Finding it Difficult in so many ways and on so many levels, but not wanting to talk about it…..so much

edited to add…..get a coffee….it’s a long one…… 

I’ve said that I’d talk about what we found out at the Naturopath in regards to both Jeremy and Josiah, and yet I’ve still not talked about it.

I find that talking about our struggles with Jeremy is so difficult that I think that in some small or large part of my brain I figure that if I don’t talk about it then it’s not really there.  Denial is a powerful, POWERFUL weapon (of self-destruction).

Josiah is doing better, I think. 

Okay, starting all of this off….I’m seeing my sister’s naturopath because my naturopath had to take some time off for a family emergency.  The two Drs are practice partners and so it’s not a big deal to see one or the other as it’s in the same place and they have very similar and complimentary practise styles.

So, we met for a HUGE appointment because all four kids needed a follow up appt for different reasons.  The girls needed a wrap up appointment because I took them through the “process” of food intolerance testing and such just so that they would be healthy.  I do think that they have some struggles, but that they’re doing well.  I’ll talk more aout that in a moment.  They are basically healthy kids and we are just on what we’d call “maintenance” – no wheat, dairy, sugar or yeast on a regular basis, but I don’t stress if they go to a birtday party or somewhere else where they might cheat a little……if they “can” eat healthy then make good choices, but for a special occasion (as long as those “occasions” don’t happen every day or even a couple of times a week) it doesn’t matter.

Josiah is doing much better.  I’m still avoiding dairy like it’s the plague.  Soy seems to really bother him, and so do tomatoes.  I had chili the night that we went to the naturopath and he barfed ALL EVENING, and then ended up with a flare up of eczema.  So, I’m avoiding Dairy, Soy, Tomatoes, Wheat and Yeast. 

I thought the Dairy was brutal, but soy is even worse…..pretty much anything that doesn’t have dairy in it – has soy in it…..so I’m eating lettuce as it seems pretty safe.  Nice, eh?  It’s not that bad, but to say my diet is limiting is an understatement. 

I am willing to do anything, though, to be able to nurse.  I won’t force him to nurse when he’s ready, but I wanted to have this “time” with my baby for a long time and I’m happy to be able to do it even if it means working around things to make it work for Josiah.

I am struggling with all the food intolerances and the eczema and gastro-intestinal issues that we’ve dealt with for the past 6 months.  I basically thought that parents “made up” their kids food intolerances and thought that they were all a bunch of over exaggerators and that they were blowing things WAY OUTTA proportion.  Now, I am one of them and being on this end of it SUCKS!  I’m hoping that it’s all just intolerances and that ‘Siah will outgrow everything as he gets older and bigger and stronger.

He’s on some supplements to heal his intestinal tract and I think it’s working.  His poos are AMAZING….like liquid gold.  I almost don’t feel like I have to be inspecting EVERY. SINGLE. POOP. to be looking for blood.  It was hell to be waiting with a twisted gut for your kid to poo and hoping that this time you wouldn’t see blood, and then feeling like you’d been punched in the gut when you did see blood and hoping that this would be the last time and feeling helpless and not knowing what to do or what was causing it.

There is also some material out there that says that Dairy is a big culprit for causing eczema and other material that says that eczema is a surface level reaction to intestinal issues and tha tif you get your guts healed up then the eczema will clear up.  I’ve read about eczema coming on after you’ve had a vaccination and also about detergent allergy and how there is detergant in EVERYTHING now a days and that if you can get your home to be a detergant free zone that your kids will be able to get healthy and then when they come in contact with detergant outsome the home, they will better be able to deal with it.  Someone else told me that if you wash the eczema with saline that it will get better.  i’m willing to try just about everything, but the thing that bothered me the most was my family doctor just telling me to get some hydocortisone and use it….I’d have to use it every day and I have an issue with just treating the symptom and not the root or underlying cause.

The eczema is clearing up since we’ve been on the supplements for 2 weeks now.  I have a follow up appt and i want to know if this is something that can be healed forever or if we’re just in a preventative stage forever.

