Guilty Pleasure

It was Xandra and Jeremy’s Sports Day today.

Xandra & Poojah

In the past we have been “those involved parents”. You know…..the ones helping out in the classroom, helping the teachers with photocopying or with crafts or field trips or at the concession stands at sports days or family fun nights.

You need someone to help out. WE ARE HERE TO SERVE.

This has always been our “way” of doing things. And then……

Then I lost Nathaniel and yet I still plowed on. Then we had the other 3 losses and I still plowed on. Then I got pregnant with Siah and still plowed on. Then my brother just about died in a crash with a semi-truck and I took a tiny break but still I plowed on. Are you sensing a theme here??? Then I had Siah and planned on plowing on, but I realized that I needed to take “sometime” to focus on just us…..and I did still end up heading back into the school to help out but during that time off something shifted.

Running HardI realized that my kids were important, and that I wanted to help out and be involved with them and their school, but WHY???

That became the BIG QUESTION for me.

See, I do think that if it’s possible, that it’s a good, and even a GREAT, idea to be somewhat involved in the school that your kids go to.

1. If you are involved then the teachers actually get to “know” you.
2. The “knowing” leads to relationship and SO MUCH BENEFIT comes from relationship.
3. If there are any problems with your child, it is so much easier to navigate those murkey waters from a position of relationship.
4. If your child needs extra help academically, the “relationship” that you have with the teachers means that you will get better treatment than those who are fringe parents….is this a “fair” thing, nope, but it is what it is…

Relationship is everything. So much in the “real world” is in “who you know”….it can make or break you.

BUT….I have found that finding the balance is SO important.

Am I there? No, in fact this past year has been a wicked brutal year for us and I have probably swung way to far to the other end of the spectrum and and am desperately hanging off the threads of the past few years of relationship to carry me through this year.

Jon and I got hired in town (Vancouver) in January of this year and we live out in the Fraser Valley and that means that typically 3-4 days a week we make the hour’s commute in and then again at the end of the day and we have just been basically trying to survive. All of this with one pre-teen (that right there is enough for a crisis all on it’s own) who is also in her first year of late French Immersion. One other pre-teen who’s moods can flail from one end of the spectrum to the other within the space of 5 minutes. A son with ADD/ADHD who is struggling with all that entails, and a baby. It’s been a bit of a wild ride the past 6 months. Add selling off a part of our company and still maintaining the other part of it….and yah, it’s rocked!!!!

Outta Control

One thing that has TOTALLY fallen off the radar is school volunteering.

We walked onto the school yard today and hearing the comments of “it’s been so long since we’ve seen you around here?” and “You’ve been so busy, eh?” and all the other little comments just nailed home to me how brutal it is to live under all that pressure.

It’s amazing how guilt sits like a cloud around the school.

Siah

We attended the Sports Day today. That’s it. We could have offered to help. We could have squeezed some blood out of that stone and given some more of our time and our selves and yet we chose not to.

We chose to focus only on our kids. We went. We cheered them on. We took pics. We bought them junk food from the concession stand to celebrate the day and then we left before it all finished.

It felt HORRIBLE and yet AMAZING.

Siah & Jon

I felt like we were letting the other parents down by not “doing our part”. I realize that if there are no volunteers then a lot of fun things won’t happen, but sometimes you just have to enjoy your kids without the pressure and responsibility of making it all happen for everyone else. And today…..was that day for us. And I determined that I was going to enjoy every minute that I was there. It was so nice to just “be there” for our kids.

I’m already feeling the pressure of having to start all over again and building relationship with the teachers and principals at the kids new school in September. But I’m hoping that I’ll be able to do it for good reasons and within boundaries that work for me and don’t lead me to feel like I’m giving everything that I have or being taken advantage of.

Just Another Manic Monday.

I looooooove my Monday’s.

Monday’s are my planning and organizing days. If I actually get off my butt and plan out the week, then the pay off is HUGE. However, if I sit on my butt and do nuthin’ – I find that the rest of the week totally and completely SUCKS!

Last week I jumped back on the menu planning thingy and this week I’ve done the same. It’s not a fabulous menu, but it’s easy and more importantly it will be easy to follow and requires only that I hit the market for fruits and veggies as I already have everything on hand to do this week. That’s a bonus in my world.

