Missing Children

Okay, so this title is a bit more serious than my usualy drivel….but in actuality, it’s not.

I was tidying up today and ‘Siah and I were in his room. He was playing on the floor with his toys and I was folding clothes and putting them away, and clearing out small clothes and other stuff like that.

I ran downstairs, for a second, to flip the laundry over and when I came back upstairs and into Josiah’s room – it was empty!

Empty Room

He’s been motoring along for a while now and getting really fast with his little army crawl, and I wondered if he’d managed to make it down the hallway towards the kids room.

I gave the room one last glance, and nope….he really wasn’t in there.

Still No Baby

I ran out into the rest of the house and, nope….not down the hall way, not in the TV room, not in the kitchen or the front room, and one panicky moment when I prayed that he wasn’t in the bathroom fishing in the toilet….but nope! He wasn’t there, either…

I had no clue as to where he was.

I went back into his room and heard some little noises, but still could not see anything….and then….

One Little Hand

The little stinker had crawled under his crib and because of the long bedskirt, I couldn’t see him. The kids play with him under the crib ALL THE TIME and it drives me nuts, and I’m always nagging at them to GET. OUT. FROM. UNDER. THE. FREAKING. CRIB, and to stop pulling the baby under there with them.

He poked his head out….


And grinned at me…….

So Proud of Himself

He looked so proud of himself…it was so cute, and after he crawled out and towards me, I wished I’d had my camera on me, and the little bugger was so considerate and turned around and headed right back under the bed and so I ran to grab my camera and that’s how I was able to get all these pictures….just in case you were wondering if I’ve had my camera surgically attached to my arm or if I’m dorky enough to just carry the sucker around my neck 24/7….the answer is no. ‘Siah just went to play hide ‘n seek again, and I was ble to catch it second time around…helpful little bugger.


So, it’s Mother’s Day, eh?

It’s such a tough day for so many; for some it’s just another day, and for others, it is truly a day to celebrate.

I fall into all three of those categories – How about you?

This morning got off to a bit of a rough start. Jon was tired and a bit of a bag as he ever-so-slowly woke up, and was not happy to be awake. This is something I struggle with…my issue, not his….he doesn’t think through and process his emotions very well when he’s tired…there is no sense of social niceties, and often times it really rubs me the wrong way, because I do try to watch what I say and how I say it even when I’m tired, and so……well…lets just leave this one at that….He grouched at me this morning.

Then, in my efforts to try and find something that didn’t make me feel frumpy and fat – stupid Joe clothes – I tried on a vintage dress that I thought was fairly cute, and Jon told me that I looked fat and that it was ugly….now to be fair to him, he didn’t say those words exactly, but that was the gist of what he was politely saying…see he was more awake at this point.

So, I tried on all the rest of the clothes in my closet and drawers and settled on a nasty “blah” outfit.

Then we were on our way for the day…..the rest of the morning was okay, I guess. See, we’ve not done a ton in the past few years just because we’ve not had the extra finances to splurge for things like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or Birthdays or Anniversary’s…the special days. We might have a meal after the kids go to bed or something like that, but we’ve not made a big deal out of the “special” days. So, this year really wasn’t any different from the past few except that we went and took Jon’s mom out for lunch…tis also meant that we were taking me out for lunch as well…YAH!

Now, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the babies I lost. 4 of them….it started with Nathaniel (Jan 05) and then Jesse (July 05) – who Jeremy lovingly named TANK, which always cracks me up because I imagine one tough little rugged, solid, chubby girl whenever I think of that – the there was Julia (March 06) – she was my tiniest little girl, we actually got to see her, and that helped and hurt all at the same time….I was coping so well with the loss (not really, I was just shutting down and ignoring everything) until circumstances actually allowed us to see her – they are so tiny at 12 weeks along, but look just perfect. The last baby, I named Joshua (Aug 06).

