Listing Heavily

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I have this skewed idea that unless I have something amazing to say or some point to make or something else incredible that it’s all a waste of time.

Which is ridiculous, given the number of times that I’ve come on here and just blathered away.

And basically, it’s what I’m about to do right now.

I’ve been thinking about “writing” all day today. I’ve been musing about “this” topic and “that” topic. Wondering about whether I should write another poem or share on a topic dear to me, or whether I pick a journal prompt and write about that.

I’ve basically been stalled and hung up on the fact that all my thoughts are stuck inside of my head. Which was sort of the point of me wanting to write MORE…….

So, here I am……last thing at night…..sitting in front of my computer…….struggling.

That seems to be the soundtrack of my life these days. Everything’s a struggle.

And I hate it.

I have this desire that people will see me. Will see my life. Will see how much I’m struggling and yet…

I want to be able to encourage. I want to be able to see the positive. I want to be able to share the light in dark situations. I want to find the positive amidst all the crap…..but it takes a whole lotta shoveling to be able to find those tiny bits of positivity.

I keep looking.

An intense situation arises and I want to sit down and cry; but I attempt to shift my focus to find a positive within the negative situation…..

And as much as that’s a good thing…..I think that what I’ve ended up doing, is not allowing myself to acknowledge the crap. It’s like I want people to validate how tough this “life” of mine is yet, I don’t think that I’m allowing myself to really absorb it all, to acknowledge or validate the fact that this is tough…..like really, really tough.

Now, I’m not talking about wallowing…..or maybe I am…..I don’t really know, yet…..But I think that there must be something to this…… to this idea that I feel overwhelmed and as soon as the emotions get overwhelming, I shut it all down.

Did you read what I wrote yesterday?

Breathe
Shut it down
Try again another day

Ya….that’s what I’m talking about……….I start to feel and then….I shut it all down.

But I know better….

Even that statement…..why am I belittling myself………I know that you can’t just shut the negative emotions down…when you shut down your emotions…you shut them all down – the good, the bad and the ugly.

And maybe that contributing to why I’m feeling a bit……blah…..these days. I’m not really excited about anything. I truly believe that just straight exhaustion plays a huge role….but how much of the whole happiness/sadness yo yo am I missing because I’m doing everything within my power to hold myself at an even keel, even thought this ship feels like she’s listing hard.

Would I feel better if I grieved hard for the the life I imagined?

A part of me is just so scared that if I allow myself to “let go” and truly feel – that my ship will capsize and sink (to continue with the ship analogy).

And that scares me more than anything…….

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

2 thoughts on “Listing Heavily”

  1. I always appreciate your blog. I’m especially thankful for it during episodes of crippling anxiety (like this month).

  2. Hey Jess, it seems to be that time……too many people that I know and love are really struggling right now. It sucks so badly. I’m sorry you fit into that group.

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