Morning Musings

So, This is the first in a LONG time that I’ve pulled an all-nighter. I have absolutely no idea with the issue was other than, I WAS WIDE AWAKE!!!!! I think that I dozed for a few minutes as Judah was falling asleep (for the second time) around 11ish and then…..I watched every hour cycle through. SO AWESOME!!!!!

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But, the sky looks amazing. My kids are all still sleeping. (Thank God because it’s only 5:45am and no one has had any meds yet. And I’m desperately hoping that Jon wakes up soon and makes some coffee…..) I’ve managed to lay around for 6 hours….when do I ever have that luxury? I scoured IMG_7339Pinterest for all those ideas that I have but never have the time to look into. I put a ton of books on hold at the Library. I’ve found a Summer Reading Log for Siah. I’m dressed and made up for the day and have only the slightest hint of a headache.

I feel like its going to be very necessary to “HAVE A PLAN” and to “KEEP ON MOVING”. I’ll admit that I’m just a little nervous that if I slow down at all, before tonight, that I might just crash and that would not be a good thing. It’s hard enough staying on top of my little monkey’s antics, without being tired. Throw in a night of no sleep and BAM! Mommy better have a plan.

I think I’m going to make everyone tidy up a bit (and change the wifi password so that they know I mean business) and then we are gonna get out of here. I have no exact plan, but I think I have almost an hour to figure it out before they start to wake up.

Do you have a plan for getting through the day after a tough night? Any tips from you shift workers, or those who regularly pull all-nighters? I could use a little help today.

The Ups and Downs of Life

I’ve been struggling lately.

And I’m feeling really worn down.

Which is crazy frustrating cause I’m pretty much doing all the right things…….sort of.

I’m exercising more than I ever have in my entire life…..all put together. I’m eating well (except for the last 3 days). I’m regularly taking my anti-anxiety meds. I could maybe get a little more sleep, but 7 hours a night isn’t too bad. The sun has been out (should probably be out in it more.) I’ve got tons of seedlings started for my garden, and dirt all piled up ready to go. So many good things…….

And yet, I wish I felt stronger…..more powerful, more capable, more in control….

Instead, I’m walking around feeling……weary, defeated, uncertain…..

It doesn’t feel good.

There are things that I think I should be proud of, accomplishments that are a good thing……I’ve lost over 15 pounds. I literally ran myself down a size in my running tights. (my last run in them was a horrible run because I literally had to hold them up the entire run cause they wouldn’t stay up and the extra roomy fabric caused some extreme chaffing in some sensitive areas……ahem!!) I also ran/walked 100 km’s in March. That’s kind of mind blowing to me because…..well I’ve never done that before. The highest km’s I had done in a month when I was running before was April 2013 and I managed a whopping 46 kms. So I more than doubled it. And today, I ran for 25 mins, no walking, no stopping. 35 mins in total with a 5 mins walking warm up and a 5 min walking cool down. That’s all good right. I even managed to pound out 4.5km in that 35 mins. So it’s not like I’m sprinting, but I kept up a steady pace……..

I’m just………I dunno. Today I actually felt depressed about my life. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since about 3/4 of the way through Angelica’s cancer treatment.

I posted a comment on Facebook the other night…..

Sometimes I think about the people who seem to have it all together and how everything seems to really work for them…..then I wonder if somebody might be thinking that about me and then I laugh and laugh and laugh – ’cause seriously?…….and then maybe, I cry. #sometimeslifesastruggle #onefootinfrontoftheother

……I was thinking about how it’s seemed like a tough run for us for the past…..well, it’s been a long time. Nathaniel died in Jan 2007 and there has been a lot of tragedy since then and there was quite a bit of stress in our lives (for differing reasons) before then. It’s not that there’s not been good. There has been so much good, but the tough stuff wears on you.

I got some varied responses and to be honest, I struggled with actually posting it, and re-wrote it a few times before settling on that wording. I was concerned how people might take it. I wasn’t whining and those who know me…..I think they “heard” my voice in those words.

