Hurting and Crying

Did you ever want to just unload EXACTLY how you’re feeling, but you can’t do that ’cause you’d hurt other people.  People that you loved and cared for…..and so you keep it all inside, and then it builds up, and you feel like you’re going to explode or implode or whatever…..

I’m having another down day.  I hate this.  I hate these days.  I hate it when the things that I’m feeling come crashing down in on top of me, and I dont’ know what to do with them.  I just want to ignore them, and I wish they would all just “poof” go away.

I’m worried about Chris.  I’m worried about my family.  I’m worried about this baby, although that particular worry is way down on the list of things to worry about.  I know it’s just a matter of time – but I hate the “time” factor.

I feel like I’m being crushed under a HUGE weight of stuff that is WAY TOO HEAVY for me to be carrying especially when I’ve got my own stuff to “Carry” right now.

Maybe I just need to go and have a good cry, and then once some of the pressure is relived – I’ll feel better.  I’d love to believe that, but crying, isn’t going to change anything right now.  Everything that I’m thinking about is still going to be there, unchaged when I’m done, and then I’ll have puffy eyes, a raw nose, and a wicked headache to boot…..and seriosuly, who wants to deal with all of that.

I have my lists of stuff to do, and don’t even feel like doing any of that.  I dont’ know what to do with myself.  I did get the baby’s bag for the hospital packed yesterday.  Yah Me, but there is still so much more to do…..not tons of stuff, but just some stuff.  I feel like for everything I cross of the list, that I add 2 or 3 more things, and my list only grows longer, and not shorter.

I’m not sleeping well, and so I’m sure the “tired” thing is not helping.

I know that I can’t fix any of the things that I’m worrying about, and I’m not trying to.  I know that I can’t change the situations, and I’m not trying to.  I just hurt so bad when I feel other people hurting, and I hate that I can’t take all the hurt and make it go away.

I realize that everyone has their own paths to walk down, and that everyone has a choice as to how they travel their particular path, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt for them, and all they are going through.  I wish I could control the situations, and just say, “Do it this way… would hurt so much less in the long run.”  But I can’t, and I know that.

 I still hurt……for everything that’s going on right now.

Maybe “down” days are no good for me…..I slow down too much and end up thinking and feeling overwhelmed.  Maybe I just need to keep going full force, until I have a complete mental and physical breakdown…that sounds about right doesn’t it?  Ha Ha!  Just kidding!

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

2 thoughts on “Hurting and Crying”

  1. Hey Patti No Mental break downs needed. Pregnant or not, we all have days when the load is entirely too heavy to carry across the room, nevermind for someone else. Go cry for 3 minutes in the shower or better yet, go buy yourself a little bunch of flowers.
    I think we have down days so that other people who are not having one at the same time can be there for us to help shoulder the load of incsessent inconvenience. I learned not too long ago that family has it’s loads and we often forget that the ones we have under our own roof are the ones we should carry first. Not to say that anyone else is less important, but each one has it’s place in priority. You and your little one are #1 on that list.(for now) Don’t forget that as you’re coming close to that fantastic day, your hormones are completly out of whack and your body will naturally gravitate towards getting ready.Yes those ‘things’ will still be there after all is said and done.So will you. Only a great woman can be a mom. You are a great woman.
    Take care; put your feet up. 🙂 Jen

  2. Hey Patti,
    Yeh, sometimes it feels like everything comes down on us.
    But I have experienced in my life that I have
    some friends who are able to carry a tiny bit
    of my burdens with me, it is so much easier, to
    know that there are friends who are standing by,,,
    in our time of need, carrying us in prayers,,,
    well Patti, I do carry you in prayers and everything
    that is going on in your life and family.
    Keep looking up,, yeh and lean on HIM and when you
    still feel you need someone else to lean on,,
    there he is, your awesome husband Jon !!
    Patti, you are in my prayers ~~ Else

    And Karen, uu are also in my prayers as you
    are doing this awesome missionary work, far away !

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