21 Days to go…..

I am officially 37 weeks pregnant, and that means that officially I would be classified as FULL TERM.

So, this baby could come at any point, and I’d be quite happy about that.

I spent a lot of today walking around, hoping that something would kick in, but I don’t think anything has really “kicked in”.

This won’t be super-duper fabulous long post with lots of fun details, but I do want to say that as far as the baby pool goes……I will go by date to announce the winner.

The person closest to the date without going over wins the prize.  So, if you guess the 25th, and the baby is born on the 26th, then whoever guessed the 26th or 27th or 28th or 31st or whatever the next date is…..wins the prize.

Make sense???  I hope so.

If you have a guess, leave it, and I’ll put it up.

Talk to you soon.

Maybe, I’ll be able to get a picture posted tomorrow.  I don’t think anything has changed, and they do say that you don’t really even drop with subsequent pregnancies until you’re in labour….so we’ll see.

22 Days to go…..

Like my title…..I’m so original.

Get used to it, ’cause unless something happens, that’ll probably be it until I have this baby.

So, I had my doctor’s appointment this morning, and guess what?

I lost 3 pounds.  I now weigh 202, instead of 205.  I would say that has a lot to do with how puffy I am or am not.  I guess the Dr. was right when he said it was water retention due to the heat.  It’s been a really nice week heat-wise, as you can tell if you notice that I’m wearing a light sweater in the picture from yesterday.  And I’ve been so much les puffy this week, even inspite of me going for a 2 hour walk yesterday.

Well, for the run down on how things are going.  He’s sending me in to have Non-Stress Tests starting today, and then going twice a week…..not because he thinks anything is wrong, but because I told him aboutmy friends stillbirth, and he wants to monitor me just to make me feel better.  I know I’ve complained about him saying things that didn’t really apply to me, but overall, I know that he actually does care, and wants me to be happy.  Isn’t that nice?  It’ll almost be sad when I have the baby, and then have no reason to see him anymore……almost…’cause I’ll have my baby, and be busy dealing with all the fun that brings.

So, a non-stress test at 3:00pm today, and I’ve been having wicked headaches ALL WEEK, but my blood pressure was fabulous, as it always has been, and so he’s not worried about pre-ecclampsia.  I wasn’t really either, but the headaches are a nightmare.  I used to have TONS of headaches, and since going to the Naturopath – have had hardly any…so this week has not been fun. 

So, he also did an ultrasound to check on the baby’s position, and to check out the fluid amount.  Fluid level is good, and the position looks good too.  He showed me the baby’s lungs moving in “practise breathing” movements, and said that basically this baby is ready to come whenever.

He also suggested that because all signs look good, that he do a membrane sweep.  He said that this could bring on labour by irritating the uterus, or it could do nothing, but that we could continue to do it at each appointment if it didn’t work this time.  While he was digging around, he mentioned that my cervix was definately ready to go, and that I was already about 3 cm dilated.

So, I’m really hoping sooner rather than later……..

See, like I said yesterday, my news is both fabulous and exciting….  I know that after reading this that you are feeling both fabulous and excited.

Well, I’m off to attempt to tidy the house, hopefully get a walk in, and then to the NST, and then to a friends house for his birthday party. 

Talk to you soon!

23 Days to Go……

23 days to goAlright!  I know it’s not an official 37 week picture, but I’m bored, so deal with it.

Here I am with 23 days until my estimated Due Date.  August 11th…..UGH!  That seems like such a long ways away, and yet I know that 23 days is not a long time, and truthfully….I should have this baby before then…..please, God, please!

Actually, I mentioned that I’d had my other 3 kids one week early, three weeks early, and 2 weeks early, and while that was true if you go by the dates I had given the Doctors……the thing that I didn’t take into account, and that no one asked was if I had a regular 28 day cycle.  This is kinda more information than some of you probably care to know or will really understand, but my cycles are actually 35 days.  I have a whole extra week, and so technically my due dates should have been a week futher along than they actually were.  That would also explain why the doctors repeatedly told me that my babies were measuring about a week behind what they should have been……weird, eh?