I hate grocery shopping. It used to be my MOST favorite thing to do. I had my monthly budget all set out and went looking for the most amazing deals and anything that was left over at the end of the month was “mine ALLL MINE” (cackling wickedly as she rubs her hands together). And then we discovered that all that cheap processed food was hurting my kids and we switched over to an all natural diet and my previous grocery budget was shot because all that natural food is freakin’ expensive and you can’t get “deals” on that crap and you can’t even really shop at normal stores and so shopping became totally and completely NO. FUN. AT. ALL.

So, now I shop because I “HAVE TO”….and it’s either shop or listen to the children whine and whine and whine some more about how hungry they are and I already have to listen to them whine about not getting the sugar cereal or anything else “cool” and there is only so much whining I can handle before my ears start to bleed.

Back to what I was saying before, if I plan thing out at the beginning of the week, then our lives are just all around easier.

An even bigger bonus this week is that I’m not working on Tuesday as it’s our kids Sports Day and for once the “sports day teams” have worked in our favor and both of the two middle kids have sports day on the same day….I have done 2 days of sports days every year for the past 3 years and it’s getting a bit old. So when I found out that I only had the one day…..WOOOOO HOOOOO! I was thrilled. And this year we are being terribly bad and not even thinking about volunteering to help out on Sports Day….yes, we are wicked, WICKED rebels….*snort*

Anyhoooooo, this week is shaping up to be a great one….not even terribly busy until the end when it seems to creep up on us and explode into absolute chaos and mayhem…..otherwise known as my sister’s wedding – should be a FABULOUS day.

Without further ado, here is my week in point form (along with the meal schedule)

Monday – Planning Day
Vegetarian Chilli loaded with vegetable-y goodness over brown rice.

Tuesday – Sports Day
Roast Chicken with potatoes and veggies

Wednesday – Jon & I working in town (Chris’s Birthday)
Roast Beef and potatoes (in crockpot) with veggies

Thursday – At home day probably loads of packing and cleaning
Chicken Fajitas (with handmade tortilla’s – YUM)

Friday – Jon & I working in town
Sister’s Wedding Rehearsal Party

Saturday – Sister’s Wedding

Sunday – Father’s Day
I’m thinking about Bar-B- Que Steaks and Baked Potatoes (we’ll see)

If all works well, there should be no fast food at all this week…..much to Jeremy’s dismay….that kid would live off “out dinners” (as he calls them) if he could.

Just trying to Breathe

OH TODAY………..

Well, if you follow me on Twitter, then you would have had first hand witness to the colossal train wreck that was me on my way into the Vancouver Blogher Meet Up. It was AMAZING….seriously! Even if you don’t follow me, just go ahead and click on that link and have a good laugh.

You might have to go back a page (click on “more”) and it starts with the “Headed into Vancouver….running a bit late” post.

My stress level started out fairly manageable, and honestly – I was doing so well (in my head – HA!) and then the closer we got the more I started freaking out and honestly….if I hadn’t put it out here that I was going to this and if I hadn’t had a bit of encouragement then I probably wouldn’t have gone.

AWESOME!!!! Isn’t it?

Alright, well! As you could see – all tweets stopped after I left the car. What you can’t see is that Jon dropped me off at the WRONG Cafe Artigiano. I seriously just about chewed my left arm off trying to convince myself to walk down the road and into the place and when I got in there….it was empty…..lemme back up a moment…..

See, I had asked Jon to find the address and he went online looking to look it up. He is typically very competent and so I figured that all was good. We drove to the original location and in my stress and panic I had totally forgot that the location had changed.

So, here I am in an almost empty Coffee Shop and am absolutely lost for what to do. I stand there for a moment trying to come up with something and then I leave. I walk down the road and remember that the location had changed and that Jon must not have seen that post……LOVELY! So, I’m frantically typing into my blackberry trying to figure out the other location or to pull up the Blogher Post where it’s mentioned……So I call Jon…..and he’s circling the block until he figures that I’m not going to freak…..

Awesome! If that doesn’t make me feel stupid, I don’t know what does.

So he picks me up and we head to the right place.

See haven’t even walked in the “correct” door and already I have a “story” about today. So all that original stress of having to walk into the place…..and I have to go and do it all again. GGGGGAAAAWWWWKKK!

So, I walk in……..see all these beautiful women……..and although I’m feeling TOTALLY out of my element….it’s all okay.

