Day 4 – February 17

Yesterday was a bit of a hard day for me.

It was an “at home” day and I find that unless I am super busy, then the “noise” seems to be louder on those days. It’s like there is too much time to “think” about things.

My biggest worry – my health…….every little ache or pain seems intensified. I spend a HUGE amount of effort talking “reality” to myself. The “cancer fear” seems huge. I hate it. I hate that Geli was sick for a while before we knew and by the time we found out….she was really sick. So, little things swirl around inside of my head and become huge things.

I know it’s anxiety.

I hate it.

The exchange goes something like this….

That feels “off”….hmmm, that’s weird. I remember feeling that before. I wonder if it’s serious.

Of course it’s not, that just the anxiety talking.

But how much do I discount, and what if I discount something serious because I think it’s just anxiety.

Ok, so now you are having anxiety about having anxiety….that’s messed up.

I know. I’m fine……………right?

Of course you are. Remember, you brought it up the last time you were at the Dr and he explained it.

I know, but we can’t see “inside” of me and what if……

What are the “what if’s” going to do to help you?

……………Nothing….I know………, but this is just so hard.

I wish I could just turn my brain off.

And this goes on and on….

Except that when I am busy…..I can entirely forget that there had even been an issue…that is, until I remember, AGAIN….at which point, it cycles around again.

It’s messed up.

So I go to bed and wake up the next morning and……….I’m fine. And then I have a busy day and……….I’m fine. And then I have another tough day………..and in reality, I’m still fine.

Which is why I (mostly) believe that I AM FINE.

I’m thinking I might need to go back to my trauma counselor and have a session dealing with this……..

I remember dealing with a very mild form of this before Geli was sick, but it’s been just stupid intense since Geli was diagnosed with cancer………

Other than the anxiety….it was a fairly good day. Yesterday morning, getting out of bed at 6:45am really helped with the insanity of the morning situation. It felt like a really calm morning….which is odd ’cause we don’t have too many of those.

We even had a Team Meeting between Jeremy’s two schools and it went fabulously. He really is doing well. it’s not easy. It’s never easy, but it’s nice to hear that he’s doing well, as opposed to hearing that there is something wrong. I’ve had way too many of those meetings. I will be thrilled if I never have another one, but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Do you struggle with anxiety? Any tips on dealing with the intruding thoughts? Have you found a way to “turn it off”?

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

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