So Angry

I’m so angry right now.

So incredibly angry. It doesn’t help that Jon and I had a sweet argument in the middle of everything. We are both processing and it’s tough. I want to just be mean – I’m so not perfect – but there is no point. I’m not out to hurt him….even if my broken self feels like it might make me feel better, even for a moment.

We got a phone call today that we didn’t want.

Angelica has been diagnosed with Avascular Necrosis or bone death. Part of the long leg bones (Femur and Tibia) closest to the knees have some moderate death in them. We don’t know very much at this point and we won’t know more until we meet with the Orthopedic Surgeon.

Worse Case Scenario – New Knees.

There are other options, but none of them are anywhere as good as NO BONE DEATH. We have about 8 to 9 more cycles of this crap until Maintenance is over and we could see the end in sight and to have this come up….it feels like a HUGE BLOW.

The Dr kept saying that Leukemia is life threatening and knee replacement is not….and its not even a guarantee that she would need knee replacements. I know that obviously in the grand scheme of things…a life threatening disease is WAY worse than something that is treatable and NON-life threatening……..BUT HONESTLY……THIS SUCKS SO BAD!

I just want to scream. THIS IS ENOUGH. NO MORE! PLEASE GOD! PLEASE PROTECT US AND KEEP US SAFE. PROTECT MY DAUGHTER. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANY MORE CRAP.

I don’t blame God for everything and yet…..truth be told. I’m angry. I’m upset. I don’t understand. I don’t feel very loved right now. And yet that goes against what I believe….I believe that God is a loving God. I don’t believe that He makes this crap happen. I don’t believe that He is testing us or teaching us something. I do believe that we live in an imperfect world with lots of things that go wrong and that there is sin and death and that regardless of what we go through…….He is always with us.

I choose to believe this. I choose to believe that He cares for Angelica even more than I do. I choose to believe that He is a good God. I don’t currently feel it, but I choose to believe it. I have faith that everything will work out for us. I choose to believe that everything will work out for Angelica. I don’t know how, but I do believe it.

But tonight….I’m angry. I’m angry at cancer. I’m angry that this wasn’t caught sooner. I’m angry that my daughter is in pain. I’m angry that Jon and I are so tired. I’m angry that we fought. I’m really angry about a lot of things….

This sucks. I know that I need to process this latest news and yet…I don’t even know how to do that…..

We will be okay. Angelica will be okay.

I choose to believe that even if it’s the last thing I feel……

I’m speaking life to Angelica’s bones. And I’m asking for you to speak life into her bones too….If you pray, pray for a miracle. We could really use one. I’m well aware of our reality and yet….I want a miracle!

Jon and I could also use some prayer. We are tired. SO Tired! So Worn out.

Geli and Xani, if you are reading this…..I’m okay! I promise. I’m upset and as I’ve told you a million times…….it’s okay to be upset. Just like I’ve told you…..feel your feelings, recognize what they are and then let them go……….and carry on “LIVING” your life. It’s okay to process. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to melt down and even have a hissy fit. Bad stuff happens sometimes, but we choose to not stay in the middle of the crap. This is just something that we WILL get through. We will continue to breathe and learn and make the best choices and we will choose to live life to the fullest , we will laugh and have fun and most importantly, we will love. I will help to carry you when you are down and you will love me and lift me up when I’m down. We do this because we are family. I’m just having a down moment, but if you see me tomorrow and I look okay…..it’s because I am. I’m not hiding anything. Life is too short and too precious to hide behind the lies of “I’m okay”. I am working though this and I am okay…..and if I have a moment when I’m not….that’s okay too. I’m just human. We all have ups and downs and it’s ALL OKAY! Feel your feelings, good or bad and then lets just live……I love you my precious girls. I am so proud of you both. You are growing up to be amazing young ladies. You each have different challenges to face in this life, but I LOVE how you LOVE and how you LIVE and how we LAUGH and even how we CRY……you girls are going to accomplish amazing things in your lives. I am so confident of that. I LOVE YOU BOTH INCREDIBLY!