Trying to Hold On

It’s been a long two years and I’m finding that I’m at the end of myself.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. It’s more than just an “I have a 2 year old who wakes up at 5am” tired….

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Napping yesterday with Judah

It’s more of an “I have no idea how I’m still standing but I must carry on……” kind of tired.

I have no energy to call anyone or reach out to anyone or respond to e-mails….in fact, I am spending a ridiculous amount of energy just attempting to put these blog posts out there.

I want to be able to “DO” things, but I have no reserves left to draw from.

There are things that bring me life and although there is a small part of me that desperately wants to do these things……I don’t even really want to do them….and yet I do, in the hopes that I will be able to remind myself of who I was before “ALL OF THIS” happened.

And so, I make soap……which exhausts me and requires that Jon be there to walk me through it because I’m scared that I’ll make a mistake, forget something and wreck it. Something so stupid as following directions and mixing ingredients….much like making a cake……wrecks me. And says a lot to me about where I am at….

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And so I blog, even though I have to think and think and think and then delete; because what I’ve written isn’t what I want to say…….and that makes me feel so stupid because normally I LOVE WORDS. I love to be able to use words to share and encourage and inspire and even something that is normally first nature for me, requires a ton of effort…..and that says a lot to me about where I am at…..

I’ve been seeing a counselor for a while now because I want to feel better and in some ways I am, but it also feels like the more that I acknowledge how tough this journey has been and is….and the more we walk away from the intensely stressful times, the more difficult it is to hold myself together and continue carrying on. It’s like I’ve been living on adrenaline for the past two years and that alone is exhausting. The stress has done a number on me both physically and mentally.

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Someone’s having a sick day today. Middle of the night barfing sessions are NOT cool.

About 2 weeks ago, I said to Jon that I really needed to get away. Like, for my overall well being, I needed to get away. I’ve not wanted to “go away” because there were too many things that were unstable and the kids needed us……but I’m in a place where if I don’t get away….I feel like I will break down beyond what I can continue to hold together. I already feel incredibly broken.

I feel like, if I were a wagon….I used to be useful. I could carry many things and heavy things and now…..now I have a giant crack running through me and my wheels are broken and the straps and connectors that hold me to the “life” that is pulling me forward are so compromised. I feel like I’m sitting some place not useful or good for anything. And to be honest….it’s a horrible feeling. It’s a horrible feeling to feel like you HAVE to do things and to physically make yourself do things, like cleaning and laundry and meals and yet to not have the energy to do them. I don’t mean that in a flippant way, but literally….every time I do something, I am taking more and more out of my very being and there is so little left…..

I feel like this sounds so dramatic, and in someways I worry that it may come across the wrong way and yet…..to be honest, I don’t even have the energy to really get a good “worry” going on. Which in some ways, I guess is good, because we shouldn’t worry, but in other ways, it says a lot to me just about how rough of shape I am in because although I shouldn’t admit this….I have been a champion worrier in the past…….

Jon has booked some time away for us. Just he and I are going to Cabo at the beginning of July. It’s officially less than 30 days until we leave. I am so looking forward to a week of nothing. No responsibilities….no cooking….no cleaning….no one wanting me or needing me or taking from me….

I’m planning on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping some more. Sitting in the sun. Eating. I will probably cry….grieving all we’ve lost. And then I will come home; and I hope & pray that I will have a bit more to give, because I have ones who require it of me.

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Waking Up Happy

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

3 thoughts on “Trying to Hold On”

  1. Beautiful soap!!! I love making soap because keeping in touch with all of those creative things, really does keep me attached to “Lori” instead of Mommy. I can’t imagine the overwhelming weight of the last two years, but still having the spark to re-connect to you sounds like a really great start.

    Right after Katrina hit my hometown, my parents moved in with me for 6 months when they lost everything. I was newly married, had just inherited two ADHD little boys, and now had my overbearing parents. I remember reading the back of a Kraft mac and cheese box and bursting into tears. I must have read that box 15 times and it just didn’t make sense. I couldn’t do it. It was like reading Greek. It scared the h*ll out of me, and I was already on an anti-depressant. Shortly thereafter, I ended up on two. So…. making soap… that’s huge. It’s huge and I appreciate what you mean about needing someone to help you follow the directions. No way could I have done that, with not nearly the amount of stress that you have.

    My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. You’re all pretty tough cookies… gluten free, dairy free, egg free… cookies. : ) Have a wonderful vacation!!!

  2. That is great patti you and jon are going away. The last 2 years you did not have couple time. it is all giving to 5 precious children and getting by. When you get all the sleep you need, your strength will come back. lack of sleep makes it hard to focus right. i am praying for you and that the trip will be so rewarding. Even Jon needs a break too as he is the head of the family. will also pray for whoever is looking after the children and that it will go well. Also prayiing that the children will understand that mommy and daddy needs rest. take care Patti. You are stronger than you think. blessings debra

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