I stumbled around my house today, ever so grateful that I had no appointments and nothing scheduled to do.
There is always cleaning and tidying. Household chores that are mind numbing and can be done on auto-pilot; yet… never ending.
I threw some laundry in and loaded the dishwasher. Swept haphazardly and relocated some toys.
But mostly I sat…….
I’m, constantly, on the verge of tears; thoughts racing through the corridors of my mind. Simple tasks are too difficult to execute. I should be able to make a nail appointment. I was even there in the shopping mall. But I couldn’t…..it requires more energy than I have. How lame is that?
I can hear the words I need to say and know that my day is free tomorrow and the next, but…..”asking for something” is too much. Even if it’s just an appointment that I’ll be paying for.
I waste energy, questioning why I can’t do this…..energy that I don’t have to spare….am I scared they will be too busy (rejection)? Is it just the social interaction (introvert, much)? Am I just useless (negative self talk)? I dismiss that last thought as garbage but it still bothers me that the thought is there in the first place.
I look at the clock and realize that it’s almost time to pick up the kids. I’m praying that today’s been a smooth day and that no one will be too disregulated even though that prayer feels futile.
Jer called me twice and Jon twice on his walk to school this morning. The fact that he went, speaks to his resilience in the midst of this storm. But guaranteed it’s been a day spent on high alert and he’ll be exhausted when he comes home.
Siah should have gone swimming with his class today but didn’t. I’m not sure how much of it is anxiety and how much is autism. He loves swimming and water….so something’s up……
Judah went to school today, only because I let him have a mental health day yesterday and told him that the pay off was that he went for the rest of the week with no whining. He did whine this morning but went anyway.
I just want to run away. I’m definitely feeling the flight aspect of the “fight/flight/freeze” scenario but that’s not an option that I have the luxury of holding onto.
So I sit…..