Sad and Tired of it all

We’re going through some stuff right now and it’s been dragging on for a while now and as far as I can see there’s no end in sight.

I feel hurt and misunderstood and confused and upset and a little bit angry and I’m not even finished feeling all the feelings swirling around inside of me.

There is a small part of me that just wants to hide inside my house for the next however long and not come out and not talk to anyone and not have to deal with anyone beacause then I wouldn’t have to deal with anything and then maybe I could just ignore things for a while and feel at peace for a tiny bit of time.

I know it doens’t work like that, and I know that in the end….one day….many years from now (that’s meant to be funny – see “ha ha” trying to make light of the situation – is it working?) that we’ll look back on this and it won’t seem so overwhelming, but right now…right while it’s all in the thick of it, and I don’t know what to do or have anyone to talk to, it sucks?

You might wonder why I don’t have anyone to talk to, and I’ll try to explain….

See, I’m not going to talk about what’s going on.  I’m not going to say that there are sides or that anyone is right or wrong….all I’m willing to talk about is “How I feel….”  It is enough to say that we have come to a place where some decisions need to be made and it feels like regardless of what decison that we make….we are screwed.

I really can’t see the silver lining in any choice that we make, and I have no clue as to what the right choice is, or if there even is a right choice or if everything is a wrong choice and if we’re just trying to make the best wrong choice….how is that even possible…..

Well, it’s probably not the case – but it’s just how I’m feeling.

It feels like we’ve been left out in the desert to flail around in the hopes that we’ll find a path and that hopefully it’ll be the right one, and like I said….right now I’m finding it hard to even believe that there is a right one.

I just want to sit down and cry.  There are so many aspects and facets of this whole situation and it feels like an impossibility to ever be able to work through and come to conclusion on it all.

I hate that running away isn’t even an option….not that I really mean that, but that’s how I’m feeling…..I’m sad and tired of it all.

It hurts!

Tomorrow will be a better day, right?

4:21pm – Edited to Add

I really didn’t do a very god job of explaining all of this, and for that I apologize.

I’m not willing to talk about all of this because I only want to share what I’m feeling and not end up saying something that would ever end up hurting someone else or making it sound like someone is at fault….this is not an “at fault situation” it’s just something that needs to be processed and some decisions made. We are just wanting to make the best decisions possible and to be able to move forward with “things” being as clear and concise and relational as possible.

I talk about wanting to run away, and that might be what I feel when it starts to feel jumbled and overwhelming for me, but I know that’s not an option and I know that it wouldn’t help anything. It’s just what I feel like when it all starts to “get” to me.

The emotions that I shared about……… feeling hurt and misunderstood and angry….I’m also feeling a whole ton of other emotions, so many and they are swirling around so fast that I’m struggling to even name them all myself. It feels like I’m feeling one way, and then there is something else to process and then I add other feelings and then there is something else to process and then I’m feeling other things and it’s just one giant whirlwind.

I need to be able to be open with how I’m feeling, even if I’m feeling like I can’t just lay it all out there.

And so that’s the reason why I’m brain dumping right now….this won’t all go away tomorrow and I know that there’s a better than even chance that I’ll still be upset about this tomorrow, but for some reason…it’s hitting me really hard today and I can’t just blather on about baking soda shampoo or Jeremy or any of the other things in my life that I blather on and on about…Don’t stress, this has been going on for almost 3 months now and if I’ve seemed okay to you, that’s because I mostly am…..I will be okay – eventually…it’s just a bad day and one day it won’t be any more – Oh how I long for that day.….Aren’t we all entitled to a bad day from time to time?

And I Had Such High Hopes…..

Man,  It’s been a few days, and I had totally hoped to post every day this month.  Looks like that ain’t happening, but I’m still planning on posting a whole lot more than I have in recent months…..okay, since ‘Siah was born….:hangsheadandsighs:

I looked back, and I’ve averaged about 10 posts per month….WOW, that’s not many, is it?  And some months it was even less….:shockedlook:

I wish I had some great emoticons on here, but I guess that would be the lazy way out because I’d end up using them and not trying to explain my emotions and feelings with words, and that’s a part of what “this” is all about.

I’m sitting here wihle waiting for the rice to boil.  Yup, it’s dinner time and I’m late.