Well, that’s a load of crap. It was not “all okay.” It was good. It was great. It was also VERY stressful for me.

I’m at home and it’s 2+ hours since I left and only now am I starting to be able to breathe again.

I know how stupid this is. Believe me. Anxiety is not a fun thing. I HATE that this “thing” has had such a control on my life and I’m doing everything in my power to face my demons head on.

I am thrilled that I went. I know that given a day or 10, that I’ll look back on this and be all, “That was the best time EVER! I’m so glad that I went. It was NOTHING. I could TOTALLY do that again.”

And the thing is, now that I’ve done it. I totally could. Does it mean that I won’t spazz out the next time that I do something like this. Nope! Probably still will, BUT….I’m not letting this thing rule my life.

I was thrilled to practice my small talk (NOT) annd I’m so blessed to have met all these amazing women, and hopefully we’ll get to meet again and maybe I’ll say more than 2 words.

Honestly guys, I’m not so quiet when I’m not freaking out. I’m not the worlds hugest extrovert, but I’m not quite so quiet.

Regardless of what comes of today…..I know that I did something that was HUGE for me. And…..I did manage to meet some real life people, and…. I feel like I’m a bit more a part of this local blogging community.

And all of “that” makes me very, very happy.

I’m not all alone out there…

I started blogging (I had to go back and check my original post) on August 10th, 2005. I had lost Nathaniel in January of that year and had spent a significant portion of my time on the internet looking for answers or at the very least for someone else who “understood” what I was going through.

I found a miscarriage and pregnancy loss site in February 2005. And while at first, I was too scared to actually post on the site, just the fact that there were others like me who had lost babies whether it was a miscarriage or stillbirth or even those who were unable to get pregnant…..we had this common bond of wanting something that we couldn’t have. I felt like I wasn’t alone. I had been sitting in my house, in my misery and grief and feeling so alone. I had one person who could sort of relate and yet it wasn’t the same…..it was truly one of the loneliest times of my life.

I still check in almost daily with the women that I met back then…..It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 4 years – the time has flown by.

I have this “connection” with these women, and yet at the same time I recognize that over the internet, we only get to see a “side” of who each other is. We get to see what they share with us and the same goes for you…you get to see what I share with you. While I’m not trying to hold anything back or hide anything and if you read here long enough, I think that you will get a fairly good idea of who I am – it’s still like viewing something in 2 dimensions as opposed to seeing it jump out at you in real life.

I try to be as real and as honest as I can, but sometimes….I’m just too tired to share things that I’m feeling. Or I’m too hurt to adequately explain a whole situation or I only share what I’m feeling and then you don’t get the full, rounded picture. Maybe I only post the funny stuff and then you think that my life is amazing, or maybe I whine, whine, whine about being so freaking tired or go on and on about the drama of buying a house…..it’s only a piece of the whole.

I’ve seen so many references floating around the internet of meet ups and hook ups and different functions and because I have been a fairly shy person – I’ve looked at these and been equal parts jealous and freaked out.

I’d love to meet some of the women out there. I’d love to get to know the ones who share and put themselves out there; the ones who are so funny that you laugh until you cry or in my case after too many pregnancies and births, you just pee yourself. I’d love to have a physical connection with some of these women. Some of them have said things that have made me think or re-think my position on certain issues. Some of them have challenged me and some have comforted me when I was hurting so bad that I wasn’t sure I could take another step, let alone breathe.

I read that there was going to be a pre-Blogher meet up in Vancouver………

I was so excited and yet so scared.

Fear used to control my life. I did NOTHING because I was so scared of what other’s might think of me. Lots of counseling later and I’m only a little scared of what others might think of me. It’s progress…..imagine if you were a finished work of art…..what would be left to live for….life would be so boring. And so I thought about it…..I talked to Jon about it…..I thought about it some more….and I mentioned to those organizing it that I’d like to go.

You know….all confident and like, “OH Yah! Me…I’d be happy to go to this thing….I do this kinda stuff every day.”

Yah, NOT SO MUCH!

But I did. I responded that I’d like the info and then to my horror and excitement…I responded to the second call.

So, here I am….taking what is a HUGE step in my world.

I’m heading out tomorrow to the Vancouver Meet up and well…..I’m sure I’ll let you know how it went. Either I’m thrilled that I went and have great stories to tell of meeting great people OOOOOOOOR………I’m horrified that it went so bad and I’ve embarrassed myself so badly and well…..those are always GREAT stories to tell, so regardless, I should have some great stories to tell at the end of it all.