In December of 2006 we found out that we were expecting again, and while so excited – I really wasn’t certain if I’d be able to actually hold and cuddle a live baby. This Mother’s Day is the first one since Jan 2005 that I haven’t absolutely dreaded the day. It felt so disrespectful to my living children to be so sad on Mother’s Day, and yet it felt so disrespectful to be happy on Mother’s Day, and really, I had no idea if I would ever get another chance to be a mother to a brand new baby. Those were a very tough couple of years.

It’s still difficult.

But today, I also though of my Dad. His mom died of cancer in July 2001. He and my mom went and celebrated Mother’s Day with her mom……that must be hard. It’s nice to remember all the good times, but still hard when your mom is not around anymore and there is a whole day dedicated to Mom’s and your’s is no longer around.

I also thought of those people who don’t know who their real mother’s are or who have a strained relationship with their mother or who (hopefully) have mother figures in their lives……

I do hope that all of you had a Mother’s Day full of memories…and whether they are good or bad….you’re here and that means that someone brought you into this world and hopefully you are thankful to be here.

I know that I’m thankful. I love you, Momma!

I’m thankful for my Mom’s. I’m thankful for my children. I’m thankful for those ladies who have poured love and wisdom into me. I’m thankful for my Grandmothers.

Today I remember and I’m thankful.

Just a Trim

So, this was Jon this morning. Sexy, isn’t he? Ha Ha Ha – I tried to cut off the chest rug so that you all wouldn’t be mesmerized by it. Wouldn’t want anyone having lustful thoughts from anything on my website, now, would I? Hee Hee!

He’s been after me for a while to trim his hair and well…it just hasn’t happened yet. Between his working from 9am to 11pm for the past 3 weeks….and our 4 little darlings who require aboslutely no effort at all, you’d think we’d have TONS of time to just lay around and do whatever we fancy eh? Yah Right!

Jon has THE MOST AMAZING HAIR EVER. If he does it! It has the perfect amount of wave and curl and for someone who has freaky staright hair….I often find myself jealous of his hair. Now, if he doesn’t do anything to it – it ends up looking HUGE….like bigger than HUGE, and poofy and fluffy and just general all over nasty.

This is a FABULOUS side view of…..


Brutal, eh?

See what I mean about the largness, and……..it’s gotten to the point that all he does is put it in a ponytail or a bandanna, and while I love the long hair, the bandanna is not my favorite look, and a pony tail day after day after day gets to be a bit much, also.

We are going in to see Jon’s Mom tomorrow and because I don’t want to be embarrassed by “THE MANE” and the 4 inch roots that were showing up so badly against the dead, split end, bleached white tips love him so darn much I thought that today would be a great day to hack have at it.

And, because he’s such a good sport he let me take those pictures for you all to gawk at his see his “HAWTNESS”. It’s either that or else he’s given up on any hope of privacy in our family because I pretty let it all hang loose for you all….you know…unless I’m being all cryptic…..which I ALMOST NEVER DO!

So, I started hacking, and I hacked and I hacked and I hacked and I hacked. Before long it looked like we had a rodent massacre all over our kitchen floor.

The dude seriously has a freakload of hair. This is the “before it’s actually done” shot. Can you see the difference? I shoulda taken a picture of the floor. You woulda been AMAZED at HOW. MUCH. HAIR. I actually cut off. Truley, truley unbelievable!

And this….this right here…..this is the MONEY shot.

If you compare the before and after side views, you can see just how much of a differece the hair cut actually made. I’m not 100% sold on my hair cut…there are some times that I cut his hair that I LOVE what I’ve done, and other’s…not so much! This seems to be one of those “not so much” times. Not that there’s really anythig wrong with the hair cut, but “something” and I’m not sure what it is is just not “clicking” for me. I’m also still deciding if I’m gonna streak it with blond streaks or if we’re just going to leave it. See, when we cut off all the ends, then you don’t notice the roots so much because now you can’t see the major difference between the white tips and the brown roots…now it’s just more of a darker halo…’cause he’s just a dark angel.