I’ve been tired since Friday..well, I guess more accurately Saturday when we had SO MUCH FUN with our friends and then equally but a totally different SO MUCH FUN with ‘Siah.

So, today I slept.

Lemme back up a little.  Jon’s is working with a guy who is TOTALLY interested in the graphics side of web design, and seeing as Jon “figures” that it’s not his(Jon’s) forte(which is totally not true, but he stresses and so the stress of it ain’t worth it), he totally wants to work with this guy to help him along so that they oculd work together.

So, that screws up my Mondays…see, this guy is Amercian, from just across the border and he drives up to work with and learn from Jon,  on Mondays, and while that’s AWESOME….it would be even AWESOMER if I didn’t have someone in my house that I needed to feed and be all pleasant for (read get up and get dressed and put make up on and all that “stuff”).  I like to just keep it all low-key on Monday’s, but for now…..NO SUCH LUCK!

So, today I did get up and……….side conversation here…..

I took a shower today ’cause you all needed to know that and I washed my hair…haven’t done so since last Friday….and well. it really needed it, but so more so than it usually does for my regularly scheduled Tuesday washing….so I’ve used the baking soda again and once again, my hair feels fabulous… I think I’ll give this a shot for a while and once we run out of the high priced natural stuff, I’ll get the kids to try the baking soda as well….only thing is….if it gets in your mouth, it tastes gross……blech.

Okay, I just re-read that last paragraph, and I wash or bathe DAILY, but only take a shower twice a week…..just so you don’t think that I’m sitting over here stewing in my own filth.  I can’t go to bed dirty……and now that I’ve shared WAY MORE information than you really wanted to know about me….we’ll move right back into whatever it was that we were talking about before I veered off topic….

So, today I did get up and took a shower and then put on clean clothes, because that’s just the right thing to do, BUT……I did dig out a pair of comfy clothes (sweats) and today has been my lazy day.  I did NOTHING, and when ‘Siah went down for his morning nap I laid down with him and he slept for an hour and I did had hideous asleep/not asleep thing where you get up feeling WAY worse than you did beofre you laid down, because you were just teased with sleeping but didn’t actually really get to fall asleep….that was NOT FUN!

So then we wasted away a few more hours and about 1:30, he started showing signs that he might be ready to sleep again…..and so we went and laid down and slept.


We woke up at 4:15, and I actually feel like I’m able to function.  So, I’ve got dinner on and I’m posting while I’m waiting for the rice – it’s brown and wild rice and so takes 45 minutes to steam, and so I got a few minutes….

So, i think that post was about a WHOLE. LOTTA. NOTHING, but I’ll look through my pics that I’ve taken recently and see if I can come up with something WAY MORE EXCITING for tomorrow.

I also need to get back to “my list of important things”  I’v got a few things to comment on about that, and well……I’ve always got lots to blather on about….it’s just time and energy, eh?


We had a poker night last night.  This is our 4th month that we’ve had a poker night….First Friday or Satrday of the month..two games…$5 per game…runner up gets their money back, and the winner gets the rest….It’s a BLAST!

So, everyone showed up arund 7ish and we hung out and finally got the first game going around 8pm….we wrapped up the 2nd game and chatted a bit more and just as everyone was getting ready to leave around midnight….SIAH WAKES UP.

….and starts to scream…..and scream…..and scream……and scream….

Long story short…he screamed for over an hour and then we finally gave up and I nursed him and he fell asleep. 

BUT….that meant that we didn’t get to sleep until after 1am…..and then the little stinker was awake and HAPPY!?!!?!??! at 6am….UNREAL!

Now, I must say that I think the green smoothies must be doing something, because I don’t ever remember crawing outta bed at 6:30am on a Saturday morning…or heck, ANY morning EVER at 6:30am and being fairly awake and fairly cheerful and not feeling like death has enveloped me and is trying to drag me back into the pit of hell.

But, the afternoon sleepies have hit, and I’d love nothing more than to just crawl back into my nice feather bed and go to sleep…..

I might need to go and make another “Shrek Shake” or “Swamp Shake” as J is now calling them.

We actually met up with my parents for breakfast this morning.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen them, and well, I don’t think that a “Ricky’s” breakfast really counts as “quality time”, but it’s better than nothing.   After breakfast, we had to do a bit of running around and we dragged Chris along with us (but not the same way that my mom dragged the lawnmower around with her back in the day – anyone remeber that story?)…..and it was good.  We hung out…..checked out some music videos and blathered on about unimportant stuff…all in all a good day.