What I’m hoping for….is some personal connections to other people who are doing this “sharing their lives for the world to see” thing. Not everyone does this, and its interesting to see who does and why? I want to feel a little less alone in this great big huge blogging community…..who knows, maybe I’ll even manage to scrape my courage together and make it to Blogher one year….baby steps, people, baby steps.

Geli’s 12 Year Old Perspective on “The Move”!

Hey Everybody,

I thought that I’d take a moment to get a different perspective on our upcoming move. Angelica is my first victim.

I’ll be asking her a few questions and she’ll answer them……imagine it working that way!!!!

Question #1

What is/are the most exciting thing/s about this move?

I’m closer to school. I am really, REALLY close to Nana’s house. Ummmm…What was the question again? Ummmmm…. (apparently this move ain’t so exciting for her…or she’s just really struggling with that whole pre-teen “what is the right answer” crap.) I kinda like the part where I get a really cool room down stairs. It has a nice big living area for everybody to be in….and if it gets to loud I can just go down stairs to my room and I like that there are lots of bathrooms.

Question #2

What is the most stressful thing about this move….or what are you worrying about?

I have to go back to school with Xandra and Jeremy. I have to share a room with Xandra downstairs. The huge back yard that we have is owned by everyone else and I can’t do anything in it…….ummmm, ummmm, ummmm……oh the TV/Wii room is right beside our room and Jeremy gets up early to play on the Wii. We can’t ride our bikes or play on skate boards on the town house roads.

Question #3

What to you think about moving schools and having to make new friends and leaving old friends behind?

Well, for having to make new friends and leaving the old friends behind. I still have the old friends e-mails and so it’s easy to stay in touch like and and it’s only a half and hour drive to go and visit them. And for new schools, I’ve changed schools ummmm……3 times now and so this one is not too much different than the other ones. I like that I’m going to a French school and that it’s close to where we are moving to.

Question #4

Is there anything else that you think about, regarding this move?

Ummmmmmm……………I am excited that I am finally getting my room clean. We are throwing lots of stuff out and clearing out the excess stuff out (like for winter) and putting it all in boxes and putting it in my dad’s office to get ready to move. We are also going to have a garage or moving sale and get rid of lots of stuff from that.

Question #5

You’ve lived in this house for most of your life. Are you sad to move away or excited?

Kinda both. Excited because it’s going to be a challenge to remember where everything is….but not to much of a challenge…like all the new spots for everything like the cups and bowls and plates…..that kinda stuff….and sad because I’ve lived int his house most of my life and lots of stuff has happened while I’ve been living here….like Nathaniel dying and we’ve made lots of stuff in the big forest in our back yard but it’s been mostly taken down by the teenagers (local kids). I have a few really, really, really, really, really good friends. But overall I am quite excited. It’s gonna be a change.

So, there you have it…..straight from the horses mouth……just kidding, but if you know Geli – you know that she likes horses….. so that was my lame attempt at a little humor.

Stay tuned for more house news in the not to distant future and for more answers from some of the other kids….

Randomness

I sat in the baby’s room last night, listening to him scream and then stop and then scream and then stop and all the while singing and shushing him and desperately hoping that he would just hurry up and “go to sleep” already. Fun Times, I tell you. Fun Times! No, I can’t just leave him in there all alone to scream himself to sleep. One – there is that whole, “life is precious and even more so since I held my son in my arms and then left him at the hospital never to see him again” thing and two he can sort of climb/fall/drop out of his bed and I don’t want him hurting himself. It wasn’t that long and he was stopping and starting which means that he wasn’t really serious….just pissed!

*****

Jon stayed working late in Vancouver last night and so it was all 4 of the the monkey versus me in the evening struggle. Again with the even more funner times. I don’t think “funner” is a word, let alone the phrase “more funner”, but I’m not changing it.

*****

TMI warning…….you’ve been warned…..read at your own comfort level….