Alright, there are enough CAPS and “quotes” in the post to hurt someone and so I’m just gonna stop!


Lovin’ Us Some Country Music

We had a HUGE discussion with some friends of ours….one of whom believes that country music is absolutey wrong…..which of course sparked a HUGE backlash from those of us who believe that country music is as vital to living as breathing is.

In an effort to teach my children to grow up to be proper, well behaved members of society, we indoctrinate them with country music ALL. DAY. LONG……in fact my baby has the radio in his bedroom tuned to the local country music radio station – you know….like white noise…..only better.

We gotta raise these little rednecks properly, and to show you how good of a job we’re doing….

Here’s ‘Siah groovin’ to a little Rascal Flatts.

A Bit Better of A Day

That’s what y’all want to hear, isn’t it?

Well, it’s true…it was a bit better of a day, and for no particular reason either.

I played with ‘Siah quite a bit today….met for coffee with a friend of mine first thing and then basically just bummed around the rest of the day, and it’s not because I am SOOOO organized that I have nothing left to do, – no, it’s just because it’s really tough to get stuff done with a 20+ pound weight attached to your side.

So, I’m going with the flow.  Which I have to say is a bit strange for me…I’m not your typical easy going, take life as it comes type of person, but I must be becoming that person as I’m doing more and more of that kind of “stuff”.

I’m finding this whole having a baby more than 10 years after having my first, to be a TOTALLY different experience. I’m WAY more relaxed and I’m really “enjoying” things this time around.  It feels like I was in survival mode with the first 3, and there were all sorts of little things that I totally took for granted.  It was so easy to get busy and to try to make them fit into my life and I just let so much precious time slip by. 

There were the things that I rushed them through to do, like standing and walking and talking and drinking out of a cup..not that any of these things are bad, but I really pushed them on my kids ’cause it was so cute and it helped them to grow up and I was tired and so it was easier for me, and I  wanted them to hurry up and grow up so that they would move onto the “next stage”, the “easier stage”……so many moments rushed and wasted.  Moments that I can never get back.

I’m so thankful to be able to experience this whole baby thing this time around…I wouldn’t wish to go through the past 3 years ever again, but were it not for all of that…..I wouldn’t have had Josiah and he is so precious, and I’m so thankful to have him….even at 4am when he won’t settle down until after 5am….that is fun, and I AM SO THANKFUL for that…..;P

So, today was a much better day, and I just want to say thanks for letting me know that you were listening and that you care.

Sad and Tired of it all

We’re going through some stuff right now and it’s been dragging on for a while now and as far as I can see there’s no end in sight.

I feel hurt and misunderstood and confused and upset and a little bit angry and I’m not even finished feeling all the feelings swirling around inside of me.

There is a small part of me that just wants to hide inside my house for the next however long and not come out and not talk to anyone and not have to deal with anyone beacause then I wouldn’t have to deal with anything and then maybe I could just ignore things for a while and feel at peace for a tiny bit of time.

I know it doens’t work like that, and I know that in the end….one day….many years from now (that’s meant to be funny – see “ha ha” trying to make light of the situation – is it working?) that we’ll look back on this and it won’t seem so overwhelming, but right now…right while it’s all in the thick of it, and I don’t know what to do or have anyone to talk to, it sucks?

You might wonder why I don’t have anyone to talk to, and I’ll try to explain….

See, I’m not going to talk about what’s going on.  I’m not going to say that there are sides or that anyone is right or wrong….all I’m willing to talk about is “How I feel….”  It is enough to say that we have come to a place where some decisions need to be made and it feels like regardless of what decison that we make….we are screwed.

I really can’t see the silver lining in any choice that we make, and I have no clue as to what the right choice is, or if there even is a right choice or if everything is a wrong choice and if we’re just trying to make the best wrong choice….how is that even possible…..

Well, it’s probably not the case – but it’s just how I’m feeling.