I was more saying that sometimes I might think that there are those who seem to have it all together or seem like they have a fairly “normal” or “less stressful” life, but no one knows what is really going on, behind the scenes, unless they actually know them and have been given insight into the inner workings of their lives. I’ve had people comment to me that I seem to have it all together or that I can handle SO much……or that certain things don’t seem to faze me.

What I know is that my life is not perfect. It’s not easy and if for some weird and strange reason, I “seem” to have it all together……that’s totally not the reality.

I really,Really, REALLY do NOT have it all together.

And if it could possibly appear that I might have it all together…….. then my view of someone else having it all together may be completely off, as well. Everyone lives life…..and life has a tendency to be messy and real. And sometimes you just gotta laugh, and sometimes….it’s just too hard to laugh and well…..well, then you might cry. And that’s ok too.

Regardless, I hate feeling like this.
I hate feeling………”less than….”
I hate feeling overwhelmed.
I hate feeling like I’m drowning…..it’s that feeling that things are just piling up on top of you and you can never get enough done to just stay caught up; let alone ever getting ahead…….I hate that feeling.

I don’t want to feel like this, but probably the hardest thing for me right now is that I’m not sure how to “change” or “fix” this; and that’s tough.

I just keep reminding myself that season’s change and this one will too.

What do you do when you are feeling a bit down or overwhelmed? Any suggestions?

Running from or to?

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I started running in the beginning of March. I’m not sure if I was running away from something or running towards something. All I know is that I needed to do something…….and for some strange reason, running seemed like it fit what I was looking for.

I used to run…….a long time ago…….literally, a life time ago. When I was 16, I ran; and for the most part it was something to do to expend energy. I’ve never been particularly “athletic” but for a while I did run.

Not sure why I stopped but I did.

So I started again. After 20+ years, I’m not sure that you’d really call it running quite yet…….BUT…..I have been running in short intervals (and between extremely heavy breathing walking sections) and so I call it running.

About 2 weeks ago, I bought new runners and 2 runs after that, I landed one step badly on an uneven piece of curb and pulled my MCL.

I’m so bummed. I’ve been to physio. I’m icing it. I’m doing squats and lunges all to strengthen my quads and even though it seemed like my knees were good to go today……..not too long into my run (and walk). We had to slow up and walk.

I’m annoyed. I just want to run. I wonder…….I wonder about the whole “running away from” scenario. I wonder if I am just running towards this new phase off life. I wonder if I need to deal with stuff. I’m sure I do……..who doesn’t? Mostly I just want to run…..to feel the feeling that kicks in about half way into it…….to feel so good….

And I can’t…..not yet….but soon….

Paint, pain and chaos

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We are in the home stretch before we move. One month to go and I’m exhausted. There is still SO much to do but we will make it……we always do.

I’m sitting here in bed, icing my knees, in the middle of chaos. My room is a disaster……honestly, the house is a disaster AND we are starting school tomorrow in the middle of that disaster.

It feels like we got a fair amount accomplished but then when I go and look at my list……there is still so much to do even after I cross off all that we did today.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, a fresh start and maybe I’ll feel a bit more cheerful in the morning.

Trying to Hold On

It’s been a long two years and I’m finding that I’m at the end of myself.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. It’s more than just an “I have a 2 year old who wakes up at 5am” tired….

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Napping yesterday with Judah

It’s more of an “I have no idea how I’m still standing but I must carry on……” kind of tired.

I have no energy to call anyone or reach out to anyone or respond to e-mails….in fact, I am spending a ridiculous amount of energy just attempting to put these blog posts out there.

I want to be able to “DO” things, but I have no reserves left to draw from.

There are things that bring me life and although there is a small part of me that desperately wants to do these things……I don’t even really want to do them….and yet I do, in the hopes that I will be able to remind myself of who I was before “ALL OF THIS” happened.

And so, I make soap……which exhausts me and requires that Jon be there to walk me through it because I’m scared that I’ll make a mistake, forget something and wreck it. Something so stupid as following directions and mixing ingredients….much like making a cake……wrecks me. And says a lot to me about where I am at….

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And so I blog, even though I have to think and think and think and then delete; because what I’ve written isn’t what I want to say…….and that makes me feel so stupid because normally I LOVE WORDS. I love to be able to use words to share and encourage and inspire and even something that is normally first nature for me, requires a ton of effort…..and that says a lot to me about where I am at…..