That actually means that my kids were 2 weeks early, 4 weeks early, and 3 weeks early.  And that totally explains Xandra and all of her “issues” ‘caus in reality she was a preemie.  Not a terribly early preemie, but a preemie none the less.  And that’s what my eye doctor asked one time ’cause she has the eye problems that they usually associate with a premature baby.  Interesting, eh?

Edited to add:

This pregnancy was dated absolutely correctly because I know both the date that I ovulated, and the date that we got a little busy…….(sorry for the TMI)…….and it was calculated based on a 35 day cycle.  So, don’t be thinking that I’m actually a week behind where I should be.  This one has been measuring SPOT ON, and August the 11th is the EDD.

Any way, I’m not feeling anything……..NOTHING!  And it sucks!  I just want this show on the road.  I want to be holding my baby.  I’m not having (that I know of) any real contractions or even Braxton Hicks or anything.  Mind you, I have this really cool thing where I can’t tell if I’m in labour or not ’cause I don’t actually feel pain up until close to the end..  Stone me if you must, but the last 7 pregnancies that I’ve had have more than made up for any easy deliveries that I’ve had.

So, unless I actually have my hand on my stomach to feel the hardening….I can’t really tell as it doesn’t hurt.  Nice, eh?  But I haven’t felt any of that, and believe me, I’ve been paying attention.  When you’ve been wanting a baby for over 3 years, and you’re this close to having it happen……….believe me…you pay attention.

I’m pretty much ready to go.  I have the packable part of my bag done….everything except for the things I use daily like my toothbrush and make up.  Sucks to be waiting…..

Geli and J and I walked to the House of James today, and then to Superstore to do the grocery shopping.  I’m tired, because I’m not sleeping well, but if walking “might” possibly help to get things going or at the very least to just get my bones and ligaments ready – I’m willing to walk forever.  Now I’m tired, and my feet hurt.  More with all the fun-ness…

Front View - 23 days to goWell, my Grandma is making dinner for us tonight, and that is SOOOOO nice to not have to think about it, or to add to the mess that should be called my kitchen.  She’s also taken each of the kids over night for one night.  She is so sweet, and I love her dearly. 

So, I’m off to waste another hour and then we start our evening festivities.

Oh, this is a picture of me from the front.  I think it’s funny that I look more fat than pregnant from the front view.  Not that I really want to look fat, but I found some pictures from when I wasn’t even pregnant, and I look larger and weigh more than I do right now.

I’m still looking for some really good bad pictures of me from when I was pregnant with any of the other 3. 

Seriously!  You could have just set me swimming in the beluga whale exhibit, and no one would have known the difference.

I’m really hoping that I can bouce back into shape realtively easy after giving birth this time.  Or maybe if that’s too much to ask, that just the fact that I’m not 500 pounds before giving birth might help – somehow - me with being able to lose some?!?….any?!?!?…….weight after I give birth.

Oh well!  I have a Doctor’s Appointment tomorrow, and I’ll update you on the fabulous and exciting things that he says.  I’m sure they’ll be both fabulous and exciting!

26 Days to go…..

Well, I’ve managed to balloon my feet and legs (up to my calves) back to epic proportions.  I spent the whole day on Sunday on my butt and with my feet up, and by this morning they looked almost normal again.

I really needed to get somet stuff done around the house today, and so I’ve been on them most of today.  I’ve also been wearing pants, and so I’ve not really been watching them.  Apparently they’ve puffed up without feeling too terribly puffy – that’s a good thing and a bad thing.  Good ’cause they don’t hurt like they did on Saturday night, but bad ’cause I didn’t even feel how puffy they actually are.

Oh well, I’ll probably just sit around the rest of tonight, and then spend a bit of tomorrow on my butt as well.