Remember last month when I talked about this amazing tea and how it had totally helped me out with regards to extremely heavy flow. At that point it hadn’t done anything about the length of the cycle (42 days I think it was last month which I attributed to nursing, but I’m still nursing right now so…….?) Well, I’m so pleased to be able to say that this month I am ROCKIN’ a whole 29days. Yup! I almost didn’t believe it, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the signs. I was pretty certain I had at least another week or two, and when I counted out the days….WOOO HOO! 29 , BABY! And so far, we’re rocking the lighter flow and so this is truly what I’d call, “A Happy Period!” Thank you, Always! And just so you know….I’ve always (pun intended) hated that slogan.

But I am totally happy with my tea and the way that my body is regulating and cycling “normally”. I wasn’t even as “witchy” as I can sometimes be around this time of the month……that’s good too, eh? AND…..it probably explains a little of my “down” mood over the past week….right? Now that I think about it, it would also explain the wicked tummy ache that I had on Sunday….hmmmm?!?!?

*****

We had the Home Inspector over to the town home yesterday morning and apparently we are buying the best deal on the face of the planet or at least in BC. Two elderly people who have not really lived in the house for the past 14 years, since it was built, are giving us an immaculately cared for place. Little things like the BRAND NEW, installed 2 months ago dishwasher…has never been used because how many dirty dishes can two old people make and really, its faster to just hand wash them. And they are leaving behind their little in perfect working order freezer so we can ditch our energy sucking monster that we can never seem to fill up any how. And the 14 year old water heater, looks like new and only it’s serial number shows it’s true age……honestly…the water heater is the only thing (aside from the roof which we know about) that we might need to replace in the somewhat distant future. The home inspector figured that the water heater might spazz out when actually expected to…you know……work! With 6 people, and at least one load of laundry per day and at least one load of dishes in the BRAND NEW dishwasher…..it’s going to be something that gets a work out….

But…..we are getting a wicked, WICKED deal. And the tools….OH MY GOODNESS….I should let Jon tell you about the tools….some that have never been used and they are leaving them for Jon…He feels like he’s gone to testosterone heaven.

I do believe that we are being given a HUGE blessing in the this town home; and while I’m still struggling with SHARING my property and not just having a stand alone HOUSE….I can see how this is SUCH A BLESSING FOR US in SO MANY ways.

*****

I’ve not packed one more box since the weekend and a huge part of me is FREAKING OUT ABOUT THAT. Another part says….hey, it’ll all get done, right?

*****

I’ve gone to work today and left a brutally messy house behind me. I hate to say this, but honestly….I don’t even want to come home because it’s going to be even messier….unless Jon has done something about it and there is nothing that I care to do about it until tomorrow when I have my next “home” day. And so…it sits….unhappy and messy….and causing stress.

*****

I can’t wait for school to be over because seriously….if we had to go through another month coughing up as much dough as we have this past month for various field trips…..we’d be bankrupt….seriously. Why do they save it up until the last month? Why not spread it out over the year? We are fortunate enough to be able to afford these field trips (times 3 kids), but I GUARANTEE you that there are more than just a few parents who can’t and who are feeling incredibly guilty that they can’t nd so are going into debt so as not to be embarrassed over it. It’s not cool.

*****

I think that’s all I got for ya right now….but I’ll leave you with two questions?

Are you a sock person or a no sock person? (I’m a “no sock” person, year round)

What is your favorite “summer” colour? (my favourite “summer” color is red…think strawberries, watermelon, cherries)

Baby Updates

I just know that you have all been dying to ask about Siah and how he’s doing and what’s up with him????? Right???

Siah 5

I knew it.

Well, he is just shy of 2 years old.

I can’t even fathom that my miracle baby is going to be 2 years old this summer. It seems like so long ago that we were wading through the sticky pools of grief unsure if we’d even be able to take another step let alone another breath.

And here we are, and everything moves on….except all the memories. The memories of Nathaniel and that time all just stand still.

But Siah…..my sweet boy is amazing……and strong willed.

Siah

Who woulda ever seen that one coming? My kids are so placid and easy going and easily controllable and they ALWAYS do what they are told, right?

** SNORT **

Okay! Okay, maybe not so much.

I’ve mentioned before how it’s different with Siah than it was with Jeremy. Obviously they are different people, but parenting the girls – although they had different temperaments – was similar. Parenting Jeremy and Siah is a WHOLE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BEAST ALTOGETHER.

For starters, Jeremy was moving at a million miles an hour. Siah only goes about half a million miles an hour……so although we are still moving, in comparison, it feels like standing still.

There are a lot of ways that parenting Siah is similar to parenting the girls….which, given how much stress there is involved in parenting Jeremy…I’m grateful.

I will never sugar coat how AMAZING Jeremy is or ON THE FLIP SIDE…..how brutally difficult and stressful parenting Jeremy is.

It is what it is and I’m allowed to LOVE the boy while HATING the Problems and COMPLAINING about the stress and effort and REJOICING in the triumphs…it is ALL apart of the whole!

Siah is busy. All my kids have been busy to some extent. I like to believe that I have brilliant children who need extra challenges and stimulation in their lives. He LOVES to climb on anything and everything. He LOVES water. He will spend hours in the tub or even just puddling in the sink. We can often hear him dragging a chair over to the sink to play with the water.

Siah 6

Most recently, he has figured out a way to climb both in and out of his crib. I’ve never had any of my kids still in a crib at 22 months old. I’ve moved them all to a bed well before this, but it has been more convenient to keep him in and he’s not made a huge deal or fuss about it and so this is how its going.

I’m not sure if we will try to put him in a regular bed soon or if we’ll just stick with the crib through the moving transition.

He is talking up a storm and for the most part is very clear and articulate. He talks better than any of my other kids have and I attribute that to how many of us he has nattering at him.

He is right in the middle of still using his high chair and standing/kneeling or sitting in a big chair at the table. We are thinking that we probably won’t take the high chair with us when we move and that we’ll just use a little “attach to a chair” seat that we bought a while ago.

It’s so much fun to see him growing up and learning about new things and yet I’m just seeing how fast this time passes by. He was just a tiny baby and now….now he’s becoming a little boy.

He is so happy and cheerful about 93% of the time……except when he gets it in his head that he wants something….then that stubborn nature that he must have got from his daddy (seeing I still have all of my stubborness) really kicks in. He can be so focused on something. It’s amazing.

Siah 2

He has the most darling curls. I hope that they stay. He is perfectly chubby and weighs in right at 30 pounds.

I love everything about this little man. His independence, his joy, his snuggles, his smiles, his bright eyes…….his little “I loves you.”

He is a huge joy to us and we are so grateful and thankful that we have him in our lives. He is such an amazing gift.

The Planning of the Meals

Here is this weeks meal plans….

Monday…..it’s an at home all day today

Roast Beef Dinner with Potatoes & Gravy and Carrots and Broccoli

If I feel particularly inclined I might even make Yorkshire Puddings

Tuesday….working all day then Jon is staying late for a Board Meeting

Farmer’s Sausage with Veggies

I’m going for ease tonight with Jon not around.

Wednesday……I’m working until dinner time

Ham & Rice and Peas and Carrots

Thursday…..Its another at home day for me – SOOOO NICE!

Roast Chicken with Potatoes and Grilled Zucchini and Peppers

Friday…..We are working today and then have to leave for a Youth Activity by 6pm

Hamburgers

I’ll prepare as much as I can on Thursday and be ready to just put the burgers on the Bar-B Que as soon as we get home.

And there you have it. I love having a plan – it’s so easy to just follow, and there is no worrying or wondering about what is for dinner.

And now to clean my house……BLURGH!

You’ll Never Believe This…but You Probably Will!

Sunday June 7th un-published post

Guess what our Realtor brought us this morning?

An offer from the owner’s of THE HOUSE.

I’m guessing that they figured that we were LYING when we said that we had another offer that we were planning on buying if they didn’t get back to us. SO STUPID!

I’m so upset.

This whole house buying thing should be an exciting time, right? I feel so disappointed and nervous and upset and bothered.

I feel like we made the right choice in choosing the town home over the house. We both felt like this town home “felt” like home when we walked in.

I think that the unknown is stressing me out.

Living with “the Strata”, and wondering how Jeremy will handle the “rules” of the Strata, and we read the minutes wrong in one area and totally believed that there was a rule that ALL the venetian blinds HAD to be down (touching the window sills) and the options were either opened or closed…..I would feel like I was in a prison. Apparently, the Strata “tried” to pass this as a rule and it was denied 9 votes to 11 votes. I can’t even fathom what kind of people live here. Not only that, but the kids aren’t allowed to ride their bikes in the complex. I’m not sure that there are any kids who are my kid’s ages let alone very many kids in the town home at all. I know there are a few and in the minutes over the past 2 years there is exactly ONE complaint about some owner putting up a swing set (which of course is going to get some flack as the rules clearly state that you CANNOT DO THAT under penalty of death). No Children related complaints, so that’s saying something.