I’ve been seeing a counselor for a while now because I want to feel better and in some ways I am, but it also feels like the more that I acknowledge how tough this journey has been and is….and the more we walk away from the intensely stressful times, the more difficult it is to hold myself together and continue carrying on. It’s like I’ve been living on adrenaline for the past two years and that alone is exhausting. The stress has done a number on me both physically and mentally.

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Someone’s having a sick day today. Middle of the night barfing sessions are NOT cool.

About 2 weeks ago, I said to Jon that I really needed to get away. Like, for my overall well being, I needed to get away. I’ve not wanted to “go away” because there were too many things that were unstable and the kids needed us……but I’m in a place where if I don’t get away….I feel like I will break down beyond what I can continue to hold together. I already feel incredibly broken.

I feel like, if I were a wagon….I used to be useful. I could carry many things and heavy things and now…..now I have a giant crack running through me and my wheels are broken and the straps and connectors that hold me to the “life” that is pulling me forward are so compromised. I feel like I’m sitting some place not useful or good for anything. And to be honest….it’s a horrible feeling. It’s a horrible feeling to feel like you HAVE to do things and to physically make yourself do things, like cleaning and laundry and meals and yet to not have the energy to do them. I don’t mean that in a flippant way, but literally….every time I do something, I am taking more and more out of my very being and there is so little left…..

I feel like this sounds so dramatic, and in someways I worry that it may come across the wrong way and yet…..to be honest, I don’t even have the energy to really get a good “worry” going on. Which in some ways, I guess is good, because we shouldn’t worry, but in other ways, it says a lot to me just about how rough of shape I am in because although I shouldn’t admit this….I have been a champion worrier in the past…….

Jon has booked some time away for us. Just he and I are going to Cabo at the beginning of July. It’s officially less than 30 days until we leave. I am so looking forward to a week of nothing. No responsibilities….no cooking….no cleaning….no one wanting me or needing me or taking from me….

I’m planning on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping some more. Sitting in the sun. Eating. I will probably cry….grieving all we’ve lost. And then I will come home; and I hope & pray that I will have a bit more to give, because I have ones who require it of me.

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Waking Up Happy

Miscommunication and misunderstanding……

Yesterday was another tough day.

We had our monthly chemo appointment in at Children’s on Monday and we got talking with our nurse about the what we “thought” was in the wings for Geli as far as knee replacements and surgery and time lines and the more we talked, the more it seemed like something just wasn’t right…..or that something was missing.

Long story short….what we thought was in the works for Geli regarding her knees and surgery and stuff….well, the reality is way no where close to what we had thought we understood.

There is a whole bunch of information that we don’t know and we are going in this coming up Wednesday for a meeting with our oncologist, our nurse clinician Jon, I and Geli.

It’s so frustrating. Geli has been in pain everyday all the time for a long time now. It’s wearing on her. It’s horrible for us to see her in pain.

I fell apart yesterday. Couldn’t stop crying. Don’t really have the energy to get into it all right now, but the bottom line…..something has to change.

We are praying like never before….for a miracle, for answers, for something.

Could you pray for us? We are beyond exhausted. Every blow feels like a HUGE hit and we are finding it harder and harder to cope with the blows and ever more difficult to recover from them.

I’d love to be able to explain a bit more, but I just don’t have it in me.

Pray for Geli
Pray for Jon and I
Pray for the kids

Thanks.

A Month at a Glance in Pictures.

I dumped all the pictures from my iPhone the other day and thought that rather than taking up a bunch of posts, I could just put all of these photos into one post and BAM! Get it all done.

I do still have one more post about our trip home from our vacation and I want to get it on here for memory sake, but it can wait one day….

October 9 – Mommy’s Little Helper

Judah helps me to load the dishwasher…such a helpful little guy

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October 11 – Gluten Free Pumpkin Pie & Chiro

I made a Gluten Free Pie Crust and it turned out fabulous. I was pretty excited.

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Geli had Chiro cause we are still dealing with the after effects of a year of intensive chemo.

