Day 5 – February 18

I was disappointed that yesterday morning didn’t feel as peaceful or calm as the day before. I’m not sure what alternate reality I was living in…… It’s not like peaceful and calm mornings have ever been “normal” around here. I’m also not sure how much of the peacefulness had to do with my own personal sense of calm as opposed to the reality of what the morning was…..regardless, I managed to get up before 7am AGAIN…..and get everyone off to school with a minimum amount of chaos.

The Therapy brushes that I had ordered from School Specialty arrived and the boys each got brushed a few times. Dinner time actually went pretty smoothly. Again, I’m unsure if the brushing had anything to do with that or not, but I’m not going to complain about it. I had meant to brush the boys again before they went to bed, but after dinner……I ran upstairs and changed into running gear and headed out while Jon took the boys through the bedtime routine. So, that didn’t happen….and I didn’t ask Jon how bedtime went…..so really nothing to report on that front….not even sure why I mentioned it……….. oh well.

Yesterday was a MUCH better day for me in regards to anxiety….in the fact that I really didn’t feel anxious about anything. Yay for small victories….It was also a WAY better walk/run than my Sunday night one. My pace was faster. I ran more….and it felt pretty good overall. YAY ME!

I find this whole process to be intriguing. I am questioning why I do things and how my thoughts are affecting me both positively and negatively. I’m so aware of negative behaviours and becoming more aware of what the positive behaviours feel like.

For example, the whole “weighing” issue. I’ve been so focused on weight, particularly weight loss. And I’ve allowed the number on the scale to influence my overall happiness and sense of being. Don’t get me wrong, I catch myself wanting to know the number, too many times throughout the day. BUT……not knowing it and choosing to not weigh myself is actually quite freeing. I’ve read about others doing this and thought to myself that if I didn’t weigh myself then I wouldn’t have the motiviation to keep going. That it was nice that others could just put away the scale, but that would NEVER work for me. I think it all comes back to fear. Fear of failure. Fear that if I just gave up the “control(of the numbers dictating my efforts)” that I would spiral out of control.

Fear and control….I hate those two things. So much of my life has been consumed and run by fear and control….and really, the control is all about fear….so the root of it all……is fear.

fearlessly

Jon gave me this sign almost a year ago and I really loved it, but just being aware of how much fear has been an issue for me…….it makes it so much more important and special to me.

I came home from my walk/run yesterday and briefly thought about the scale. I quickly dismissed the thought, and realized that the dread and panic (that I typically feel right before I step on the scale) just kind of dissolved. It was very bizarre. I realized how much negativity that act has on my life. I really like NOT feeling like that……and so I carry on. One foot in the front of the other. Making choices. Being aware. Attempting to focus on the good and allowing the negative to just float on past me. It’s not easy, but I feel good.

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

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