Man, gotta go and get me a “pick me up”…..I’m fading here.

Peace Out!

trying somthing out…….

So, in an effort to, once again, simplify things…I’ve been reading…..about “no ‘poo” and I’ve decided that is the STUPIDEST name or title EVER!

But, I am going to try it out….

You can read for yourself here and here all about it – if you so choose.

I am not sure if I read it somewhere or if I just “brain-ed” it all by myself, but for a lot of things, I am trying to stick with 3 ingredients or less.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t make a dinner if it has 4 or 5 ingredients or that I’ll limit what goes into our food to 3 ingredients, but for things that come pre-made, I am trying to stick to items that have 3 ingredients or less….so Shampoo….we’ve already bought stuff that has no SLS and now I’ve been reading about going the No Shampoo route….basically you use baking soda and then you can rinse with apple cider vinegar or somthing else….

Today was the first time that I used the baking soda and while it was a little strange to be rubbing watery baking soda into my scalp and hair…I gamely continued on.  Hey, it won’t hurt anything and what’s the harm in trying it out….it would be a FREAKLOAD cheaper than buying our non-SLS shampoo.

I never did use the apple cider vinegar rinse, mostly because we don’t have any at home right now.

I was a little nervous to blowdry and do my hair, but I am quite surprised at how soft it feels AND it has volume and I’ve not put ANY product in it…yet.

I also found, in the bottom of that second link, a recipe for hairspray….and I need to go shopping this weekend, and I think I’ll be picking up some lemons, just to give it a try.

From what I’ve read,I might experience a bit of a nasty stage where my hair might be overly greasy and you can be sure that I’ll kep you posted on how all this goes, BUT if it does all work out gloriously, then I’ll be THRILLED because it means more “stuff” that we can cut down on buying and it’s cheaper…..LOTS CHEAPER….and I like lots cheaper.

Have any of you tried this, and if so did/does it work for you?

…and the NO TV week continues….

I didn’t mention it, but we started a week of NO TV on Sunday and here we are on day 5 of our NO TV week, and it’s gone amazingly well.  I believe that there was a big official thing last week or maybe even the week before, but we’re a bit behind the times, and I don’t think that it matters that I’m a week or so off.

I’m surprised at how often the kids turn to the TV just as a default….it’s unreal. At first, I’d go in and have to remind them it seemed like every few seconds.  We’d just get it turned off and then another child would come it and turn it on again…. It was almost robotic……come home from schoool and turn the TV on….get a snack and turn the TV on… to the washroom and turn the TV on…..come in from playing outside and turn the TV on…you get the picture.

I’m not sure what to do going forward.  The kids have always had a pretty good imagination, and so it’s not like they were freaking out and had no idea what to do with themselves, but more that right now, they are having to come up with ideas and plans of “stuff” to do to entertain themselves.   I think that it’s the planning – actually thinking about having to do something that was just getting them…..

I am not sure if I should continue on with limited TV or even with NO TV for another week….but maybe let them watch a DVD once or twice…I don’t know…..I like the idea of it not being “the thing” they turn to because they don’t know what to do with themselves.  Think child…..THINK!  Think of somthing fun to do, something creative, something that requires that you expend energy….

I think the thing that has been most surprising to me has been ME.  I figured that I’d probably watch TV in the evenings during our NO TV week because that’s what I do.

‘Siah nurses to sleep at 8pm and I usually sit down and watch something and then once he’s alseep and in his bed, I’ll knit or crochet or do some digital scrapbooking or something like that with the TV on in the background.  It’s just down time for me, and I don’t watch daytime television so that’s not an issue.

Last night was the first time that I sat down and watched something, and it was the last half of a movie, on my computer, in bed….and then I went to sleep.  I’ve been alone in the evenings  this week and have managed to keep myself fairly busy, but last night I was just tired.

Jon’s been working looooong hours 9-5 during the daytime and then from 8-11 or 12 in the evening….He’s just trying to get caught up.  It seems like a bunch of work has come in all at once, and he was feeling a bit overwhelmed, and so we decided to just do what we could to plow through a pile of it, BUT….that makes for very, VERY long days….hopefully by the end of this week, he’ll be caught up enough that we can go back to normal hours….or even just one or two night a week where he works in the evening.