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October 12 – Independence

Judah helps himself to some cereal. Not cool, Son!

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Still October 12 – Physio for Geli ..getting stronger and healthier!

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October 15 – Kathryn comes for a few days

Jon’s cousins Kathryn came over from Uganda, Africa and stayed with us for a weekend. It was AMAZING to see her and to spend some time with her. The time went by WAY TOO FAST!

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October 18th – Cranky Baby gets worn so Mommy can actually get some stuff done!

Being worn in a “wrap” transforms Cranky Baby into Happy Baby!

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Still October 18

Reference Photo so we can see “where” Geli is as as far as strength and mobility.

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October 21st – YOUTH!

Jeremy’s First Night at Youth – They had Nerf Gun Battle…it was pretty epic…they played in the whole church. How fun is that?

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…he was pretty excited about it and hasn’t stopped talking about it every since…almost every single day! Seriously!

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October 22nd – Homemade Pasta

I made Gluten Free Pasta from scratch…and it actually tasted pretty good.

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October 29 – CHEESE!

Pictures for Jack from Aunty and Judah

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And we carved pumpkins – although I am going to do a post on this because it’s tradition – and then we baked the seeds…that’s the best part. This is what 5 pumpkins worth of seeds looks like.

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October 31st – Siah’s Happy Pumpkin – I love him!

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October 31st – The Force is Strong with This One!

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October 31st – Butterfly

I didn’t dress up, but I did find a butterfly…and scared the crap out of my nephew…more on that story soon.

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November 1st – Gluten Free Crackers

I made these almond/cheese crackers and they taste like Cheese Nibs….I’ll definitely be making these again and cutting them into tiny one inch squares for a delicious snack.

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November 2nd – FIRE!!!

I used the self cleaning option on my oven and started a fire….and learned that I need to clean my oven more often…once every 2 years is just NOT ENOUGH! But it sure looks purty now!

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November 3rd – We’ve come a long way!

If you had told me ten years ago that I’d be eating fresh onion soup (like 3 whole onions chopped up), gluten free crackers and goat cheese – I’d had thought you were INSANE! And now this is just normal…a lot can change in ten years…

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November 3rd – Cranky Babies are not so easy or fun to take care of.

He’s been “not feeling well” for far too long!

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November 4th – Firsts!

Siah gets his first fillings at the dentist and ROCKS it like a champ.

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And that concludes a month of iPhone Photos…..Which one is your favorite?

ps….I’d love it if you’d check out my Etsy shop

Not as Planned

Today is not going exactly as planned.

Jon has just taken Angelica into BC Children’s Hospital (as of 9:30am, Monday morning.)

This has left me a bit shocked and I am really praying that Xandra and Jeremy handle the news better than I have. (I’ve already been crying and angry and upset and shocked and so confused and frustrated and really REALLY PISSED!)

Last night around 8pm Angelica came down to the kitchen to show me a rash that was in a stripe and started at the middle of her back and wrapped around hip and down onto her thigh. It was quite angry looking and some of the welts…..well, they weren’t weeping, but they looked close to it….

We called into the hospital and told them that we’d given her benadryl and put some hydrocortisone on the rash and they said that this didn’t sound like a complication of her chemo or the meds she was on and that we’d done the right thing and that was it.

So we sent her to bed.

Things have been a tough recently with Angelica because her body is so fragile and “broken down” from the past year of treatment. Her muscles have atrophied some and she has grown so on top of weaker smaller muscles they are also stretched and she hurts all the time. She walks like an old lady and…..and….well, she hates it all. She hates being in pain. She hates that shes not strong enough to just do “normal” things. And to top it all off….our insurance doesn’t cover her going to see a kinesiologist – which would be a way better treatment for her than Physiotherapy. It’s all so frustrating….

Yesterday we had a huge conversation with her (that involved a lot of tears) about her BELIEVING that she will get better. It has felt like she’s unsure about whether or not she’ll get better and be able to just be normal and strong when it’s been so long that she’s been hurting and feeling sick and weak and unable to just do the things that you and I take for granted.

She finally got to the place where she could say, with some conviction, that she believes that she will get better, get stronger, get healthier……

And then this rash shows up….

