amazing.  They don’t know yet that they are “supposed” to stay awake all night and wake up at 4am to open presents.  They have always gone to bed around 8pm on Christmas Eve and wake up around 6:30 – 7am and are not allowed to come out and get their stocking before 7am.  I’m so mean, but we typically have happy properly rested kids on Christmas Day, and I like it like that.

So, The last time they were super lound Jon had gone down, but there were some HUGE dudes and they were pissed out of their minds drunk.  They offered to share with Jon and one guy even passed Jon his cup (sweet guy), and then when Jon passed it up – he took it back and polished it off.  They did quiet down and left pretty quickly, but it was sounding pretty wild this morning, and who knew what Jon would be walking in to…….so……….

I thomped on the floor…..and thomped and thomped and thomped and thomped.  Yah!  I was mad…chicken, but mad….it got really quiet for about 2 minutes and then they all moved outside the back door and resumed.  The basement suite doorway is right under Jeremy’s room, and’s poorly insulated and sounded like they were in the room with us…..so I thomped some more…..after another 15 minutes of one and off thomping – Id had it. I threw on a housecoat went out on my back deck and started yelling.  The whole neighborhood could probably hear me, but I really didn’t care.  They tried to shush me, but I told them to take off or I’d be calling the cops.

Long story short – They didn’t leabe or shut up and so Jon lodged a complaint with the police dept and they said they’d send a cruiser by, but in the next 5 minutes they were out on the front lawn for the whole cul-de-sac to enjoy their drunken roudiness, and one old guy came out in his security jacket to check it all out ’cause they started fighting.

So, we called the cops back and they said they’d be over right away.

15 minutes later the cops showed up just as the guys were climbing into their SUV.  They pulled them out searched them, and then checked out the suite and we could hear them asking about pot and they said that they could smell it in the suite….so much fun……so finally a taxi minivan rolled up and carted the lot of them off and two of them who were obviously not too drunk to drive drove off in the SUV, and then the cops left and it was over…….

Except I was a awake and so were the kids.  I told them to get back in bed and to go to sleep until after 7am, AND THRY DID.

But I didn’t….I was so wired and I laid there in my bed and laid there and laid there…so ridiculous.  I finally went to sleep, and then REALLY didn’t want to get up at 7am when the kids woke up to get their stockings.  Jon got up take pics, and I slept until 7:30pm.

I’m tired, and will hopefully get to go to bed soon. 

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas Day.  Ours has been wonderful even if it started off a little “eventful”.  I’m really hoping that tonight is less eventful.