He still scratches and has little cuts and nicks in his head ALL OVER THE PLACE.  It looks awful, but it’s not rashed up.  i’m not sure if it is actually itchy or if it’s a habit.  I know that he will start scratching horribly when he is tired.  So, habit or itch – I do not know.  Bottom line is….

I think that Josish is doing WAAAAAAY better than he ever has, and this is a good thing.

I’m not going to talk aout Jeremy today.  I think that this has gone on long enough, and I think that I want a little more time to think about how I want to say what I’m feeling and thinking about the most wonderful little boy ever.

Jeremy is an amazing child and I only wish that others could see past some of the outward stuff and really grab a hold of the beauty that’s inside of this precious, gentle, creative, compassionate little man.

I’m Ford Tough

Jeremy stayed with my sister and brother in law a few weekends ago.  This is his version of their horseback adventure .  He actually did go on a real horse and really did get thrown. 

 

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Today, I was riding a horse. In the morning and I bonked the horse. The horse bonked me down. Before it bonked me down, we were having lots of fun. Me and Uncle Denver. The horse was light brown and maaybey 10 maybe 20 inches big. We fed the horse a carrot. The horse was on Uncle Denver’s Dad’s farm. The horse lived in the artic. Cause it’s ear got frozen then it popped right off. I helped Uncle Denver put a saddle on the horse. We rode in the field. I was behind Uncle Denver on the horse. just behind the saddle. I was holding Uncle Denver. I was a real cowboy, because I was riding a horse. and I got bucked off, just like Uncle Denver and Uncle Tim. When I got bucked off I landed in the mud. I was crying. Uncle Denver said get on to the horse and we’ll bring you back. I wanted to get back on because it was fun, not the falling, the riding. We did one trick. The trick we did. WE did, we ran around really fast, uncle Denver tied it really fast we ran around in circles and then it jumped thhe pole and then we got bucked off. Then that was it. We got in the truck. And I still have my muscles, cause I’m tough. I’m Ford tough.

an Update

So His temp yesterday without Tylenol was around 39 degrees C or 102 degrees F…..not nice as far as I’m concerned.

It did  go down when I gave him the Tylenol, and so I gave him a dose at 8:30am, one at 12:30pm and then one last dose at 5pm.  After that last 5 o’clock dose, he didn’t seem to be getting terriblymuch hotter.  I checked his temp at 8:30 when I put him down for the night, and I was pretty conflicted about what to do.

Do I give him Tylenol to ensure that he doesn’t spike a super high fever during the night, or do I leave him and hope that it stays low grade or goes away?  What to do, what to do…..it was all vry distressing.  And then….I’m not nursing him in the night anymore, and he’s not needing it.  He goes from 8:00 – 8:30pm until 6:30am, and if he wakes up, Jon goes in and helps him back to sleep….BUT, now that he’s not feeling well…..Does he need the extra liquid or should we stick to our routine or what?

SO…I did nothing.  No Tylenol, and then I checked his temp at 10:30, ’cause I figured that it had been 5.5 hours since his last dose of medicine, and his temp was still at 37.7 – that what it was at 8:30pm  and 9:30pm, so it really wasn’t going up right then.

He did wake up whimpering at 1am, but he wasn’t too hot to the touch and he was only stirring, so I left him.  I think Jon got up with him at 2 or 3am, and then I just brought him to bed and nursed him at 4:30am, so it was a bit of a busy night, but he did good, and his temp this morning still with no Tylenol (since the last dose at 5pm) was at 37.6.

I realize that all of this is probably too much nit picky information, but I was surprised at how worried I was about it all.

I need to go and help the kids get ready for school, but I still want to update you all on our trip to the naturopath and the chiropracter….they were interesting appointments with some amazing information.

Questions for ya

okay, so it’sbeen a while since I had to deal with this…

Siah woke up with a fever this morning.  I’m really not into giving medicin to my kids unless its really necessary. 