It feels like we’ve been left out in the desert to flail around in the hopes that we’ll find a path and that hopefully it’ll be the right one, and like I said….right now I’m finding it hard to even believe that there is a right one.

I just want to sit down and cry.  There are so many aspects and facets of this whole situation and it feels like an impossibility to ever be able to work through and come to conclusion on it all.

I hate that running away isn’t even an option….not that I really mean that, but that’s how I’m feeling…..I’m sad and tired of it all.

It hurts!

Tomorrow will be a better day, right?

4:21pm – Edited to Add

I really didn’t do a very god job of explaining all of this, and for that I apologize.

I’m not willing to talk about all of this because I only want to share what I’m feeling and not end up saying something that would ever end up hurting someone else or making it sound like someone is at fault….this is not an “at fault situation” it’s just something that needs to be processed and some decisions made. We are just wanting to make the best decisions possible and to be able to move forward with “things” being as clear and concise and relational as possible.

I talk about wanting to run away, and that might be what I feel when it starts to feel jumbled and overwhelming for me, but I know that’s not an option and I know that it wouldn’t help anything. It’s just what I feel like when it all starts to “get” to me.

The emotions that I shared about……… feeling hurt and misunderstood and angry….I’m also feeling a whole ton of other emotions, so many and they are swirling around so fast that I’m struggling to even name them all myself. It feels like I’m feeling one way, and then there is something else to process and then I add other feelings and then there is something else to process and then I’m feeling other things and it’s just one giant whirlwind.

I need to be able to be open with how I’m feeling, even if I’m feeling like I can’t just lay it all out there.

And so that’s the reason why I’m brain dumping right now….this won’t all go away tomorrow and I know that there’s a better than even chance that I’ll still be upset about this tomorrow, but for some reason…it’s hitting me really hard today and I can’t just blather on about baking soda shampoo or Jeremy or any of the other things in my life that I blather on and on about…Don’t stress, this has been going on for almost 3 months now and if I’ve seemed okay to you, that’s because I mostly am…..I will be okay – eventually…it’s just a bad day and one day it won’t be any more – Oh how I long for that day.….Aren’t we all entitled to a bad day from time to time?

And I Had Such High Hopes…..

Man,  It’s been a few days, and I had totally hoped to post every day this month.  Looks like that ain’t happening, but I’m still planning on posting a whole lot more than I have in recent months…..okay, since ‘Siah was born….:hangsheadandsighs:

I looked back, and I’ve averaged about 10 posts per month….WOW, that’s not many, is it?  And some months it was even less….:shockedlook:

I wish I had some great emoticons on here, but I guess that would be the lazy way out because I’d end up using them and not trying to explain my emotions and feelings with words, and that’s a part of what “this” is all about.

I’m sitting here wihle waiting for the rice to boil.  Yup, it’s dinner time and I’m late.

I’ve been tired since Friday..well, I guess more accurately Saturday when we had SO MUCH FUN with our friends and then equally but a totally different SO MUCH FUN with ‘Siah.

So, today I slept.

Lemme back up a little.  Jon’s is working with a guy who is TOTALLY interested in the graphics side of web design, and seeing as Jon “figures” that it’s not his(Jon’s) forte(which is totally not true, but he stresses and so the stress of it ain’t worth it), he totally wants to work with this guy to help him along so that they oculd work together.

So, that screws up my Mondays…see, this guy is Amercian, from just across the border and he drives up to work with and learn from Jon,  on Mondays, and while that’s AWESOME….it would be even AWESOMER if I didn’t have someone in my house that I needed to feed and be all pleasant for (read get up and get dressed and put make up on and all that “stuff”).  I like to just keep it all low-key on Monday’s, but for now…..NO SUCH LUCK!

So, today I did get up and……….side conversation here…..