It’s kinda like a not so fun game……let’s see if we can keep Patti’s feet from sweeling up so bad that they pop…..it’s not a very fun game at all.

So, I’ve had only two guesses about when my baby might come, and so right now either of those two people stand a better than likely chance that they’ll be correct.  I know that I have more people than just two who read here, so COME ON……just guess….who knows…you might even win a prize.

I’m thinking about getting a gift certificate to either somewhere local – depending on who wins, or even to some place like Amazon.com or some other on-line store,,,if it’s someone from the States…or maybe even Corsica????  Hint, Hint!!!!!

I am almost ready for this baby to come, and really if he came right now – I’d survive everything exept for if he had to stay in the hospital…then I’d survive but I’d freak out. 

I think because I’ve been so busy today – I’ve had a butt load of Braxton Hicks, but nothing that is able to be timed or getting any closer or stronger, and really they are just more annoying than any thing.

I did finish the baby blanket that I was crocheting.  I’m glad, although it’s too hot to be using it on the baby anyway.

Well, that’s my update for today.  Not very exciting, but it is was it is….my day was not very exciting today.  Mostly just a day filled with getting stuff done…and not even exciting stuff….just boring mundane stuff.

How was your day?  Drop me a note in the comments and leave a guess if you haven’t already. 

He’s a Confident Little Chap……

Jeremy is the youngest child in our house…..at this exact moment.

AND…..he has two older sisters.  This means that we have butt loads of girl stuff around the house.  Barbies, and dress up clothes, pink bikes, girl books, girl coloring pages, pink boots………this is only just a bit of the girl stuff that we have laying around.

This is not saying that we don’t have boy stuff also, just not quite as much, and sometimes when money is tight, we don’t always buy an item, if we have a suitable alternative – even if it’s girlie.

For exmple, we have a bike that is the perfect size for Jeremy….well, he’s getting too big for it now, but it was perfect for him, and the only problem with it was that it was pink.  Aside from that, it was the perfect size, and in perfect condition.  Soooooo, rather than just buying another bike just because it needed to be the “right” color – Jeremy has been rockin’ out the pink bike for about a year.

We did get smart, and started buying the girls some stuff that could be handed down.  For example, Xan’s current bike, that we will probably hand down to J and get her a new one, is red.  A perfectly gender neutral bike…..not only in color, but also in style.  We’re learning.

Disco King in His Altered Shiney Pant SuitHaving said that, Jeremy really doesn’t seem to care what other’s think of him.  Sometimes this worries me – that whole social concept thing that he seems to be missing or sturggling with – and sometimes I’m thrilled that he’s not going to live him life under the same fear of pleasing man that I did.  This is a little boy is who quite happy to play legos and Barbies, and to dress up in the girl’s dress up clothes and pretend to  be a disco dancer.  He is also equally happy to be grubbing in the mud, and playing war games and wrestling with Jon or pretty much anyone who will have  a shot at him.

 He finds his own unique way to live life.

Jeremy’s just recently decided to roller blade.  My dad gave him some roller blades a couple of years ago, and although Jeremy was keen to try them…….it was hard to convince him to wear them any where but the carpet and the grass.  The cement was WAY TOO SCAREY, ’cause he’d slip and fall down.

For some reason, he just put the roller blades on a couple of weeks ago, and started skating all over the place.  He’s not Olympic team material or anything, but he can rock out the pink helmet like it’s no body’s business.

Officially 36 Weeks Pregnant and the Baby Pool

Here I am…..one more week into this journey.  It’s hard to believe that I will be holding my baby within the next 4 weeks.

YAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

I am so excited, and a little bit nervous. 

How are we going to handle having a brand new baby around the house, AND dealing with 3 older kids at the same time.  It’s going to be an experience, that’s for sure.

I  have started to swell.  Well, that’s not entirely the best description of it.  My feet are HUGE…..and so sore.  I woke up this morning and it hurt to walk on them, they were so sore….AND….I have no ankles.  It sucks!  I don’t ever remember swelling this badly with any of the other kids, but this is my first time being at the end of a pregnancy in July…in the heat…..it’s lovely – really it is!