And then we have to call the school and have her paged to the office to be picked up…

And when she gets into the car, she has a bag packed for a possible extended hospital stay…

And this is all happening on the first “normal” day of her grade 9 school year….

And this is all happening after she stands and believes that she will get better…..

And this is all happening 2 weeks before we are supposed to leave for Angelica’s “Wish trip”….

And I’m a bit in shock about it all….

I want to believe that it’s going to be nothing and we’ll see them home in a few hours, but I’m scared to hope for the best and to be let down.

Jon and I had planned to spend a “down day” today on his day off. Cleaning up our grarage (which is still loaded with crap from our camping trip) and just spending some much needed time together….and instead we are gearing up for Anti-Viral’s or Antibiotics and Extended Hospital Stays or Who knows…..

Please pray.

Pray that Angelica will he healthy. That the two little boys will not get chicken pox from this. That Jon and Geli will be able to come home. That this won’t affect her Wish Trip. Just please pray!

I can do this…I have to do this. But I really don’t want to.

It sucks.

It sucks for her.
It sucks for me.
It sucks for all of us.

It just sucks!

A Moment To Breathe….

Jon sent me to Starbucks to get away from the house and kids for an hour or so on Saturday morning and while I avoided writing anything for the first hour, I figured that I should at least try to work out some of the crap that is banging around inside of me……..

Me

I’m sitting in Starbucks feeling like I should at the very least attempt to put my thoughts down onto paper.

I’ve been so all over the place recently and it’s frustrating me.

I want to be able to talk about how I’m feeling and why, but every time I think about what I want to say it all comes across whiney and needy and I hate that.

The church that Jon works for is going through a tough patch and he’s not gotten paid in the last month and while we’ve managed to scrape up some funds from small tech jobs here and there……it’s only just been barely enough to cover the bills AND he’s been crazy busy trying to juggle everything.

I have been SO FRIED from this past year and I was really REALLY hoping that I’d get the summer to be able to rest and recuperate and instead of having a slower paced life and more time with Jon….I’ve had more heaped on me and less time with him…..that part sounds like whining – I know…..but I love Jon…I love being with Jon….I love talking with him and working things out with him. We work so well together as a team…and this past year has stressed and strained us so much! We are okay! We are dealing with “ALL THIS”, but I miss him so badly and I desperately wish that we had some time with each other….but it’s not really happening right now.

And now….this whole post has gotten de-railed for me because I feel bad for whining about my problems and issues when there are people out there who would give anything to be in my shoes…..

I guess it shouldn’t be de-railed because I still have a ton of other issues in my life, and I’m not really sure who would want to trade for those…

I guess what I’m saying is that no one’s life is perfect and I’d give grace to someone else who was complaining about their life and the tough things that they were going through and so why shouldn’t I expect that others would treat me the same way?

I guess this all goes back to m not wanting to bother people….I struggle with that so much. I don’t want to talk about how tough my life is when I know that others are struggling with their lives and yet, why am I okay with them having issues and talking about it?

I dunno. Any thoughts?

Another thing that is weighing heavy on me is the whole Autism/Aspergers thing with Jeremy. I’m terrified of not getting a diagnosis and yet when going through this process – you must come face to face with all the negative aspects of this “syndrome” or “disorder” and well…..it’s pretty negative.

To have to list down on paper all the areas that your child struggles with, to have to admit that it’s pretty bad……to see what is considered “normal” or “neuro-typical” and to see that your child is not even anywhere close that that ideal……. When, over the past 10 years, you’ve come up with coping mechanisms and put measures into play to structure your lives so that you can pre-empt the negative aspects of this “disorder” but then to realize that it’s “not normal” to have to live like that…its tough!

What’s even harder is when your child is desperate to be around people and yet they don’t realize that their actions make people uncomfortable……..and aside from explaining to people (most of whom don’t care or understand or care to understand) that your son has……..has what???? He’s not been officially diagnosed and then I’m right back at the whole, “I’m terrified that he’s not going to get diagnosed and we’re going to have to do all of “THIS” by ourselves” and I know that at this exact moment I don’t have all the answers that we need to help him be the most successful person that he could become…….it just about destroys me!

