So Many Thoughts, Not Enough Time to Think

I have so many things that I’m trying to think through and I just wish that I could just “sort” a few of them out so that I could “file them and put them away” if you know what I mean.

There are things that we are working through and trying and wondering about and it’s all complicated and messy and well….there are a whole bunch of “adult decisions” that we need to make right now.

Well okay, we don’t have to make any decisions at this exact moment and some things we cannot make decisions about right now, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t think things through so that we can at least make well thought out decisions if and/or when the time does come right.

One of the things that it taking up WAY TOO MUCH mental space inside of me is the whole “store” deal.

I love to create! I love creating things and I have for as long as I can remember. I feel like it’s something that I’m supposed to do and yet I don’t know “what” it is that I’m supposed to do with that creativity. I could just create for pure enjoyment purposes, but I keep feeling like I am capable of doing more with my creativity and yet……I don’t know what.

I’m beaten and battered by insecurity and fear when it comes to putting myself out there to see if anyone would be interested in purchasing the things that I create because, for whatever twisted reason, I equate lack of purchases with personal rejection.

See, these things that I create….I put a little bit of myself into each one, so when I try to sell things (and I’m not even talking just about right now, this is right now and in the recent past and in the far distant past) if they are not wildly received and purchased in a mad flurry of excitement and energy – then I feel like “I’m” not good enough….

Messed up, eh?

I know it is. I don’t want to live like that and so I keep trying. Often I try badly, with only a half attempt so that no one knows or guesses how much I care. Often I throw it off like a passing interest so that I don’t seem that invested in it, all in an attempt to fool myself into not caring and then not getting hurt.

I can tell myself that I love to create. I can tell myself that regardless of what happens – I will continue to create and give things away because I FEED and THRIVE ON CREATIVITY.

Even saying that, I plagued by thoughts. Comparisons, insecurities, criticism….so many thoughts and yet…

I AM CREATIVE!

I think I’m saying that in an effort to personally grab a hold of that concept and embrace it as truth.

“I” am creative!

I “AM” creative!

I am “CREATIVE”!

“I AM CREATIVE!!!!”

All I know is that I love to create….

I bought a small watercolor journal in the summer and told myself that I was going to paint. Just…..PAINT! If it was crap – well then it was my crap! I painted my feelings and paired them with words and inspirations that mirror those feelings. I can see the difference between my first painting in that book and the most recent ones. I’m a bit more comfortable. I’m a bit more confident. And that’s only in the last 4 months….

I’m going to continue to create.

Intentionally! I can only get better. It doesn’t matter what it is – I need to create, even if it is only for me.

And I’ve decided that I’m going to give the whole store a go. I’ve been waffling so badly on it and every day the mental anguish has been worse than the day before….the thoughts and fears and insecurities swirl round and round and round until I’m dizzy and sick because of it all. And because I do not want to live that way, nor model that for my children, I’m just going to say it out loud here (more for myself than for any of you)…

I’m going give the whole “store” a real go..I’m gonna try. I’m going to CREATE things and stock a store and attempt to sell things and I will attempt to NOT find my worth in the things that I create. I’m so much more than that….

Currently my store is on Etsy, but we are working on a better one….Whether anyone buys or not – I’m going to work as hard as I can at creating beautiful things to stock the store with. Things that I love! At the very least, I will have amazing gifts to give away whenever I want to….I don’t even have to wait for a special occasion. I will not judge my worth by whether or not people buy. This is a tough time in the economy – we understand that and regardless…..I’m going to create.

I hope you understand that I’m not saying this in an attempt to manipulate you. I needed to put this out there for myself. I need to face these thoughts, these Worry Dragons and tell them to “Be Still” or better yet to “Be Gone!”. I need to remind myself that I am loved and not rejected. I need to remind myself that people are out there ready to accept me and not waiting and searching for an opportunity to reject me. People are not looking for something to knock me down with but they are there to encourage and support me and life me up.

I choose to accept those as truths in my life. I am worth being accepted. I am worth being loved.

This past year has played a big number on me and while I accept and appreciate all your support and love….my life has been so insular and I’ve not had a lot of personal, face-to-face, human contact; and so many of the fears and worry dragons that I had faced, beaten back or even beaten down have slowly crept back up and are trying to get back into my life and I don’t want to let them in.

And so, I make no bones about it…..I have a store. Currently it’s over here (click to go through to Etsy)…..it will be here for now and I’ll continue to add more things to it, until the new store (yes, we are working on a different store option and it’s going to be amazing when it’s done) is finished being set up.

That being said, the name of my store is “Simple Choices“…..I’d love it if you would check it out. I’ll be adding more and more items to the store in teh coming days, so keep checking back.

I am passionate about living simply. I’m passionate about having healthy, natural alternatives to the chemicals that we so often use without even realizing; whether it be on our babies or on our bodies or in our homes. I’m passionate about simple toys that won’t harm our children (with chemicals in the plastic) and that will stimulate creativity and imagination. I’m passionate about learning about healthy and natural living and sharing that knowledge with others who want to learn about it. I’m so excited to share how small simple choices can make such a HUGE difference.

My life has been radically changed (for the better) by a whole bunch of small, simple choices. It didn’t happen overnight and I have so many more choices that I could make to be healthier, but like the name of the store, “Simple Choices”… Life is all about the simple choices. You might be surprised at how those simple choices add up…. That doesn’t mean that it’s always the easiest choice, but there are a lot of times in life where the harder, more difficult things are often appreciated more because of the effort that we must put in to them.

Simple Choices can make a huge difference in your life…I know they have in mine. I know that as I continue to make simple choices, I’ll continue to see the benefits in my life and in the lives of those around me….

“There may be a thousand little choices in a day. All of them count.”

Dr. Shad Helmstetter

I’d love it if you would take a look at my new Website….it’s still under construction, so you might want your hard hat and your steel toed boots, but I promise that we’ll be up and running smoothly in no time.

Come on over and join in on the fun…..

simplechoices.ca

ps….you can also check out the Simple Choices blog. It was supposed to be a little readier than it is, BUT…we’ve had some fun this morning. Check back tomorrow for all the CRAZY Drama from this morning…..

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

3 thoughts on “So Many Thoughts, Not Enough Time to Think”

  1. Hey Patti you are creative. Have you thought about maybe have a little book called Patti’s favourite recipies and it includes all the gluten free food you make. When you get the little book made up – it does not have to be printed by publisher just printed receipies. i dont know if you are allow to this – copy right rules? you take GREAT photos of the food you make. Let me know if you get the book made up i would buy it. You are very gifted. I cannot wear jewelery due to allergy. YOU ARE CREATIVE AND VERY GOOD AT IT. blessings Debra

  2. I guess all those years when you were young and mixing all the different things you could find in the cupboards and hiding them in the bathroom under the bottom shelf to see what would happen; have finally blossomed into a for real grown up creativity that is a blessing to you and to others. YOU ARE AMAZING! And you truly are CREATIVE!

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