Oh well!  Hopefully, it’s not for much longer.  I don’t want the baby to come before next weekend, but any time after that would be okay for me.

I did have my 36 week appointment on Friday, and have booked my last couple of appointments with the OB.  We’re down to weekly visits and that’s so cool.

My bood pressure was perfect, and I had gained a few pounds more than I was really happy about.  Dr. Shone was so nice, and said that it was all that fluid I was retaining.  HA!  Yah right!  I only hope that’s what it is, and not just a whole bunch of fat sitting on my rear end.  I officially weigh 205 pounds, and I really wanted to end this pregnancy under 200, but seeing as that’s not going to happen, now I just want to stay under 210.  Not that I WANT to gain 5 pounds in the next couple of weeks, but let’s be realistic.  I doubt that I’m going to gain NOTHING, so I’ll be a bit more than 205, but hopefully not much.

He asked me about the time frame that I delivered my other children in.  It was kind of nice to be able to say 1 week (Angelica), 3 weeks (Alexandra), and 2 weeks (Jeremy) EARLY!  I do hope this one comes early, but hahving said that, please don’t be offended if I don’t respond if you pose that fabulous question that every pregnant woman dreads…..”Haven’t you had that baby, yet?“  Believe me, you all will be among the first to know.  I’ll let you know when I go in (barring an emergency – which I’m not expecting)  and I’ll let you know just as absolutely as soon as I can…………sooner, if possible.

This all nicely leads up to a fun little contest that I’m going to be holding.  I’m still working on a prize, but come on……isn’t the contest just fun, too?  What was that?  You want a prize…….ya, I figured as much!  Jon said to just send out a picture of the baby, but seriously – if ya really want one of those, you can just rip one off of either here or flickr ’cause I’m sure I’ll be posting WAY TOO MANY, and at that point, we’re just going to change the name of this blog to “Patti had a baby and here he is!” 

So, like I said, I’m working on a prize or maybe even two, and as soon as I come up with the PERFECT prize, I’ll let you know what it is.  Until then, if you’d like to play along, send me an e-mail to patti@xangelle.com with your guess of date, time and weight (if you want to), and I’ll post them up in the side bar.

Just so you can make an informed guess, I’ve had 3 full term pregnancies, and the stats go like this….

Geli was born 1 week early and weighed 7 pounds and 14 ounces.

Xandra was born 3 weeks early and weighed 8 pounds and 3 ounces.

Jeremy was born 2 weeks early and weighed 8 pounds and 8 ounces.

So, if you want to play along, send me your guess and we’ll both hope that you win….unless you guess something ridiculous like 2 weeks late, and 10 pounds and 14 ounces, and then I’ll be praying that you lose…..’cause that’s just mean and nasty.

I’ll be waiting for your e-mail.

30 DAYS LEFT

Wow!  It seems like it shouldbe a big deal…..or a big day…….or something…..

I only have 30 days left.  That’s one month!  As of Saturday I will be 36 weeks pregnant.  It’s almost hard to believe that I’m so close, and yet – I think there is still a part of me that is unbelieveing that it’s actually this close to happening.

I had my last Naturopath/midwife appointment on Tuesday.  She is going on vacation, and hopefully I will have had my baby before she gets back.  I wasn’t seeing her in official midwifery capacity, but she has been unbelievably amazing.  I actually had a bit of spotting on Tuesday morning, and she checked everything out, and everything is okay, and in her official opinion I won’t have this baby too early. 

