I had plans to post every day this month. I knew that Spring Break was the last two weeks of the month and figured that if a practise of gratitude was ever called for, it would be during these two weeks.
While we’ve done okay with the chaos and stress of life, there have definitely been moments and yesterday was probably the toughest day, so far.
It’s nothing crazy. Sometimes, one of my boys gets “stuck” in a certain mindset or fixated on a specific thing; and the other boy gets triggered by the fixation. It means that we get stuck in a loop of triggering and fixation. Trying to help 2 kids to regulate in different ways, for different reasons, while attempting to stay regulated myself, is difficult if not near impossible.
By the end of the day, I was going to try and post and then I looked at the time and it was 12:02am.
Immediately, my brain went into overdrive. I could post and back date it. Or maybe I could post twice but then that wouldn’t be posting every day.
I had about 20 seconds of panic before I said to myself,
“I don’t have to be perfect. It’s not a failure to miss posting for one day. You still have many things to be thankful for. Nothing is wrecked. You don’t owe anyone, anything. You are good enough. It’s okay to just let this one go.”
And so I did!
I rolled over, turned out the light and went to sleep.
In the past, I’d have fixated on this mistake, this error, this imperfection……but I want to live a life where I’m not trapped by perfection. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try and do a good job or to try my best. I want to afford myself grace and mercy. I want to live a life where I’m not my enemy, instead I am my champion.
That may sound self-centered but I believe it has more to do with love. I want to love myself and to treat myself with respect. I try to live a life where I treat others with love, compassion, understanding, grace and mercy. I believe that I am worthy of those same things. But in the past, I’ve been too hard on myself. I’ve placed unreal expectations of perfection on myself and berated myself when I couldn’t live up to those expectations.
It’s amazing to see that although old mindsets are still there, that I’m spending less time stuck in them. That I’m able to move beyond self loathing and into grace.
Today I’m thankful for opportunities to grow, to have grace for myself. I’m thankful to see forward movement in an area that I was previous stuck in. So even though yesterday was a tougher day and it resulted in my not posting, I’m still thankful……SO very thankful for grace and mercy and kindness and compassion.
What are you thankful for today?