My question is this, at what point do I worry for real……obviously I’m worried rght now, but when is it serious?

He isn’t coughing, and his nose is only running a little bit.  His temp got up to 38.5 in his armpit and so if you add .5 then it was up at 39 degrees.  At that point (8:30am) I did give him some Tylenol and now his temp is at 38.1  or (37.6 under his arm).  He was not very energetic before the tylenol, but now is just a little off from his usual self.

He’s pooped, peed, laughed, nursed and seems to be okay…..

Do I just wait and watch?  I hate dealing with this…He was 6 months old yesterday and this is our first fever……..it sucks!

So, what do you suggest? 

Blowin’ Raspberries

we did go to the Naturopath, and I have a TON of stuff to tell you.  In some ways it’s overwhelming…..good overwhelming, but overwhelming none-the-less….and so to stall for a bit of processing time…Here is my baby boy withone of his new skills…..of course you get me screeching in the background and Xandra – just for fun….

See the eczema on his cheeks…it’s so sad.

Frustration

‘Siah had a flare up of ezcema last night.  How frustrating is that? 

We have  an appt with the naturopath today and i’m hoping to get some answers and hopefully some “options” of things we can try to do.  We also should be getting the results of Jer’s Hair analysis and that might be able to offer some insight into his world as well. 

I’m actually taking all 4 kids AT THE SAME TIME into the Dr. office.  Nuts, eh?  I think that jon is coming with me although he seemed quite stressed out about it all this morning so we shall see.  I just cant fathom all of them at once in the little office.  Eeeeek!

The whole eczema thing is bugging me…..he also barfed ALL FREAKING DAY yesterday. So obviously something I ate hit him funny, but what..and why???  It annoys me that I was the healthiest with him and thathe seems to have it the hardest of the kids……maybe that isn’t really the case.  He’s the happiest, and most easy going of my kids, and he’s sleeping through the nights and nurses like a champ.  things are actually going really quite well.  It’s just the food intolerances and eczema….so frustrating.  And I’d really like a HUGE piece of cheese right now or a giant piece of pizzza.  Can you tell that I’m frustrated?  I want to self-medicate with food….not good.  Maybe this wohle food restriction thing is not  bad thing after all..I have to learn different ways to cope with my stress rather than just stuffing my face with food  it never makes me feel better anyway, but it sure tastes good.

Hmmmm….well, I’ll update ya if there’s anything good to update.  Later!

I’m not Alone

While I was in Toronto last week, Jon’s laptop had a minor mishap….it…um…died!  Badly!  Like gone, never to be salvaged……it was…..um…..a pretty crappy situation.

I got a text on Thursday night that said that he thought his computer had died, and when I finally got the message on Friday morning and called him at 6:30am his time……hee hee hee…..he was freaked and seriously stressed.  That stressed me out, and we had ourselves a serious stressed out time together, but 3 hours apart from each oother on opposite ends of Canada (almost).

He basically didn’t sleep for the next couple of days as he tried to retrieve the lost data…..it didn’t happen….and ended up getting himslef an unbelievably sweet Mac.  The 24 inch iMac.  It’s unreal and I’m trying hard to not covet it.  It’s that delicious.  I have no functional use for it, but it’s HUGE and fast and has a partitioned hard drive so you can run both Windows and Macs OS X (Leopard).  I really have no idea what I’m saying, but it’s HUGE and OH SO PRETTY!

That’s all a bunch of useless info….well, it’s not, but it’s not terribly necessary to tell the story that I’m about to tell.

Jon went into Vancouver to pick up this “thing of beauty” and my grandparents came over in case Jon wasn’t home by the time the kids walked home from school.  He wasn’t, and so it was good they were here.  I have the best grandparents……they are MY grandparents…not my kids grandparents….doesn’t that make them even more amazing……’cause you know they are older than dirt….Ha Ha Ha!  Just Kidding Grandma.  I love ya – just had to tease you.  They are actually really young Great-Grandparents to over…I dunno…..like a million great grandchildren.  Apparently we really take that whole “be fruitful and multipy” thing seriously, eh?