As much as there is a part of me racing and rushing to get to the finish line – I don’t want this baby born before it’s all okay.  Yes, the baby would live if born now, and would suffer no long term health issues, but I might not get to take him home the next day.  While that might not seem like a big deal….I’m  not leaving the hospital this time without my baby.  I don’t care if I have to sit in a chair in the hall.  I don’t want to have to walk out of that hospital empty handed again.  It was too hard the first time, and I don’t want to do it again for any reason.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the Obstetrician, and then I start in on my weekly appointments.  Wow!  It’s getting so close, and I’m getting so excited.  I am trying to wrap things up this week, so I can just relax, and take it easy the last couple of weeks.  I may still need to wrap the last few things next week, but then….hopefully then….I’ll be ready…..REALLY READY!

I will never ever again be pregnant with this little one, and I want to enjoy and cherish every moment that I do have with him sstill inside of me.  Soon enough he’ll be here, and then life changes……for the better…but also for the tireder and for the busier and…….

Well, I’ve spent the day today cleaning the house, and I have to finish getting ready to head in to see Chris tomorrow.  Jon’s parents are going to take the kids overnight, and so we are going to be able to get a few more things crossed off the “to do” list, and in a whole lot less time than if we had the kids asking for us to buy everything single thing their little eyes set on.  So, it will be a busy weekend, and not terribly relaxing, but that’s okay if I can just get everything done that I need…and want to.

12 Years Ago……Today

Jon and I got married 12 years ago today.

I’m a little late in getting this post up….as in…..the day is almost over, but hey – better late than never, eh?  And…..well…….I contemplated putting this up tomorrow, but figured that if I could at least get it up today, then all the congratulations and money that we’d get would be worth the little bit extra effort of my part….ha ha ha ha!  I’m not expecting any congratulations, but the money would be nice……..

Okay, being serious now…..I’m going to have to find a whole lot more to say ’cause I have a TON of pictures that I wanted to show you.

I may just send you to my flickr page to take a look at the pics that I uploaded as opposed to dragging this out into a super freakin’ long post of me just rambling on and on and on….how am I doing, so far…..

See, I’ve just made it to the end of one picture.  I’m doing good! 

Seriously though, we were so young, and don’t ask me what I was thinking, ’cause Jon looks like a baby…….

I was a cradle robber….well, I guess I was technically younger than him (so he was the cradle robber), but I don’t look like I’m 14 years old.

We got married at 19 years old and 20 years old.  I look at some teenagers now, and can’t believe that we got married at the same age that some of them are now.  I can’t believe that our parents let us….were we that bad that they wanted us out of the house, and were willing to marry us off to accomplish that goal?  I can’t imagine marrying Geli off to someone Jon’s age when she was my age…..It seems ridiculous, and yet we did it.

I think that the fact that we were friends for almost 6 years before we got married has played significantly into how we’ve managed to make it through the past 12 years without killing each other.  We knew quite a bit about each other, and weren’t walking into this thing called “marriage” with our eyes blinded by love or lust or whatever you want to call it.

We’ve had our hard times – in fact years 5-7 were not so happy or easy or whatever.  I know that a lot of people struggle through the first couple of years, but I think because we were friends first, that we were able to make it all the way to year 5 without too many “issues”. 

At that point, the combination of unforgiveness, selfishness, 3 kids, financial stresses, lack of quality communication, and a bunch of other things made our lives not pleasant.  I’m not trying to be a downer, but this is reality.  Marriage is work, and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to be slapped.  It’s not a fairy tale.  It doesn’t have to suck either….that’s not what I’m saying.  It just requires effort.

We had determined in ourselves that we were in this FOREVER!  Divorce was not in our vocabulary.  It was not an option when we were fighting to say – “Okay then, just leave me!”  Although at times, that would have made things a lot easier (in the moment) – it wasn’t an option. 

I remember during some of our darkest times, thinking that I had two options, and I wasn’t particularly happy with either one.  My options were to either stick it out in a very miserable marriage and just be miserable with where we were at, OR…..I could decide that I didn’t want to stay where we were at, and I could be willing to work things out.  Obviously, it didn’t make much sense to me to remain miserable, and so I basically HAD to work things out.

