We’re going through some stuff right now and it’s been dragging on for a while now and as far as I can see there’s no end in sight.
I feel hurt and misunderstood and confused and upset and a little bit angry and I’m not even finished feeling all the feelings swirling around inside of me.
There is a small part of me that just wants to hide inside my house for the next however long and not come out and not talk to anyone and not have to deal with anyone beacause then I wouldn’t have to deal with anything and then maybe I could just ignore things for a while and feel at peace for a tiny bit of time.
I know it doens’t work like that, and I know that in the end….one day….many years from now (that’s meant to be funny – see “ha ha” trying to make light of the situation – is it working?) that we’ll look back on this and it won’t seem so overwhelming, but right now…right while it’s all in the thick of it, and I don’t know what to do or have anyone to talk to, it sucks?
You might wonder why I don’t have anyone to talk to, and I’ll try to explain….
See, I’m not going to talk about what’s going on.Â I’m not going to say that there are sides or that anyone is right or wrong….all I’m willing to talk about is “How I feel….”Â It is enough to say that we have come to a place where some decisions need to be made and it feels like regardless of what decison that we make….we are screwed.
I really can’t see the silver lining in any choice that we make, and I have no clue as to what the right choice is, or if there even is a right choice or if everything is a wrong choice and if we’re just trying to make the best wrong choice….how is that even possible…..
Well, it’s probably not the case – but it’s just how I’m feeling.
It feels like we’ve been left out in the desert to flail around in the hopes that we’ll find a path and that hopefully it’ll be the right one, and like I said….right now I’m finding it hard to even believe that there is a right one.
I just want to sit down and cry.Â There are so many aspects and facets of this whole situation and it feels like an impossibility to ever be able to work through and come to conclusion on it all.
I hate that running away isn’t even an option….not that I really mean that, but that’s how I’m feeling…..I’m sad and tired of it all.
Tomorrow will be a better day, right?
4:21pm – Edited to Add
I really didnâ€™t do a very god job of explaining all of this, and for that I apologize.
Iâ€™m not willing to talk about all of this because I only want to share what Iâ€™m feeling and not end up saying something that would ever end up hurting someone else or making it sound like someone is at faultâ€¦.this is not an â€œat fault situationâ€ itâ€™s just something that needs to be processed and some decisions made. We are just wanting to make the best decisions possible and to be able to move forward with â€œthingsâ€ being as clear and concise and relational as possible.
I talk about wanting to run away, and that might be what I feel when it starts to feel jumbled and overwhelming for me, but I know thatâ€™s not an option and I know that it wouldnâ€™t help anything. Itâ€™s just what I feel like when it all starts to â€œgetâ€ to me.
The emotions that I shared aboutâ€¦â€¦â€¦ feeling hurt and misunderstood and angryâ€¦.Iâ€™m also feeling a whole ton of other emotions, so many and they are swirling around so fast that Iâ€™m struggling to even name them all myself. It feels like Iâ€™m feeling one way, and then there is something else to process and then I add other feelings and then there is something else to process and then Iâ€™m feeling other things and itâ€™s just one giant whirlwind.
I need to be able to be open with how Iâ€™m feeling, even if Iâ€™m feeling like I canâ€™t just lay it all out there.
And so thatâ€™s the reason why Iâ€™m brain dumping right nowâ€¦.this wonâ€™t all go away tomorrow and I know that thereâ€™s a better than even chance that Iâ€™ll still be upset about this tomorrow, but for some reasonâ€¦itâ€™s hitting me really hard today and I canâ€™t just blather on about baking soda shampoo or Jeremy or any of the other things in my life that I blather on and on aboutâ€¦Donâ€™t stress, this has been going on for almost 3 months now and if Iâ€™ve seemed okay to you, thatâ€™s because I mostly amâ€¦..I will be okay – eventuallyâ€¦itâ€™s just a bad day and one day it wonâ€™t be any more â€“ Oh how I long for that day.â€¦.Arenâ€™t we all entitled to a bad day from time to time?