So Angry

I’m so angry right now.

So incredibly angry. It doesn’t help that Jon and I had a sweet argument in the middle of everything. We are both processing and it’s tough. I want to just be mean – I’m so not perfect – but there is no point. I’m not out to hurt him….even if my broken self feels like it might make me feel better, even for a moment.

We got a phone call today that we didn’t want.

Angelica has been diagnosed with Avascular Necrosis or bone death. Part of the long leg bones (Femur and Tibia) closest to the knees have some moderate death in them. We don’t know very much at this point and we won’t know more until we meet with the Orthopedic Surgeon.

Worse Case Scenario – New Knees.

There are other options, but none of them are anywhere as good as NO BONE DEATH. We have about 8 to 9 more cycles of this crap until Maintenance is over and we could see the end in sight and to have this come up….it feels like a HUGE BLOW.

The Dr kept saying that Leukemia is life threatening and knee replacement is not….and its not even a guarantee that she would need knee replacements. I know that obviously in the grand scheme of things…a life threatening disease is WAY worse than something that is treatable and NON-life threatening……..BUT HONESTLY……THIS SUCKS SO BAD!


I don’t blame God for everything and yet…..truth be told. I’m angry. I’m upset. I don’t understand. I don’t feel very loved right now. And yet that goes against what I believe….I believe that God is a loving God. I don’t believe that He makes this crap happen. I don’t believe that He is testing us or teaching us something. I do believe that we live in an imperfect world with lots of things that go wrong and that there is sin and death and that regardless of what we go through…….He is always with us.

I choose to believe this. I choose to believe that He cares for Angelica even more than I do. I choose to believe that He is a good God. I don’t currently feel it, but I choose to believe it. I have faith that everything will work out for us. I choose to believe that everything will work out for Angelica. I don’t know how, but I do believe it.

But tonight….I’m angry. I’m angry at cancer. I’m angry that this wasn’t caught sooner. I’m angry that my daughter is in pain. I’m angry that Jon and I are so tired. I’m angry that we fought. I’m really angry about a lot of things….

This sucks. I know that I need to process this latest news and yet…I don’t even know how to do that…..

We will be okay. Angelica will be okay.

I choose to believe that even if it’s the last thing I feel……

I’m speaking life to Angelica’s bones. And I’m asking for you to speak life into her bones too….If you pray, pray for a miracle. We could really use one. I’m well aware of our reality and yet….I want a miracle!

Jon and I could also use some prayer. We are tired. SO Tired! So Worn out.

Geli and Xani, if you are reading this…..I’m okay! I promise. I’m upset and as I’ve told you a million times…….it’s okay to be upset. Just like I’ve told you…..feel your feelings, recognize what they are and then let them go……….and carry on “LIVING” your life. It’s okay to process. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to melt down and even have a hissy fit. Bad stuff happens sometimes, but we choose to not stay in the middle of the crap. This is just something that we WILL get through. We will continue to breathe and learn and make the best choices and we will choose to live life to the fullest , we will laugh and have fun and most importantly, we will love. I will help to carry you when you are down and you will love me and lift me up when I’m down. We do this because we are family. I’m just having a down moment, but if you see me tomorrow and I look okay…’s because I am. I’m not hiding anything. Life is too short and too precious to hide behind the lies of “I’m okay”. I am working though this and I am okay…..and if I have a moment when I’m not….that’s okay too. I’m just human. We all have ups and downs and it’s ALL OKAY! Feel your feelings, good or bad and then lets just live……I love you my precious girls. I am so proud of you both. You are growing up to be amazing young ladies. You each have different challenges to face in this life, but I LOVE how you LOVE and how you LIVE and how we LAUGH and even how we CRY……you girls are going to accomplish amazing things in your lives. I am so confident of that. I LOVE YOU BOTH INCREDIBLY!

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

12 thoughts on “So Angry”

  1. Patti, so true to all.. it sucks and I believe and are praying for a MIRACLE… nothing less… I love you tons and just want to say I love you. You have an AMAZING family, Gelica and Xani, you are so full of so much, joy, laughter and love… I still giggle having orajel (sp?) put on my toothbrush.. I am so sorry you have to go through this as a family… and I am believing for that miracle. No more pain Gelica, enough. BIG HUGS to you ALL!!!

  2. I know God is Jehovah Rapha. We continue to stand on His Word, He is the great I AM. We thank Him for His grace and mercy over your lives, for an increased strength and for peace to mount guard over your hearts and minds. <3