Not sure what it’s saying exactly, but it’s got to be saying something, right?

I had this notion that when we bought our first place that I’d be so excited and that I’d be planning and dreaming and hoping and wishing and all I feel is………………depressed.

How horrid is that?

What is wrong with me?

I could be lying. I could tell you how excited I am. (I am excited to be putting money into our future and not into someone else’s future.) I could go on and on about how this is the best thing ever and blah, blah, blah, blah….

But I’m not. I’m just being honest.

This is all new for me and frankly a little scarey.

I’m not scared of the mortgage. Its just the blinking unknown……..

Why do all my control issues rise up now? I thought that I had made such big strides forward away from all that crap that terrorized my life for SO MANY YEARS…..why is it such an issue now.

I can see the town home in my head….when it’s been updated. It’s beautiful. It’s one of those things where you can look at it and even looking past the 80’s blue window treatments and curtains….and the carpet in the main floor bathroom (old man splash back, YUK!) and the pink-tinted white walls and I can see us entertaining and enjoying it. If we had unlimited funds, I would slightly rearrange the kitchen and put in an Island and shrink the length of one wall that separates the kitchen and dining room. See, I can totally see it. It’s a great place………

Monday morning now……I started this yesterday……

I thought I had finished this post up and published it, but apparently Jon and I were talking so much that I totally forgot that I hadn’t even finished this let alone posted it…..nice. Shows a little where my head space is.

I had a good sleep last night, and even though I still don’t feel SO FREAKING excited about everything….it doesn’t all feel quite so depressing.

I think that I’ll spend the day tidying my house and possibly packing a few things – if I feel like it. I’m just putting it out there that I am also going to make a meal plan for this week AND post it. It will help this week to flow just a little smoother.

Is it horrible that I am looking forward to September. Things should be settled by then (and here is here my inner pessimist says, “Yah, but what new things will come have come up….isn’t that horrid?) and we will be living in our house and settling into routines and I’m hoping that I will feel a bit less “outta control”.

I am only slightly apologizing for my extreme over use of punctuation. It’s a semi-accurate representation of how I feel – all exclaim-ey and everything.

Well, I’m off to figure out a meal plan for this week and then I’ll post it and My next post after that…..

I’m gonna post about something that has NOTHING to do with all this stupid house business. YAH!!!!

Once Again…….

Well, we attempted to get the house one last time.

We figured that it was kind of foolish to just walk away from something that we really wanted for just $2000 and so we contacted the owners of the house once more to see if they would sell. It initially sounded like it could possibly happen and then the 2pm time that they were going to respond by….well, it came and went.

And so we have walked away. Forever!

We have come to a verbal agreement with the owners of the town home and are waiting to get the paperwork back from them. I’ll admit that I’m nervous seeing as the paperwork had time to come in this evening, BUT……….the couple we are buying from is elderly and so I’m assuming that could mean no e-mail or fax machine to send and/or scan the signed paperwork to us. I’m assuming that the realtor has to go over and give them the paperwork to fill out…..and maybe he was just too busy tonight or maybe he already had plans…..But, seeing as out most recent situation has not left a great taste in our mouths…..Yah, I’m worried….or nervous….or whatever.

We should find out by Monday at the latest – I’m assuming….again with the assuming and the OVER USE of periods……..

It’s so hard to get excited when you don’t feel very certain about the future, BUT…..if we did get this place, then we have possesion on July 9th….and then we have a month to get in and to also get this place up to par…..

We’ve been living here for 9 years. We moved in June 2001 and would be “officially” moving out August 1st….unless a miracle happens and this place can get rented out for July 15th…which I’m not thinking is very likely.

I’d love to be able to get the main floors replaced before we moved in, but again…not sure if that’s a possibility.

Another thing this move (within this time frame) means – is that we can register the kids for the Late French Immersion School and have that all settled before the end of this school year….

Any way, We’ve been packing and decluttering and trying to pare things down. I only want to take the MOST IMPORTANT things….No crap filling up this house.

Well, it has been a long and emotional day and I am going to go to bed.

You’ll all hear when/if we get the place……I’d appreciate a prayer that I’d be able to chill until I know for certain. It’s getting a little dicey inside my brain.

Thanks!