So, this week has been a success (pretty much) and I can see us doing regular NO TV Weeks, or maybe even just picking set times for the kids to watch a show or movie….it’s actually been more peaceful in the house with the TV off…..go figure.

Remembering what it’s all about

I took the boys back to the Naturopath last Friday and then again yesterday.

We got them retested to see what things are still showing up as intolerances.  Josiah is doing really well.  He’s cleared most of the food intolerances except for the things that you wouldn’t expect to give to babies….like egg yolks and grapefruit and…..looking at the list…raspberries, chocolate…that sort of things, but the dairy is still showing a super bad reaction.

I know that through out all of my testing, the dairy has never budged at all…it’s been a highly intolerant thing for me too, and also for the other 3 kids, although they’ve shown some slight changes when it comes to cheese, but for now we are just sticking away from dairy all together.

 So, She has put both ‘Siah and I on a med. to desensitize us from dairy and we’ll see how it goes from there.  I’m supposed to try adding in some butter and some yogurt in two weeks and to see if he has any reactions. 

He (Josiah) has actually been doing AMAZING.  His skin looks so clear, and if you didn’t know that he’d had such bad exczema – you’d never be able to tell a thing.  There are some tiny rough patches in front of his ears almost on his cheeks, but they are mostly skin colored and pretty much only I notice them.

We’ve had no barfing  issues and no poop issues, and if we can get this dairy thing worked out, then…then….we’ll be good to go.  As it is, I’ve been able to add a bunch of stuff back into my diet now, things like soy – actually that’s a HUGE one…almost as big as dairy and in fact for us and the way we eat – it is bigger than dairy….so I was SOOOO glad to have that back on the menu and lots of other insignificant foods (lke bananas) that I won’ get into.

Now Jeremy on the other hand…….

Oh, where to even start. 

We had SUCH a good day on Saturday and Sunday morning.  He started to ramp up on Sunday Afternoon and then for absolutely no reason that we can come up with, Monday and Tuesday were absolutely hellish.  The mornings started off bad, and he couldn’t focus on ANYTHING, and we found out on Tuesday that he had peed on the changeroom floor on Monday afternoon.  It was to be a prank….water on the floor to slip on….but seriously, son…..peeing on the floor.

He was absolutely wired for our appt with Dr. Cathy and so she got to see the full on ADD/ADHD side of him – no holds barred.  It hasn’t been this bad in a while.

We talked about the fact that for all the treatments we’ve done, basically we had a drastic improvement when we altered his diet, then we did the Vaccine thingy on him and he went absolutely wild and then only came down a little….basically he was at a 7/8 before we started with the Naturopath, and then we changed his diet and he came down to a 5/4/3 totally livable, in my opinion, then we did the vaccine thing, and he went up to a 10+ and then even though it was supposed to help flush out of his system we’ve only come down to a8/9 since then….how frustrating is that…and then…….we’ve plateaued….and that has been the MOST frustrating thing.

She talked about how she just went to a training session done by a naturopathic pediatrician, and and how this pediatrician has tried most of the things that we’ve done on Jeremy with kids who were WAY worse and they’ve had AMAZING results.  So we’ve done all the right things, why aren’t we seeing the results….I can only hope that once we figure out the “thing” that’s keeping all this from falling into place that Jeremy will be the most healthy kid EVER.

We’ve attacked this from so many different angels, but one thing she hasn’t done is to deal with the brain, th nervous system, and so for the next three weeks, we are giving him some help in that area, and if we don’t see any drastic improvement over the next three weeks, then I think that we might just trysome good ol’ fashioned Ritalin for the remainder of the school year. 

In the summer, we are going to be dealing with some more of the vaccine stressors, she thinks and I agree that a lot of this started and goes back to him reacting to the vaccines…I tend to agree.  So, that is where we stand right now.

It’s hard.  It’s hard to know what the best thing is to do for your child, and I think that even if we go the “Ritalin Route” for a while, that it’s only buying us and him and his teachers some time….It’s a mask….it’s not a fix.  It just gives some breathing room to be able to relax for a minute, and when it all comes down to it the focus is……finding out what caused this to happen in the first place and helping Jeremy’s body to be perfecty healthy so he doens’t have to deal with this.

