I’ve been struggling lately.
And I’m feeling really worn down.
Which is crazy frustrating cause I’m pretty much doing all the right things…….sort of.
I’m exercising more than I ever have in my entire life…..all put together. I’m eating well (except for the last 3 days). I’m regularly taking my anti-anxiety meds. I could maybe get a little more sleep, but 7 hours a night isn’t too bad. The sun has been out (should probably be out in it more.) I’ve got tons of seedlings started for my garden, and dirt all piled up ready to go. So many good things…….
And yet, I wish I felt stronger…..more powerful, more capable, more in control….
Instead, I’m walking around feeling……weary, defeated, uncertain…..
It doesn’t feel good.
There are things that I think I should be proud of, accomplishments that are a good thing……I’ve lost over 15 pounds. I literally ran myself down a size in my running tights. (my last run in them was a horrible run because I literally had to hold them up the entire run cause they wouldn’t stay up and the extra roomy fabric caused some extreme chaffing in some sensitive areas……ahem!!) I also ran/walked 100 km’s in March. That’s kind of mind blowing to me because…..well I’ve never done that before. The highest km’s I had done in a month when I was running before was April 2013 and I managed a whopping 46 kms. So I more than doubled it. And today, I ran for 25 mins, no walking, no stopping. 35 mins in total with a 5 mins walking warm up and a 5 min walking cool down. That’s all good right. I even managed to pound out 4.5km in that 35 mins. So it’s not like I’m sprinting, but I kept up a steady pace……..
I’m just………I dunno. Today I actually felt depressed about my life. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since about 3/4 of the way through Angelica’s cancer treatment.
I posted a comment on Facebook the other night…..
……I was thinking about how it’s seemed like a tough run for us for the past…..well, it’s been a long time. Nathaniel died in Jan 2007 and there has been a lot of tragedy since then and there was quite a bit of stress in our lives (for differing reasons) before then. It’s not that there’s not been good. There has been so much good, but the tough stuff wears on you.
I got some varied responses and to be honest, I struggled with actually posting it, and re-wrote it a few times before settling on that wording. I was concerned how people might take it. I wasn’t whining and those who know me…..I think they “heard” my voice in those words.
I was more saying that sometimes I might think that there are those who seem to have it all together or seem like they have a fairly “normal” or “less stressful” life, but no one knows what is really going on, behind the scenes, unless they actually know them and have been given insight into the inner workings of their lives. I’ve had people comment to me that I seem to have it all together or that I can handle SO much……or that certain things don’t seem to faze me.
What I know is that my life is not perfect. It’s not easy and if for some weird and strange reason, I “seem” to have it all together……that’s totally not the reality.
I really,Really, REALLY do NOT have it all together.
And if it could possibly appear that I might have it all together…….. then my view of someone else having it all together may be completely off, as well. Everyone lives life…..and life has a tendency to be messy and real. And sometimes you just gotta laugh, and sometimes….it’s just too hard to laugh and well…..well, then you might cry. And that’s ok too.
Regardless, I hate feeling like this.
I hate feeling………”less than….”
I hate feeling overwhelmed.
I hate feeling like I’m drowning…..it’s that feeling that things are just piling up on top of you and you can never get enough done to just stay caught up; let alone ever getting ahead…….I hate that feeling.
I don’t want to feel like this, but probably the hardest thing for me right now is that I’m not sure how to “change” or “fix” this; and that’s tough.
I just keep reminding myself that season’s change and this one will too.
What do you do when you are feeling a bit down or overwhelmed? Any suggestions?