I took a shower today ’cause you all needed to know that and I washed my hair…haven’t done so since last Friday….and well. it really needed it, but so more so than it usually does for my regularly scheduled Tuesday washing….so I’ve used the baking soda again and once again, my hair feels fabulous…..so I think I’ll give this a shot for a while and once we run out of the high priced natural stuff, I’ll get the kids to try the baking soda as well….only thing is….if it gets in your mouth, it tastes gross……blech.

Okay, I just re-read that last paragraph, and I wash or bathe DAILY, but only take a shower twice a week…..just so you don’t think that I’m sitting over here stewing in my own filth.  I can’t go to bed dirty……and now that I’ve shared WAY MORE information than you really wanted to know about me….we’ll move right back into whatever it was that we were talking about before I veered off topic….

So, today I did get up and took a shower and then put on clean clothes, because that’s just the right thing to do, BUT……I did dig out a pair of comfy clothes (sweats) and today has been my lazy day.  I did NOTHING, and when ‘Siah went down for his morning nap I laid down with him and he slept for an hour and I did had hideous asleep/not asleep thing where you get up feeling WAY worse than you did beofre you laid down, because you were just teased with sleeping but didn’t actually really get to fall asleep….that was NOT FUN!

So then we wasted away a few more hours and about 1:30, he started showing signs that he might be ready to sleep again…..and so we went and laid down and slept.


We woke up at 4:15, and I actually feel like I’m able to function.  So, I’ve got dinner on and I’m posting while I’m waiting for the rice – it’s brown and wild rice and so takes 45 minutes to steam, and so I got a few minutes….

So, i think that post was about a WHOLE. LOTTA. NOTHING, but I’ll look through my pics that I’ve taken recently and see if I can come up with something WAY MORE EXCITING for tomorrow.

I also need to get back to “my list of important things”  I’v got a few things to comment on about that, and well……I’ve always got lots to blather on about….it’s just time and energy, eh?


We had a poker night last night.  This is our 4th month that we’ve had a poker night….First Friday or Satrday of the month..two games…$5 per game…runner up gets their money back, and the winner gets the rest….It’s a BLAST!

So, everyone showed up arund 7ish and we hung out and finally got the first game going around 8pm….we wrapped up the 2nd game and chatted a bit more and just as everyone was getting ready to leave around midnight….SIAH WAKES UP.

….and starts to scream…..and scream…..and scream……and scream….

Long story short…he screamed for over an hour and then we finally gave up and I nursed him and he fell asleep. 

BUT….that meant that we didn’t get to sleep until after 1am…..and then the little stinker was awake and HAPPY!?!!?!??! at 6am….UNREAL!

Now, I must say that I think the green smoothies must be doing something, because I don’t ever remember crawing outta bed at 6:30am on a Saturday morning…or heck, ANY morning EVER at 6:30am and being fairly awake and fairly cheerful and not feeling like death has enveloped me and is trying to drag me back into the pit of hell.

But, the afternoon sleepies have hit, and I’d love nothing more than to just crawl back into my nice feather bed and go to sleep…..

I might need to go and make another “Shrek Shake” or “Swamp Shake” as J is now calling them.

We actually met up with my parents for breakfast this morning.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen them, and well, I don’t think that a “Ricky’s” breakfast really counts as “quality time”, but it’s better than nothing.   After breakfast, we had to do a bit of running around and we dragged Chris along with us (but not the same way that my mom dragged the lawnmower around with her back in the day – anyone remeber that story?)…..and it was good.  We hung out…..checked out some music videos and blathered on about unimportant stuff…all in all a good day.

Man, gotta go and get me a “pick me up”…..I’m fading here.

Peace Out!

trying somthing out…….

So, in an effort to, once again, simplify things…I’ve been reading…..about “no ‘poo” and I’ve decided that is the STUPIDEST name or title EVER!

But, I am going to try it out….

You can read for yourself here and here all about it – if you so choose.

