I cling to the edge of the cliff. The fingers of Darkness and Despair curl around my ankles, weighing me down. The continual rain soaks my clothing, adding to the weight; it makes it harder to hold on.
I dread the end of summer. Even as the days shorten and cool, I feel myself starting to wither…..just like my garden.
I could really use the sunshine and a beach, right about now.
It’s hard. I’m exhausted. My boys are incredibly difficult right now. We’re long beyond the October crash……this must be the November burn. Crash and Burn!
I’m sick of saying, “It’s hard. I’m exhausted.” I want desperately to connect and yet…I have nothing. I have zero energy to attempt connection. But without connection, I’m alone. So which is it…… it’s a losing battle.
Sometimes I feel that if I could explain what my life is like that you might get it…..But I’m realizing that unless you live it, you won’t fully understand it. I share bits and pieces but never the whole….it would be too much to handle. I know this because it’s too much to handle.
There is a certain amount of grieving. Grieving normalcy…..But mostly there is just soul crushing exhaustion. It’s like a cloud of nothingness with vague wisps of sadness and loneliness woven throughout.
I love my children and I hate how difficult they are.
Autism, ADHD, Anxiety…..Even though they are labels given to two of my boys, our entire family is deeply effected.
There is so much chaos. I feel like I’m constantly drowning. I manage to grab small breaths of air….never enough to breathe deeply and the waves crash consistently enough that I’m left in a constant state of panic.
There’s only so much space for panic and my two boys seem to have the corner on that market. Too often when I feel the panic rising, I stuff it back down with a shallow breath. As if I could control it….
There is so much guilt and shame and yet…..that’s one good thing about exhaustion…..somehow you can’t muster the energy to hold onto the guilt and shame. You feel it and it makes you feel dirty and worthless; but it’s too heavy to carry and there’s too much to be done….
So you drop it like most of the other balls you drop on a daily basis…..
You cling to the edge of the cliff and hope……you hope that you make it through another day. You hope that tomorrow will be better. You cling to the hope that seasons change and that this dark and gloomy season will once again give way to sunshine. You pray for wisdom, strength, and patience.
You pray for your kids to just hurry up and fall asleep so you can have a moment to breathe…..then you feel guilty….then you remember how much work there still is to do tonight and you drop the guilt as exhaustion takes over once again.