This is hard.  For him, for us, for teachers, for friends, for random strangers….it’s hard when people look at this normal healthy little boy and wonder why he is acting the waye does, and to not be able to explain because it takes too long or it’s too involved or just because they wouldn’t understand.

And to see his little heart get crushed when someone doens’t want him around because of his behaviour or because he’s too difficult….that hurts him…it hurts me….

I wish that we didn’t have to deal with this, but we do and I am  happy with the outcome of yesterday’s appt because I’m focused again.  We are working towards finding out how we can help to balance and heal Jeremy’s body.  It will happen.  I believe it, even if it’s tking longer than I’d like….it’s like every thing we are doing is bringing him one step closer to the time when he will be able to function differently, easier, better than he can now.

That, I am excited about.

Jeremy Invites you Into His World

This cracks me up and there are so many little interesting and funny things, and I’m not sure if that’s because I’m his mom or because it really is funny.

Jeremy got onto some weird kick this weekend with being responsible and totally helping out and acting “like a 12 year old”…that was his big phrase this weekend….He was trying to act like a 12 year old boy.  He totally cleaned my TV room – it was spotless – down to the vacuuming and then he had to rearrange all the furniture to make it “new” looking.

But, he took this video and he talks to you like he knows you’re on the other side of the camera looking in and some of it is just so darn funny.

It’s long – like 4minutes and 45 seconds long and I’d loveto say go to 2 minutes and 27 seconds and listen then, but his “cuteness” is just spread out all the way along and if you have the 5 minutes to go and get a coffee you get a closer peek into Jeremy’s world and brain and well…..I’ve enjoyed it…a few times…

He has put the camera on a chair in the hall way down towards his bedroom and then he carries it around a bit as he goes to other rooms to do a few different things. Seriously, if you can spare the minutes – you’ll enjoy it….I think!

Gotta Teach That Kid to Whisper

We went to a wedding today.  the first one we’ve been to in a looooooong time.  I guess all out friends got married around the same time, and now we are seeing the next generation have at it, or maybe it’s just that we don’t have a lot of young singles in our church.

Anyway, we all got dressed up this morning and that in itself was a hoot seeing as most of what we own is bought at Superstore from the Joe collection for under $5…gotta love those cheap t-shirts.

 The bride and groom looked like babies, beautiful, lovely young babies, but babies none the less, made me feel terribly old with my 4 kids and all dressed up so “Mom” like….

They ceremony was nice too, not too short and lot too long, but try keeping a 9 month old quiet and also one little wriggly 7 year old still and quiet…it’s a recipe for a disaster.

We were most of the way through the ceremony and this couple had decided that the first act they would do as a couple was to wash each other’s feet as a sign of respect and love.

It’s not my cup of tea, but that has a lot to do with the fact that I CAN’T STAND FEET!

Baby feet are okay,and my kids feet (once they’ve been washed, I mean REALLY washed) are okay, sometimes, but most of the time – I have a foot aversion that starts somewhere about the time that baby’s turn into small children, and the feet get dirty and stinky and just plain yucky.

Well, who knew that you could pass a foot aversion on to your children, because as the bride knelt in a loving act of respect towards her new husband and gently while gazing adoringly into his eyes removes his shoe and sock from his right foot………Jeremy rather loudly whispers, “She’s touching his foot……THAT IS SO DISGUSTING.

This was said loud enough that the grooms brother who happened to be sitting across the aisle from us and 3 rows back…..busts a gut stifleing his laughter…he is doing the whole “lips pressed together, red faced, shoulder jiggling, clutching his sides, trying to hold himself together” thing.

It was awesome….that’s my boy.  Of course, we looked at him and told him to not be rude and to try to whisper a little quiter, but truth be told, I was thinking the same thing, and trying to imagine myself doing that to Jon and well……I just couldn’t go there…..FEET!  Yuck!

Working Out My List

It’s funny, (or maybe it’s not, but it is to me) that as I keep thinking about the “Important” things, that the list keeps getting longer and longer.

I’ve not actually written anything down, as of yet, and some of these are much more inclusive than just the word, but I’m just going to start with some of the things that I’ve been thinking about.


