I went to another counseling session this morning….and then I came home, ate lunch and crawled into bed until I had to pick up the boys from school.

I’m currently chatting with some friends on the Facebook messenger app….I’m having such a hard time focusing on this and yet, I want to be able to write it down because when I do…..I feel like I process through it and assimilate the info, so much better than when I kind of ignore it and carry on.

PhotoI feel like I’ve been fighting myself. On one hand, I think I’m good at certain things…..but on the other hand, I don’t really believe it. For example, I believe I am beautiful; but instead of just believing it and it being a non-factor…..I’m constantly needing to “be” perfect…even though I’m no where near perfect. It’s always something I’m reaching for or trying to attain. And if someone says anything to me….I honestly believe that they are just being nice…because somewhere inside of me, I don’t really believe I’m beautiful…..but I do….???

I think I can sing well, and yet…I don’t really believe it, because if I really was good, then wouldn’t I have actually “done” something with it. And yes, I can carry a tune, but so many are so much better than me, and I’m not really that good……..I’m just…adequate.

So, in counseling today, I managed to connect with a much younger me…from about when I was 6….and she quite honestly believes that shes bad……dirty and disgusting and bad…..and I don’t know why. She believes that if anyone really truly saw who she was that they would reject her……..and that just so much resonates with how I feel.

It’s weird. It’s weird to hear yourself say things like……I see these kids. These kids that others see as “bad” and I see beyond the “actions” and “issues” to the heart and soul of the kids and I see how special and amazing they are.

It’s so devastating to see that as a young girl, maybe 6, that I felt like if anyone saw the real me that they would reject me, because I was so bad.

I don’t know what happened to make me think that. I don’t know what would have given me that impression, all I know is that for the first time…..something makes sense…….its like something inside of me has held onto something horrid for 30+ years and I can finally recognize that it’s not the adult me feeling like this. Even saying this (or typing it) makes me feel crazy and yet…….it just feels so “right”. I said things today that totally make sense for the first time in 30+ years.

If there is a part of me that was traumatized by something and held onto that trauma and never quite grew up….it could easily be causing a disparity between what I know as an adult and what I felt as a child.

The feelings were so strong….at first I didn’t even want to connect with her.

I’m quite unsettled sharing this, and yet…..I want to. In some ways, if I share it, it becomes more real to me.

I find our minds to be so very, incredibly interesting.

Its so hard to switch from what we know as an adult to what we feel/felt as a child. And yet to recognize that what we felt/observed/experienced is still valid regardless of what the actuality is/was…..

For whatever reason, I felt like I was unworthy of love. I felt disgusting. I felt bad. I felt like, if anyone saw who I really was, then they would reject me. I felt like I had to continue to try to appear perfect, in order for people to accept me. I felt like failure was equivalent with rejection. I’ve continued to feel that in my experiences with people, all through out my life. It sucks.

In a lot of ways, it feels like I can’t trust myself. How do you merge these two “warring” sides of yourself? One side believes that you actually are a nice person worthy of love and acceptance; and at the same time, a part of me truly believes that I’m one slip/one step/one action away from being rejected because I’m so “bad”.

How is a 6 year old “bad”?

I can’t imagine looking at a young child and believing them to be truly evil.
I can’t imagine looking at my young children and rejecting them based on their actions.
I can’t imagine my children feeling so unacceptable and undesirable.

It just about destroys me to think that I felt like this….and yet…..I can’t remember not feeling like this and the feelings today were so intense……

It made me feel so sad for myself.

I hurt so incredibly much for the children that I see who are struggling. My own children, my nieces and nephews, our friends kids……..children at our local school….., at church….

So many of these, I’d venture to say ALL of these, kids just want to be loved and accepted, and they should be….in spite of any actions that people deem inappropriate….Sometimes, I just want to scream at the “adults”. I want to scream and rail at them, “can’t they see that these kids are trying their hardest?” They are doing the very best they can. Children want to do their best. If they are struggling, it’s probably because they don’t know what to do….and helping to teach them what to do (as opposed to focusing on what they are not to do), with love and compassion would go a whole lot further than getting angry with them.

It was a weird appointment, and I realize that I’m a bit all over the place….but it’s been a tough day.

I’m attempting to process through this. I’ll probably have more thoughts on it all, but at least I’ve started….

I’m trying to be ok with being in process….I like to start something and wrap it up and “finish” it…..but I think it needs to be ok to be “in process”….to be “working on things”….to not have to feel like if I don’t finish it right away that it’s useless or worthless….but to realize that I can start working on something and continue to work on it and that it’s ok to not be finished yet…..


Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

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