When your options are to be miserable forever or to getting working….it’s quite the motivator, ’cause who wants to stay miserable forever.We have spent a lot of time working on our marrige, and it’s WAY better now than it ever has been before, and it’s not perfect yet.  We still get mad at each other.  We are still selfish, imperfect people (me more than him), we still have issues with communication (him more than me), we still fight over stupid stuff…….I could go on forever…..that doesn’t sound too good does it……
The thing is, we are learning HOW to fight. We are learning what to say, and what NOT to say.  We are learning how to comunicate without killing each other in the process.  It is possible to fight, and to walk away in a better place then when you started.  I hate fighting and walking away with nothing resolved.  Even if the entire issue is not resolved, if you can take one step forward, then you’re better off than when you started.  I love that we are learning to really hear the HEART behind what each other is saying, and not just the words.

Probably the BEST book we ever read was Love and Respect by Emerson Eiggerichs.  It’s an amazing book that talks about what Men and Women want and need out of a relationship.  Amazing, AMAZING book!  I recommend that if you get it, you do so, to read the sections for you – not for your spouse.  It never works to highlight sections and then leave the book sitting in the bathroom conviently open to where you want him to read it…..believe me…..it just doesn’t…..don’t ask HOW I know that…..just trust me.

Even if you are the only one in your relationship who reads the book, and applies the principles – you will still see fabulous changes in your marriage.  Seriously!

I read the book about a year before Jon did, and although I will admit that by the time he read it – I was ready to kill him, ’cause he ALL OF THE SUDDEN had these amazing insights and revelations……..and like I said……I can be selfish and petty and…..to be completely honest….I really have to work on forgiveness.  It doesn’t come easy to me.

So, his amazing revelations were old news to me, and I was mad, hurt and not interested in cooperating, but again…..going back to the whole….are you going to live in misery for the rest of your life or start working on things……….I’m not interested in a life of misery and so…..let’s get working on stuff.

It’s been up and down over the 12 years, but I’m looking forward to where we’ll be at in another 12 years from now. 

I’m in this for the long haul, sweetheart, and I’m so glad that you are too.

Having said all of that, what would you have said or thought if you had woken up to this on the first morning of married life…………..

35 Weeks Officially

35 weeksSo, here is the official 35 week photo.

The closer I get to the end, the more important it is that I actually get there….I only wish the time was passing faster.

I got some terrible news today.  Ever since losing Nathaniel in January of 2005, I have been a part of an Internet Bulleitn board for women who have experienced loss.  Most of the ladies have had miscarriages, but a few have had still births.  There have been tons of the ladies that had losses around the same time that I did, who have since then had a healthy baby, or even two.  Unfortunately, some of the ladies have had more losses, or haven’t been able to get pregnant since then.

It was an amazing place for me to find, when I felt so all alone, and like I really didn’t have anyone who understood what I was going through.  I could ask questions and find answers, and just be frustrated, and give support as new ladies came along.  It’s been a wonderful support system, and I believe that I’ve made some friends over the past 2 and a half years.

This morning, one of the girls who has had multiple losses along side of me, had a still born baby.  She was 37 weeks pregnant, and the cord was wrapped tightly around her son’s neck.

This has kind of thrown me for a loop. 

To make matter’s worse, our little guy has had a particularly quiet and still day today.  Yes, he has been moving, but not quite the usual kicks and squirms that I think are usual.  I’d be lying if I said that getting this news hasn’t bothered me.  It’s so hard to think that this lady lost her child, and she was so close to the end.  If he’s been born one day earlier, he would/could have lived.  It’s situations and circumstances like these that I don’t understand.

If you could, I’m asking for prayer.  I’m asking for prayer for a friend of mine (Emily) who just lost her baby (Jack).  I’m also selfishly asking for prayer for me and my baby.  I really want this baby to live and not die, and to be born safely, and when it’s supposed to be.