On top of that, I’ve been noticing that Siah is displaying some of the symptoms of being on the Autistic Spectrum…..it’s difficult to get him to look you in the eye. He is very literal. He doesn’t do a lot of pretend play. He has melt downs when things aren’t exactly as he expects them to be (I’m not just talking about typical 3 year old behaviour)….He is less understanding of social situations than “normal” kids…..and although he doesn’t seem to struggle as badly as Jeremy does….he’s only 3! This means that he’s not in a lot of the same social situations that we see Jeremy struggling in.

We were supposed to get a call in July to book an appointment in August for Jeremy and I’ve not heard anything yet. So I did call in to our case worker on Friday, but…..she only works on Tuesdays and Wednesday’s and so I’ve got to wait until Tuesday before I hear back from her……GAH! I’m so sick of waiting.

I really wanted to get this dealt with BEFORE Jeremy went back to school so that he could get started on the right foot and not be struggling from behind……..I’m still hoping that we are still on track for an August Appointment for Jeremy.

Well, After all of that…..I’m outta time. I’ve got to head home back to the masses. I’m just gonna post this for tomorrow and hope that if it comes across poorly, that you’ll all just have grace for me…..well, cause if you don’t, I’ll just cry. I might just cry anyway!

GAH! I don’t really feel like I’ve worked anything out inside of myself and I hate that……

I do believe that I’ll be okay….that we’ll be okay but I’m tired! I’m tired of feeling like I’m fighting for everything……I just want a moment…..a moment where I’m not struggling or fighting. I just want a moment to breathe…..

Round Up

So, I have a few photos and videos to share with you….and so I thought I’d try to throw together a montage….or basically just a list of pictures and videos with some (less than) witty banter kinda wrapped around it…..

Last Sunday, my brother Tim and my sweet nephew Max popped over for a quick visit….Max is just SO darling and he’s smiling and coo’ing up a storm. He is just one of the most darling little men in my life.

Earlier in the week…..like possibly on Monday or Tuesday, Jon and I took the kids for a walk and when we got to the boardwalk there were young owls up in the trees. It was SO cool to see them so close. They were screeching if they felt scared and we tried to be as quiet and respectful as possible, but between Jeremy and Josiah…..we weren’t as quiet as I’d have liked to be….

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I think that it was Wednesday that Jack came over for a quick visit while Debbie ran some errands. Judah and him were having so much fun pulling the diaper wipes out of the container. They just kept coming and coming and coming…

On Thursday, the boys and I went for a walk. We go for walks to entertain the boys, to wear them out, to keep them from destroying the house……and to keep me from getting any fatter…..

Just across the bridge, on the path close to our house I came across these mushrooms. Aren’t they cool looking? Anyone have any idea what kind they are? We didn’t touch them, but they were too pretty to not take a picture of!

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We live in one of the most beautiful places, don’t we? This is literally 5 mins from my door. I LOVE British Columbia!

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We went to one of the many parks around our house and I watched Josiah climb this thing over and over and over. Every time he did it, I would panic a little (after all he’s only 3), but this kid is part goat (ha ha ha) and has been climbing since he was very little and hardly EVER falls….and so I try not to freak out and wrap him in bubble wrap and keep him tied into the buggy sitting beside me….

I forgot to put shoes on Judah and he was going all howler monkey on me at being stuck in the stroller and so I just let him play in the rocks……

Those rocks…….GROSS! Judah was FILTHY when I picked him up to walk back home. He looked like he was a powdered doughnut….only covered in dirt and dust and who knows what other filth. So disgusting! But he enjoyed himself and that’s what’s important, right???? I’m still not so sure of that, but oh well!

I also find that the days we go out for walks….the kids sleep SO MUCH BETTER! Case in point…..

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We had sat down to watch a quick video before bedtime and within 5 minutes of snuggling with daddy he was GONE! I love it when bedtime is that easy.

On Friday, my brother came over to finish my hallways and stairs, and Daisy and Max came for a quick visit too….I love sleeping babies….probably because mine hardly ever sleeps…..

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and with that…..we’re finished this session of Round Up!