Today is a bit of a better day, although I’m still feeling like I’m too close to the egde of losing it.
Yesterday was an “all day wear my sunglasses” day.Â While that in and of it’s self is not entirely abnormal for me to do….yesterday it was a serious coping mechanism.
I did spend a big part of the day trying desperatly not to cry, and then grateful for my glasses that gave me at least the feeling of it not being so noticable.
I’m just too close to the end, and the pressure of the past couple of years has caught up, and I just want to hold this baby in my arms, and not in my stomach.Â It doesn’t help that Jon is stressing in his own way about wanting the baby out as well.Â I feel like I have so much pressure on me, and yet I feel so out of control…….ahhh…there it is again….my old friend and enemy….CONTROL…..I hate you too!
There is nothing that I can do but wait, except maybe to all my Drs. office, and fall apart…but I have too much pride to do that….
Seriously, I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but getting pretty close.
The whole story is not there, for each one, and in some it just references what’s happened over the past couple of years.Â Long story short….I had Angelica in 1997, Alexandra in 1998, and Jeremy in 2000.Â Then I had 4 consecutive losses starting at 25 weeks pregnant, 16 weeks pregnant, 12 weeks pregnant, and 5 weeks pregnant.Â Not fun!Â Not fun at all!
So, this pregnancy has been a little bit stressful…….okay a whole lot stressful, and I don’t feel really safe, even yet.
Moving on from that little bit of background…..
So, here I am with 9 days left to go until my Due Date, and well……I’m here.Â I’m bored.Â I’m stressed.Â I don’t feel like doing anything.Â No amount of praying and walking and squats and anything else I’ve tried has worked.
I know, in my head, that this baby will come eventually, but I want him NOW!
I even know that 9 days is not a super long time.Â It feels like it looking at it from right here, but I know it’s not.
It could be because I’m healthier than I’ve ever been that I’m not having this baby early, but really – that’s not making me feel any better.
I don’t know if you can tell because I’m doing a whole lot of whining, but I really am doing better today.Â I’m typing and not crying…..first way that you can tell that I’m doing better.
Well, once again, I have NOTHING planned for today, and it’s too freaking hot to be out walking in the sunshine in the middle of the day.
Weird thoughts and ponderings…..I am wondering about the size of this baby.Â I’ve had pretty big babies considering how early they were, and I’m not sure if that had something to do with how much weight I gained or if I just have ginormous babies.Â If it had to do with how much I gained, and the crap I ate, then this baby still has a chance at being a normal size.Â If I just have HUGE babies, then this one should be a monster ’cause the last two were over 8 pounds at 4 and 3 weeks early….just over, but still over……
Also, if you’ve noticed that I seem to just be rotating my pictures that I’m putting up every day…..well…I must explain.Â It’s pretty hot out here in the Valley (mid 20’s to low 30’s), and I have two tank tops, and two pairs of capris.Â So, I wash and rotate and wear pretty much the same thing every day right now.Â (I’m too close to the end to want toÂ spend any money on anything new……mind you I could go out and look for some tank tops to wear after the baby is born….I need some that aren’t spaghetti straps to cover the freakin’ hugeÂ straps of the nursing bra’s….might do that today if I feel up to it….but I might just do nothing……my life is so much fun!)Â I am actually taking a picture every morning of me….well, Jon is, and so what you are getting is the real deal, and not some recycled picture from a few days ago.
Gotta go, Xan wants to play a ard game with me……hope you have a great day.Â Talk to you tomorrow!