 Anyway, WAAAAAAAAAAY off topic here……….

Apparently, the girls took a looooooooong time getting ready after school and so Jeremy came home by himself.

Grandma asked where the girls were, and he replied that they were still at school.  So she asked if he had walked home alone.  He replied very simply……No, I was not alone!

She had a look to see if anyone had walked home with him and could see no one.  So she asked him who had walked home with him. 

His reply………GOD!

That’s not exactly what I was thinking when I said don’t walk home alone, but cute Jeremy, very cute!

I’m Home

I Love Toronto!  It is cold, but it’s a dry cold and WAAAAAAAAAY nicer than our slop weather that we have here.

‘Siah did great during the whole week that we were gone. He is such  happy baby and such a little trouper.

Our flight there was…….eventful, and really……….. in a funny way.

I didn’t get to sleep on Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning) until after 1:30, and I had to be up at 3:30am to make sure that I was for sure ready to leave the house baby and all by 4:30am.  Nice, eh?

I vaguely remember thinking to myself…..Hmmmm, Josiah didn’t poop today – I really hope that’s not an issue tomorrow on the flight.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

First of all, we were in a row of three seats and my friend and I were in the window seat and the middle seat…..and yes, they sat a poor lady in the aisle seat right next to us.  I felt so bad for her.  I knew I would have to get up to use the toilet and to change at least one diaper on the 4 hour non-stop flight.

I also knew that I’d have to feed him, and that he’d probably kick her (he’s really long) and that he might whine or cry at some point, and at the very least that he’d just talk…..and he “talks” really REALLY LOUD!

The airplane took off, and Josiah was nursing as we took off so that his ears would pop and because it was just time.  Just after the seatbelt sign went off, I smelt this funny (bad funny) smell, and figured that it was the baby across the aisle….there were 3 babies on this plane….but then Josiah let rip with a HUGE fart and started oozing ALL OVER THE PLACE.

He was in a disposable diaper, and I don’t use disposable diapers except for one overnight, and we had the most serious and unbelievable blowout ever in Josiah’s history.  I don’t have blowout’s with the cloth diapers, but this was an amazing blow out.

I had poop on Josiah’s clothes, and all over my lap, and all over his recieving blanket and his big cuddly fluffy blue blanket.  It was unbelievable….and I had to some how get new clothes and diapers and clean him up and myself up and needed to get out from the middle seat ….so, we did manage to get somewhat tidied, and made our wy back to our seat.  I had just got settled back in, and continued with nursing him, when……….he pooped all over again.  Fortunately, this one stayed inside the diaper like it was supposed to, but the lady in the aisle seat had just gone to sleep and I had to wake her up to crawl past her…..

By the time we made it to Toronto, all 3 of us, my friend, Josiah and I were covered in barf, and poo.

It was such an “experience!”

But, aside from the mess, Josiah was a happy baby, and our trip was great.

I’m still trying to catch up from the time difference as well as the late nights and early mornings…..so I’m tired, but it’s all good.  It’s good to be home, and back in our little (somewhat) routine and on our (so called) schedule.

I wasn’t here for the anniversary of Nathaniel’s birth/death, and we have yet to “do something” to remember him.  Maybe this coming up weekend…..I’ve not really sorted all my thoughts out about this.  I have so many different thoughts, some conflicting, on this whole thing.  Sometimes it’s just easier to not think about it……

But, I’m glad to be home….even if I did walk right back into what feels like a war zone, but that’s a story for another day.

an anniversary of sorts – guest post

today is Nathaniel’s third birthday.  Alexandra had to remind me at dinner time.  There is a lot going on: Patti is in Toronto at a conference, I am trying to run my business and take care of all the kid details at the same time…

This is exactly what I don’t want to happen, and yet I feel it is inevitable.  I had a son.  I held him.  I kissed him.  Right now as I type, I can vividly see him in the dimly lit hospital room.  I remember where I was sitting and how I held him.  I remember the feelings of confusion and not knowing what to do, and not knowing how long I should hold him, and how quickly I should let him go.  I wish I had held him longer!  What I don’t want to do is forget all this.