We are getting closer and closer to being ready for our baby to come.  I’ve told Jon that everything has to be basically done for the 21st of July.  That’s when I’m 37 weeks.  After that, it will just be a matter of tidying and washing and sorting and folding and putting things away.

We bought some shelves today.  I wanted to get some shelves to put above the change table, and found some that didn’t really match, but they were close and would have worked, and they were $15 each.  So not too expensive.  We were at RONA today, and found some unfinished ones for $7.00 each, and bought a can of stain for $15.  It worked out to about the same price for the 2 shelves and the stain, but these shelves are a bit wider which I’m happy about.  The other ones were fairly narrow, AND once stained, these will be very close in color to the furniture we already have.  YAH!

I also found the cutest frog for the wall.  It’s actually a hanger thingy.  It has pegs, that you hang stuff from……do you know what I’m talking about?  So basically, the frog is sitting on a piece of wood that has 3 pegs in it, and you can hang stuff on the pegs.  It’s cute!  I’ll post a picture – you’ll LOVE it!

Also, the NICEST thing happened today…..the sales associate at the RONA thought that Jon and I were in our mid twenties, and that this was our first child.  She thought that we were just looking after the 3 kids that were with us, and was absolutely SHOCKED when Jon told her that we’d been married for 12 years.  I’ve never been told that I looked younger than my age, so I was pretty surprised….Maybe she was just being nice…..who knows….who cares….It was a nice complement and I’m not going to over think it too much.

Well, here’s to the end of day one of being 35 weeks pregnant.  I can’t wait ’till next week when I’ll be even one week closer to meeting this sweet boy of ours.

Hurting and Crying

Did you ever want to just unload EXACTLY how you’re feeling, but you can’t do that ’cause you’d hurt other people.  People that you loved and cared for…..and so you keep it all inside, and then it builds up, and you feel like you’re going to explode or implode or whatever…..

I’m having another down day.  I hate this.  I hate these days.  I hate it when the things that I’m feeling come crashing down in on top of me, and I dont’ know what to do with them.  I just want to ignore them, and I wish they would all just “poof” go away.

I’m worried about Chris.  I’m worried about my family.  I’m worried about this baby, although that particular worry is way down on the list of things to worry about.  I know it’s just a matter of time – but I hate the “time” factor.

I feel like I’m being crushed under a HUGE weight of stuff that is WAY TOO HEAVY for me to be carrying especially when I’ve got my own stuff to “Carry” right now.

Maybe I just need to go and have a good cry, and then once some of the pressure is relived – I’ll feel better.  I’d love to believe that, but crying, isn’t going to change anything right now.  Everything that I’m thinking about is still going to be there, unchaged when I’m done, and then I’ll have puffy eyes, a raw nose, and a wicked headache to boot…..and seriosuly, who wants to deal with all of that.

I have my lists of stuff to do, and don’t even feel like doing any of that.  I dont’ know what to do with myself.  I did get the baby’s bag for the hospital packed yesterday.  Yah Me, but there is still so much more to do…..not tons of stuff, but just some stuff.  I feel like for everything I cross of the list, that I add 2 or 3 more things, and my list only grows longer, and not shorter.

I’m not sleeping well, and so I’m sure the “tired” thing is not helping.

I know that I can’t fix any of the things that I’m worrying about, and I’m not trying to.  I know that I can’t change the situations, and I’m not trying to.  I just hurt so bad when I feel other people hurting, and I hate that I can’t take all the hurt and make it go away.

I realize that everyone has their own paths to walk down, and that everyone has a choice as to how they travel their particular path, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt for them, and all they are going through.  I wish I could control the situations, and just say, “Do it this way…..it would hurt so much less in the long run.”  But I can’t, and I know that.

 I still hurt……for everything that’s going on right now.

Maybe “down” days are no good for me…..I slow down too much and end up thinking and feeling overwhelmed.  Maybe I just need to keep going full force, until I have a complete mental and physical breakdown…that sounds about right doesn’t it?  Ha Ha!  Just kidding!