Running Reflections 5-18-19

I got new shoes. Aren’t they pretty? When I went to Peninsula Runners years ago, the stock for size 10 womens runners was pretty limited. There wasn’t a huge selection and I usually ended up taking whatever they had that fit right. This week, I tried on 5 different pairs in all different colors and chose the ever classy black runners. Ha!

I had a great run yesterday. I kept the same paces for the first half and the second half. Typically I run slower in the second half of my runs. So that was a win. I also ran a little faster and a little further than Thursday. Awesome right! About 3/4’s of the way into the run, I thought to myself,”I’m really doing this. I’m getting stronger. I’m getting faster and I’m not even feeling like a fish out of water gasping for breath. I’m actually DOING this!

My next immediate thought was, “Obviously, you’re not trying hard enough. You’re not REALLY giving this your all. If you were, you would be exhausted and dying for breath.

WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE IS THAT!!!!

And WHY would I think that was an okay way to talk to myself?

I can’t fathom the audacity it would take to say that to an adult and I can’t fathom the cruelty it would take to say that to a child. And yet, I’ve talked like that to myself for as long as I can remember. I have no idea why I would talk to myself like that or how I ever received the message that it was okay to talk to myself like that; because it’s not.

And yet we do it all the time. We down play our accomplishments. We deflect praise. We focus on the things we struggle with instead the ways we are improving. I don’t know if its a false humility thing or a fear of pride. But I’m done with it all.

That doesn’t mean that I’m all fixed and wont hear those voices and those words anymore, but what it does mean is that I hear them and recognize them for what they are.

I hear the fear of failure. I hear the fear of rejection. I hear a small voice who is desperate for love, acceptance, validation, success, approval…….

I choose to hear that voice, acknowledge the fear and champion myself anyway.

Because today, I know that…
– I am stronger.
– I am healthier.
– I am getting faster and going further
– I am amazing.
– I AM ACTUALLY DOING THIS!

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *