It’s been a long two years and I’m finding that I’m at the end of myself.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted. It’s more than just an “I have a 2 year old who wakes up at 5am” tired….
It’s more of an “I have no idea how I’m still standing but I must carry on……” kind of tired.
I have no energy to call anyone or reach out to anyone or respond to e-mails….in fact, I am spending a ridiculous amount of energy just attempting to put these blog posts out there.
I want to be able to “DO” things, but I have no reserves left to draw from.
There are things that bring me life and although there is a small part of me that desperately wants to do these things……I don’t even really want to do them….and yet I do, in the hopes that I will be able to remind myself of who I was before “ALL OF THIS” happened.
And so, I make soap……which exhausts me and requires that Jon be there to walk me through it because I’m scared that I’ll make a mistake, forget something and wreck it. Something so stupid as following directions and mixing ingredients….much like making a cake……wrecks me. And says a lot to me about where I am at….
And so I blog, even though I have to think and think and think and then delete; because what I’ve written isn’t what I want to say…….and that makes me feel so stupid because normally I LOVE WORDS. I love to be able to use words to share and encourage and inspire and even something that is normally first nature for me, requires a ton of effort…..and that says a lot to me about where I am at…..
I’ve been seeing a counselor for a while now because I want to feel better and in some ways I am, but it also feels like the more that I acknowledge how tough this journey has been and is….and the more we walk away from the intensely stressful times, the more difficult it is to hold myself together and continue carrying on.
It’s like I’ve been living on adrenaline for the past two years and that alone is exhausting. The stress has done a number on me both physically and mentally.
About 2 weeks ago, I said to Jon that I really needed to get away. Like, for my overall well being, I needed to get away. I’ve not wanted to “go away” because there were too many things that were unstable and the kids needed us……but I’m in a place where if I don’t get away….I feel like I will break down beyond what I can continue to hold together. I already feel incredibly broken.
I feel like, if I were a wagon….I used to be useful. I could carry many things and heavy things and now…..now I have a giant crack running through me and my wheels are broken and the straps and connectors that hold me to the “life” that is pulling me forward are so compromised. I feel like I’m sitting some place not useful or good for anything. And to be honest….it’s a horrible feeling. It’s a horrible feeling to feel like you HAVE to do things and to physically make yourself do things, like cleaning and laundry and meals and yet to not have the energy to do them. I don’t mean that in a flippant way, but literally….every time I do something, I am taking more and more out of my very being and there is so little left…..
I feel like this sounds so dramatic, and in someways I worry that it may come across the wrong way and yet…..to be honest, I don’t even have the energy to really get a good “worry” going on. Which in some ways, I guess is good, because we shouldn’t worry, but in other ways, it says a lot to me just about how rough of shape I am in because although I shouldn’t admit this….I have been a champion worrier in the past…….
Jon has booked some time away for us. Just he and I are going to Cabo at the beginning of July. It’s officially less than 30 days until we leave. I am so looking forward to a week of nothing. No responsibilities….no cooking….no cleaning….no one wanting me or needing me or taking from me….
I’m planning on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping some more. Sitting in the sun. Eating. I will probably cry….grieving all we’ve lost. And then I will come home; and I hope & pray that I will have a bit more to give, because I have ones who require it of me.