This means both my immediate family of 6 and my larger family as well.  I want to be available for my kids.  I will only ever have this time with them once.  And I want to make it count.  I want to be present, here and now.  not just at home when they come home from school, but off the computer, and actually paying attention to them.  I want to be able to help out with their homework and to teach them how to cook and bake and to do crafts with them.  I want to not be so tired from half assed doing other things that all I want to do is foist them off on the TV so that I can sit and veg. on the computer.  I want to grow in friendship and trust with them and to teach them how to communicate their feelings and wnats and desires and how to effectively communicate even the negative emotions. I want to have time to spend with my extended family.  I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandparents, and aunts and Uncles and Cousins and even their great grandparents and great aunts and uncles and second cousins.  Family is so important and I really want to have a sense of closeness in what is rapidly becoming such an “Island” world….I want to cultivate (as much as I can) the sense of “Village”.


This is a huge one including Food, cleaning, Exercise, and a buch of other stuff as well.  I want to be able to cook good healthy food for my kids and I want to train them to love to put healthy stuff into their bodies.  I don’t want it to be a fad…I want it to be a lifestyle.  Not so stringent that they feel the need to stuff their faces every time Mom or Dad isn’t looking, but I want them to be able to make good choices for the long haul.  I also want to make the healthiest choices regarding cleaning supplies.  At this point, the decision that slightly been taking out of our hands just because ‘Siah seems to have a reaction to SLS and so that means that we have to find alternatives, but now, I use things like vinegar for all my windows and mirrors and I think it works WAAAAAAY better than Windex ever did.  And I like the fact that my floor cleaner residue won’t get all over ‘Siah as he’s crawling around.  i could go on and on about this, but I’ll spare you.  Also, included in this section is exercise.  I HAVE to make time to exercise.  I WANT to make time to exercise and so it will be done.  It just hasn’t been done, yet….soon, though…soon!


I want to clearly set aside time and effort to put into Jon and I’s relationship.  I want it to be deliberate.  I don’t want to find out 20 years down the road that we wished that we had put the time it…..I want to continue to build on this GREAT friendship that we have and to be an example to our kids for years to come.


I want to have time planned for me to do things like the different crafts that I like to do.  Already since just trying to slow my life down, but not being entirely purposeful about it, I’ve crochetted or knitted two kimono style sweaters, three vests, a hat and I’ve started a few other pieces.  I made a bead necklace.  I’d like to paint some more and to do some more paper crafts as well.  I also want to set aside more time to find and make more healthy baking for my family.  I enjoy baking and to find stuff that we can all eat and that tastes delicious, that makes me happy and brings a sense of satisfaction.

None of this is in any particular order of importance and there are still more that I’m thinking about and even more to flesh out in each particular category, but it’s a start.  To know what I want helps me to see what I shouldn’t be doing. 

I think that I’ll be taking stock regularly of where I’m at and what’s important to me and why?  See, life changes and things move up and down the importance scale, and I’ve lived enough to know and recognize that just because this is where I’m at and these are the things that are important to me right now, that doesn’t mean that I get to go on autopilot like this for the rest of my life…..NO!  What was important to me in the months and years before I had Josiah changed when he came and when he turns 1 or 2 or 5 – it stands a good chance of changing again…in September it might all change or over the summer months or when Geli goes to middle school.  I think that any big life shift or change necessitates a peek inside as to what’s important to me “NOW”!  and how can I accomplish that and what needs to be re-evaluated and possibly let go of…for a time or forever…..

It’s about what’s important to you……..asking yourself “What is important to me?” and “How do I accomplish that?” 

If you want something enough, you will figure out a way to make it happen.

I want a slower, more simple life.


Exhibit A

He is just so cute…and trying so hard….see the arms, as if he could somehow hold up the hula hoop by sheer will power alone….and the arch in the back…’cause you know…that the problem…it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the dollar store hula hoop. Nope! Nothing at all.

And now, because the older sister can ALWAYS do something better than anyone else in the world….

Exhibt B

She is SOOOOO tall and skinny….it’s hard to believe that’s the same person who as a baby had a SERIOUSLY HUGE bum…like GINORMOUS…..enough so that many, MANY people commented on it….and now…..SO THIN! Do you see the short hair too….she got a haircut for her Birthday with her Nana! How fun is that. Only problem is now she looks sooooooo much older.