Exhaustion

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I’m so tired…….I think I’ve been doing better and then something comes along and knocks me down so flat that I feel like any forward movement I’ve made has all been taken away and I’m right back down to scraping the bottom of the emotional/mental/physical barrel.

This week has really done me in. Between first days and lunches and anxiety and high school……it was all pretty overwhelming but I was hanging in there.

Today totally just knocked me over the edge.

I was originally going to take Jeremy out to the appt by myself, and then we had some issues trying to work out who was going to watch Judah and who would pick up Siah and I thought that maybe I might get out of having to deal with today (avoidance……awesome escapism tactic). Jon felt I really needed to be there.

Oh, I didn’t want to. It’s so hard. When your son doesn’t fit “the mold” neatly and nicely and attempting to diagnose the “puzzle” that is your child means that you have to fight with every ounce of strength that you have and even with some that you don’t have…….it’s tough. And after fighting last time and being so dismissed…….it was such a blow that I…..we….didn’t even really want to hope for this to work out.

And yet we want the best for our son and so we scrape together the courage to go to a meeting where we bare our souls and pull out every negative aspect of our son and of ourselves and of our families…….and lay it all out for someone to see and hear and sift through, in the hopes that they will be able to give us answers – or at the very least clues that will help us to help our child.

I sit there in these meetings and wonder how our genetic soup managed to come together in such a way that our son was given this……

ADHD, ODD, Anxiety, SPD and possibly ASD…..all mashed up together in one small child.

It’s SO much. It’s so much for us to deal with. It’s so much for him to deal with. It’s so much.

And yet, like with Angelica……..we make it as “normal” as we can. Bald is beautiful. Confidence is beautiful. And our brains are all unique and the things that make us unique make us so very special. We play up the incredible aspects and attempt to make the difficult things “just a matter of fact”.

But the truth is……it’s not easy. In fact, somedays it feels like a crushing impossibility.

We won’t know the results for a bit. I’m hoping for an Autism Diagnosis because there is so much in that particular diagnosis that makes sense and yet, I’m so scared to get my hopes up.

I want help. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of trying to be strong. I’m tired of carrying everyone. I’m just really tired.

To be honest, getting the diagnosis would feel like someone was validating just how difficult the past 12 years have been. Don’t get me wrong. I love this young man with every fiber of my being. Which is why I’m fighting with energy that I don’t really feel I have to give…….but it’s been tough…..really tough. And I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

3 thoughts on “Exhaustion”

  1. Awe Patti,
    I understand. Does it helped to know that? I don’t know. But I do know how incredibly exhausting this all is and to just want a moment of normalcy. Even a minute or two. But we keep moving forward. Also to want that diagnosis so bad because you know that it means help and it will make you feel like you aren’t going crazy and there seriously is something wrong and the relief that comes with being able to make a plan and strategy. we have been climbing up what feels like a huge precipice for years and I promise you there is light at the top. πŸ™‚ Sweet relief and even joy. πŸ™‚ Love you lots and I’m
    here for you guys if you ever need anything. :).
    Niki

  2. I understand. I really, really understand.

    I was venting to one of my support people, the first half of the conversation was about the difficulties of having a large family. The laundry. The Meals. The busyness. The Chores.

    And then I started in on “Special Needs”. The unseen aspects of our family. And she said “nobody gets that”. People know we are busy. People know we have teenagers and babies and toddlers but what people don’t realize that on top of “seven” kids we also have complications. Special needs. Rages. ODD.

    Nothing. NOTHING is ever. Ever. Ever. easy. Ever.

    And I clearly, so clearly understand that the exhaustion that comes from that is beyond the physical. It is the emotional. I don’t answer the phone calls from the school without a racing heart. Ever. I don’t have a conversation with my child about a boundary without feeling that surge of adrenalin because of what will – INEVITABLY – result.

    Hugs. Find a good support group. I am thankful beyond measure to have moms that I can talk to, vent to and really be honest with and nobody thinks it is because I don’t love my child enough, or because I haven’t tried the right star chart or spanked enough or because we spoil or are too strict or because “HE LOOKS JUST FINE!” or even, worse, that we should just send him away. I am happy to be a sounding board anytime.

  3. I hear ya Patti and everything in me wishes I could say something amazing, profound and incredibly wise, but I know there just isn’t anything. I wish I could fix it – but I know I can’t – and trying to, would just mess things up worst! I do know that I ‘hear’ you Patti..and there is nothing wrong with saying ‘your tired’.. Sometimes we all just need those moments when we can say ‘ I’m done – nothing left in the tank – exhausted’ – without anyone trying to fix us or make it better. We both know that you’ll get up the next day and carry on..- there’s not a lot of choices for us mom’s is there. But somedays..just for a moment.. or an hour..or even a day or two.. we need to be able to say , ‘ For today.. I’m done’.. and don’t think about tomorrow – it overwhelms ! You have been amazing..and watching how you have fought for your kids when they’ve needed an advocate has been inspiring! I don’t think I’d have had the strength that I’ve seen in you! I love you.. but those words seem so small in face of the mountian in front of you. I’m praying for you… and those words too, while holding a hidden strength, also at times, just don’t seem to have the practical sense of support and strength that I know you need. So.. i’ll just say ‘ I’m here – if you need me. I’m good at listening – if you need to talk.’ ..otherwise, I’ll do what I do best..and keep praying!

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