Now three quick years later, my 8 year old asked what we were doing for his birthday… (For the last two years, we have gotten helium balloons and written on them with permanent markers and said a few wishes and let them go.)  I want to be the father of 8… 4 living and 4 have moved on…

Life has a way of moving on and focusing on the present realities, or even on present opportunities, but makes light of past actualities.  Things have happened that have defined me, have become a part of me, have taught me all about compassion in a way I wish I were still ignorant it… but in the here and now, I (we) focus on what is in front of us, or what is currently required of us.

In the first year since Nathaniel, not a day went by that I did not think of him.  Now three years later on his birthday, I did not think of him once, until I was reminded.  I guess that is how life goes, but I don’t like it… HE IS MY SON!

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Nathaniel,

I miss you.  I see three year olds, and I know you would have been taller.  Your brothers and sisters were all big for their age.  I miss knowing who you would have become.  I miss knowing how much like your mom you were and how much like me.  In so many ways I am glad I got to hold you; to kiss you.  I’ve fought in my mind to keep you present in my mind and in my heart, but I haven’t done as well as I would have liked.

You are my son!  Nothing can take that away!  No matter how long you lived, you are my son.  No matter how well behaved, you are my son.  No matter what you attained, no matter what mistakes, no matter how hard you tried or how little, you are my son.  There is nothing that you could do to become more of a son, and there is nothing you could have done to become less of a son.  And so you get what sons (and daughters) get… my love.  My sons and daughters get all the love I have, unconditionally!  I know that you can see me from where you are and I know that you know my thoughts.

I love you.  Happy birthday.
DAD

Does it get any better or easier than this?????

I know I’m not even 6 months into this new baby thing and the fact that the early years with the other 3 kids is just a blur should tell me something, but I have such high hopes for myself and what I can or will accomplish and then…………

……it’s d

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That was my post that I started on Thursday and then we had a power surge and the computer froze and I was certain I had lost the start of my entry and I was so discouraged about it all that I just walked away.  Does that say anything about my frame of mind these days.   I’m so frustrated that I’m not accomplishing anything….or I should rephrase that to say that I’m not accomplishing as much as I was (and am) capable of doing in my pre – 4 kid days.  Again, I wouldn’t give up ‘Siah for anything, but it continues to be an adjustment.  I do actually belive that you can be grateful for something and still whine or complain about how hard it is…….someone we know had a special needs child – it’s their only child and they love this child so much….dealing with him on a daily basis and I think it’s completely fair for the parents to say that they are tired or discouraged or really wish they didn’t have to deal with their situation….does that mean that they love their child any less….nope….I think that they have the right to say that something is difficult and not feel guilty for doing so…..

So, here I am…this is difficult….probably more so because I have “stuff to do”.   If all I was doing was just being a SAHM – cooking and cleaning and that kind of stuff, I might not feel like I was behind in my duties, but that not all I’m doing…I have two other part time jobs and there is “stuff” that I have to get done….BUT….

::singing at the top of my lungs::

……I’M LEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVING ON A JET PLANE….   ::end song::

I’m going to Toronto tomorrow.  We are leaving in the middle of the freakin’ night.  4:30am…YIKES!  So, I won’t be around.  I’m still trying to convince Jon to post in my absence….so stay tuned to see if and what “crap” he throws at you….

Well, I still have to pack and I have a headache……It’s unreal the amount of gear that is required to take the baby and to make our week long stay a happy one…..I really hope it’s a happy one…it will royally suck if it’s not happy……and not just for me, but for my girlfriend that I”m rooming with……

‘Siah  is an AWESOME baby, but we will be off schedule and not at home…..I do hope it’s all good…..of course I’ll keep ya updated when I come back and I’ll probably have loads of pics of Josiah’s first plane ride…..’cause I’m dorky like that….have a good one people.