  3. Hi Patti. Lisa came across your article (I’m assuming through Facebook?) and was telling me about it, through tears. I so appreciated your update; the rawness accompanied by unwavering faith. We cannot imagine what it’s like to be wearing your shoes right now. As a matter of fact, having two young children of our own, I won’t even let myself dwell on things like that. But this comment isn’t intended to express condolences or regrets, even though our hearts break for you all in this darkness. I write to encourage you in your faith. I too hate sickness and disease! It seems day after day in our staff prayer we are interceding for friends who have been diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes I feel a righteous anger against this sickness, and every other disease that deteriorates people.
    But we are not of those who shrink back when the enemy presses in. For nearly 18 years I have fought with Crohn’s disease. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death many times, and twice been close to death’s door. I have been advised by more than a few doctors and specialists to have surgeries that would leave me without parts of my colon, and wearing a bag for life. I have refused. Simply refused. No surgeries. No death. It’s not what God ever wanted for me. It was never in His perfect will. What Jesus accomplished at Calvary was not for a partial wholeness, it was for our complete wholeness. And when he said “It is finished”, it was. I’d like to say that I have no more effects of Crohn’s in my body now, but the reality is that the fight is still on. I report though, that at one point this disease took me down to less than 110lbs, and now I am at the best weight I have ever been at. At one time I could barely get off the couch for lack of energy; there was nothing in the tank for work or family. Last fall I completed my 3rd half marathon in Philadelphia and am slated for 2 more this year (with a goal of doing a full marathon next year). I attribute my turnaround to three things: 1. Prayer, 2. More prayer, and 3. (you guessed it) more prayer. But not just prayer that throws a coin in the wishing well, prayer that has claimed God’s promises. Prayer that has the tenacity of the stubborn widow who kept knocking on the door until she got what she wanted. Prayer that realizes that Jesus was so passionate about healing people, that even after his friend Lazarus had died and he wanted to get away to a quiet place for a while, he still healed the mobs of people who followed after him….all night long!

    Out of these unwavering beliefs, and the testimony of my own healing, I offer this prayer of authority for you Patti, your family, and Geli.
    I declare healing in Jesus’ name for Geli! God you never make promises You don’t keep, and in Jeremiah 29:11 you said “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” I lay claim to this promise for Geli in Jesus’ name. I declare prosperity of health in her body. I declare her bones to come alive. I declare ever trace of cancer to go in Jesus’ name! I speak wholeness and wellness in every part of her being. I pray for an army to rise up on her behalf and pray her through to completion, tearing down the enemies attempts in radical fashion! At Calvary you defeated sin. Sickness only came about by sin, so you defeated sickness too. We don’t have to accept it and right now we take our stand against it. We command cancer to leave Geli’s body in Jesus’ name! Amen!

    Patti, I think God showed me something recently about tenacious prayer (as I mentioned about the Widow who just wouldn’t go away), I feel He wants me to “pray through”; to keep on pressing until the answer comes. I have taken to doing that now with three people who need God’s touch. Geli will be the fourth.

    I’ll be expecting great things from a great God.

    With much love,

  4. Hey Patti i can relate to you. 2 1/2 years after diagnosed with the cancer i myself said enough is enough and scream at God telling him i cannot take it anymore.
    I had no body at that time but i had God who walks with me in that tough journey. Praying for you and wishing i could give you a hug today. Been there. I understand you Patti, I understand the anger. love and prayers Debra

  5. We agree with you in the Name of Jesus. New Bone for Geli’s legs….We agree we want a Miracle from Our Father the creator who created Her legs in the first place. Show your self strong Lord Jesus in Geli’s body….And we give you all the glory.
    Love Mom and Dad,
    love, Nana Karen and Papa Mark

  6. Patti AS I read Gords letter I saidYes Lord we beleive this and hold on to our Lord for those dead bones to come alive even as they did

    Dear Patti My heart is heavy with your latest news of Angelics legs ,I so agree with Gords prayer and every time I think about Angelicas legs I think of the Bones in Ezekiel that were commanded to come alive. I so agree with Gords prayer and the ladies in
    A.P.A were fasting and praying for you. Also Pastor Glen had the assembly pray for you,they gathered around us on your behalf and prayed very fervently.We will pray withyou for a real miracle from the Lord. And oh I pray for strength for you and Jon Peace that passes understanding Much love Grandma

  7. Patti & family…you have so many prayer warriors for Angelica…we too stand in agreement for healing. In the meantime, there are therapies that can & DO stimulate bone growth. Specifically acupuncture that attaches electrodes to the end of the needles in order to send currents to the necrotic area thus stimulating bone growth. There is a wonderful, gentle acupuncturist in Langley named Simon. Please let me know if you would like more information.

  8. Hey Patti…Ijust read this….I’m so sorry that this journey’s been so hard…and made you feel so alone at times. I know that it seems so ‘pat’ for me to say that I’m praying for you…and it frustrates me too. I wish we were closer. I wish I wasn’t so busy with my own life and the church..and the family..and the dog..and gramma!! Yes…the list is ridiculous….BUT in the midst of my most busy days, God will stop me and say ‘ Pray for Patti – right now.’..and I do! Other times He puts Jon or one of the kids on myheart…and again…i stop and pray! I just wanted youto know…and tho it won’t eleviate your anger…( that’s just something you’ve got to process thru with Him)..ihope itwill lift off some lonliness – or just enough, that some light will get in to that place that seems so bleak right now..and you’ll be able to feel the Sun on your face…the Son in your heart…and be able to breathe…..just breathe one deep breath, and pause from all the pain and the weight of all that this cancer has brought on your heart and on your shoulders – one deep deep breath of life. ‘Breath of life, breathe on me. Breath of life..fill me today.’…. I’ll continue to pray…and continue to pray for bright spots to appear…
    Love you…my dear dear friend…

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