I am not sure if I read it somewhere or if I just “brain-ed” it all by myself, but for a lot of things, I am trying to stick with 3 ingredients or less.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t make a dinner if it has 4 or 5 ingredients or that I’ll limit what goes into our food to 3 ingredients, but for things that come pre-made, I am trying to stick to items that have 3 ingredients or less….so Shampoo….we’ve already bought stuff that has no SLS and now I’ve been reading about going the No Shampoo route….basically you use baking soda and then you can rinse with apple cider vinegar or somthing else….

Today was the first time that I used the baking soda and while it was a little strange to be rubbing watery baking soda into my scalp and hair…I gamely continued on.  Hey, it won’t hurt anything and what’s the harm in trying it out….it would be a FREAKLOAD cheaper than buying our non-SLS shampoo.

I never did use the apple cider vinegar rinse, mostly because we don’t have any at home right now.

I was a little nervous to blowdry and do my hair, but I am quite surprised at how soft it feels AND it has volume and I’ve not put ANY product in it…yet.

I also found, in the bottom of that second link, a recipe for hairspray….and I need to go shopping this weekend, and I think I’ll be picking up some lemons, just to give it a try.

From what I’ve read,I might experience a bit of a nasty stage where my hair might be overly greasy and you can be sure that I’ll kep you posted on how all this goes, BUT if it does all work out gloriously, then I’ll be THRILLED because it means more “stuff” that we can cut down on buying and it’s cheaper…..LOTS CHEAPER….and I like lots cheaper.

Have any of you tried this, and if so did/does it work for you?

…and the NO TV week continues….

I didn’t mention it, but we started a week of NO TV on Sunday and here we are on day 5 of our NO TV week, and it’s gone amazingly well.  I believe that there was a big official thing last week or maybe even the week before, but we’re a bit behind the times, and I don’t think that it matters that I’m a week or so off.

I’m surprised at how often the kids turn to the TV just as a default….it’s unreal. At first, I’d go in and have to remind them it seemed like every few seconds.  We’d just get it turned off and then another child would come it and turn it on again…. It was almost robotic……come home from schoool and turn the TV on….get a snack and turn the TV on…..got to the washroom and turn the TV on…..come in from playing outside and turn the TV on…you get the picture.

I’m not sure what to do going forward.  The kids have always had a pretty good imagination, and so it’s not like they were freaking out and had no idea what to do with themselves, but more that right now, they are having to come up with ideas and plans of “stuff” to do to entertain themselves.   I think that it’s the planning – actually thinking about having to do something that was just getting them…..

I am not sure if I should continue on with limited TV or even with NO TV for another week….but maybe let them watch a DVD once or twice…I don’t know…..I like the idea of it not being “the thing” they turn to because they don’t know what to do with themselves.  Think child…..THINK!  Think of somthing fun to do, something creative, something that requires that you expend energy….

I think the thing that has been most surprising to me has been ME.  I figured that I’d probably watch TV in the evenings during our NO TV week because that’s what I do.

‘Siah nurses to sleep at 8pm and I usually sit down and watch something and then once he’s alseep and in his bed, I’ll knit or crochet or do some digital scrapbooking or something like that with the TV on in the background.  It’s just down time for me, and I don’t watch daytime television so that’s not an issue.

Last night was the first time that I sat down and watched something, and it was the last half of a movie, on my computer, in bed….and then I went to sleep.  I’ve been alone in the evenings  this week and have managed to keep myself fairly busy, but last night I was just tired.

Jon’s been working looooong hours 9-5 during the daytime and then from 8-11 or 12 in the evening….He’s just trying to get caught up.  It seems like a bunch of work has come in all at once, and he was feeling a bit overwhelmed, and so we decided to just do what we could to plow through a pile of it, BUT….that makes for very, VERY long days….hopefully by the end of this week, he’ll be caught up enough that we can go back to normal hours….or even just one or two night a week where he works in the evening.

So, this week has been a success (pretty much) and I can see us doing regular NO TV Weeks, or maybe even just picking set times for the kids to watch a show or movie….it’s actually been more peaceful in the house with the TV off…..go figure.