Anxiety

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Anxiety is a stupid thing. Sometimes I feel fine and at other times, it's all I can do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. This has been a tough weekend for me in fighting off the "Worry Dragons". This morning required extra war paint and breathing to get myself up and out the door. But I did and now I'm in bed, thankful that another day is done. #anxiety #thankfulness #mentalhealth #ididityoucantoo #keepfighting #yourenotalone
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I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I just didn’t know any different. I’ve talked about anxiety before on my blog but want to keep talking about it because I think talking about “life” is so very important.

Life is made up of good times and bad times. It’s not just this happily ever after and I believe that perpetuating that myth only makes others feel bad and question their own lives when they have bad days.

I’m totally of the opinion that it’s okay to say, “My life is hard, right now!” And for it to not be a “bad” thing that you are acknowledging that things feel tough. Life is not easy. It’s just life. Good and bad, happy and sad, the ups and the downs and even just the blah in-betweens. It’s all just apart of life.

I’ve found that when I share the good, people can be happy with me. Often, when I share the bad; I hear things like, “I feel like that too but I thought I was the only one!”

I find that our struggles can make us feel so alone and in that “aloneness” those “struggles” feel so much stronger than us and so powerful over us. But I’ve found that in sharing and speaking out about the tough times, that people join together and surround and support. And togetherness is so much more powerful than aloneness.

I’ve been on meds for Anxiety for about 7 months now and the difference is incredible. I’m not saying that you or anyone else needs to go on medication……I’m just saying that is what I decided to do as one method of coping and dealing with anxiety.

It’s made such a big difference in my life. I’m not even sure that I can adequately explain the difference it has made but for the first time that I can remember, I feel like the inside of me matches with the outside of me.

I’ve used control as a weapon in fighting anxiety when I wasn’t even sure what I was fighting or even that I needed to fight. But I tried to control every area of my life because inside of myself, I felt so out of control.

This “control” sometimes came off as standoffish or even snobbish. Which was the last thing I ever would have been. Scared is a better term and honestly, TERRIFIED is probably a more accurate description.

Anyway, I’ve been doing really well. It’s not like anxiety is completely gone but for the most part I can recognize that the anxious feelings I might be feeling are the anxiety and not something I need to hold on to and nurture.

Sometimes though it’s tough. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or stress related or just the crazy moon phases…….but sometimes the anxiety is harder to recognize or even if I recognize it……it’s just harder to fight off.

This weekend has been a tough one for me. I guess thinking back…….last week was tough for me too. Lots of “feeling insecure” and lots of “self doubt”. Lots of just wanting to hole up inside of my house and not having to see or talk to anyone. And yet, this week alone, we had 3 Drs appointments and a handful of other people related connections.

By this weekend, I was done. I was tired and worn out and just didn’t have the extra energy to keep fighting.

And then Geli broke her foot and then we had to call poison control and I was already feeling so uncertain and all I wanted to do was hide and not see or talk with anyone.

I doubt that most people I spoke with or interacted with today had any clue that I felt like a wreck. And it’s not that I was putting on a show or trying to be someone that I’m not……it’s just that things needed to get done. And I can help. And I can give and sometimes…….giving can actually help. It’s a funny thing, that giving thing. It actually “takes away” from yourself but I’ve found that what you get back in return is so much greater.

And so in the midst of my stress and anxiety and wanting to run away and hide……..I gave of and from myself.

It wasn’t easy. It required effort. It was tough. All I wanted to do was be antisocial and yet today was a day all about being social.

It wasn’t perfect. I could have participated more. I could have been more engaged. I could have been more outgoing.

But I wasn’t. I did the best I could given my particular frame of mind.

And in the theme of “being gentle with myself”…….it was good enough. I am good enough. On the good days and on the bad days……..I am enough!

I am enough!

Good appointments and not so good appointments

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5th metatarsal broken. Air Cast and crutches. Yee Haw! #gelijoy
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On Thursday, Angelica had a 6 month follow up appointment with Dr. Brown, the paediatric Orthopedic surgeon at BC Children’s hospital.

She had x-rays re-done, as some of the previous ones were 18 months old.

Backing up, we showed up at the hospital around 10 to 10. It is a freaking gong show down there now. I’m SO thankful we are done the intensive part of the treatment and rarely go. Because they are working on building the new hospital……there is little to no parking and unless you fluke out……the available parking is “miles” away. (Okay, I’m exaggerating a little; but not that much.)

I sent Geli in to sign in and I drove around to find a parking spot. Finally found one and headed in to meet her.

We waited for about 10 minutes and then miracle of all miracles…..we got placed in an exam room. That’s the quickest we’ve ever got in.

Dr. Brown is a fabulous dr and as so, is in high demand……which often means a tremendous wait.

I should have known that it was just too easy. We waited for over an hour and then a fellow came in. He was amazing. Totally didn’t catch his name but he was confident without being arrogant and had a great beside manner. He checked Geli out and said that Dr. Brown would be in shortly.

He made it in. Checked her out. Everyone is SO surprised that she is not in pain and not on lots of meds. It’s a miracle, really! But he sent us for x-rays just to see what was going on under the skin as it had been a while.

We got those done and headed back to the Ortho clinic to wait some more.

Got back into the exam room fairly quickly saw the fellow again and then saw Dr. Brown again.

They are very pleased with where Angelica is at. While there has been some bone deformity as a result of the avascular necrosis, and that deformity is what has inhibited movement in her left shoulder, right elbow and left knee. The Drs. have said that it looks like the bones may be revascularizing. (If that’s the correct word) but the deformity is still there. There are good spaces between the joints which seem to indicate that the cartilage is still doing well.

She is definitely a candidate for multiple joint replacement but seeing as she is not in any pain and the biggest issue is “awkwardness”…….they will push any talk of surgery off for as long as absolutely possible.

It was a LOOOOOONG day at the hospital but overall a good one. We have a follow up appt booked for………..a year from now! Yay! Unless there are issues, I’m which case we call and get in.

Talking about issues……..Angelica broke her foot today! Awesome!

She was down in the basement and while I thought she fell down the stairs…….apparently she fell…….while walking on the floor! Yah I know?????? Twisted her foot and broke one of the small bones in her foot.

I had “just” left to pick up Xandra from a friends house where she was at a sleepover when I got a call from Jon. He said, Geli had fallen down the stairs, landed on her foot, heard a pop, it was numb and hurt like crazy.

I picked up Xani, raced home and after deliberating……Jon and Geli headed off to the ER. That was just after 12:30pm.

They got to the ER, triage saw them and sent them to get an X-Ray and then they waited……….and waited and waited and waited and waited.

They finally saw the dr., got an air cast and crutches and $135 poorer came home.

While this isn’t really a HUGE deal comparatively……..it’s just another “thing.”

It’s another weekend screwed up with stressful activity and we are just tired.

We just feel so depleted. So thankful that it’s not a big deal, but it is……it’s 6+ weeks that I need to drive her to school before I drop Siah off at his school. It’s taking her to extra appointments. It’s hoping that she doesn’t loose extra strength in her legs while she recovers and isn’t able to do all her physio exercises. It’s extra work. It’s extra effort and well……..it’s just extra……