No Clue What We Were Up Against

Sometimes it’s easy to post and sometimes it’s really difficult.

I’ve been finding it quite difficult recently. There are things I want to say, thoughts that I want to share and yet when I go to unravel the mess inside my brain….it’s more difficult than I thought it would be.


Xandra just got back from 3 days away at Camp Jubilee as part of her Grade Seven Grad Trip.

She was so excited to go and while I was thrilled for her, there was a part of me that felt unsettled and uneasy.

She spent about 3 days before the trip packing and preparing and it reminded me so much of last year when we were doing the exact same thing for Geli.

The difference was that Angelica was not feeling one hundred percent.

Obviously, there is a good reason for that now, but back then, we didn’t know. We had no clue what we were up against. I was so pregnant and so looking forward to having Judah. Geli’s complaints of feeling tired were easily explained away by the fact that she was a teenager, and the rash that she had on her legs was probably from some reaction to soap or most likely a virus.

We sent her off to the Camp and when she got home…she was obviously quite ill. Sick enough (and I was pregnant enough) that a trip to the Dr. was very important. I am so thankful that we didn’t wait longer. I’m not one to take my kids to the Dr for every cough or sore throat and there is a good chance that were I not going to have a baby any day and the fact that if it might be Strep Throat….I didn’t want to deal with a highly contagious illness with a newborn in the house…..that we would have waited even longer to take her in. I don’t even let myself think about how much worse she would have/could have gotten had we not gone in to see our family Dr and gotten blood work.

We had no clue what we were up against.

Xandra made it off to the camping trip and I have spent the last few days alternating between worrying and telling myself not to worry. Xandra is well. Xandra is healthy. Xandra is amazing! Yes, this has been a tough year on her (as it’s been on all of us) but we are making our way through this….through the good times and the bad times. We will survive. We will overcome this.

She came home today and we drove to the school to pick her up. As we drove up to the front of the school, every muscle in my body was tense and I kept looking…searching for some sign that she might not be feeling well. I waited until she opened the van door, praying that I wouldn’t hear the scratchy voice of a cough or the nasal voice of a stuffed nose……and at the same time, I’d already prepped myself that she’d been in close contact with a whole bunch of other kids, who had ingested a ton of crap food with very little sleep… illness would not be out of the ordinary.

Her eyes looked bright and cheerful. Her skin was sun kissed and bight. She had a skip in her step and a song in her voice as she greeted us and the breath that I’d been holding so very tight let out…….a little.

It’s a hard thing to deal with; having your child be diagnosed with a life threatening illness and then trying to carry on with life. It s not an easy thing and too many times I’ve had nightmares of something horrible happening my other children. Too many times I’ve worried or stressed about things that have never come to pass.


So much of this journey is “too much”…..I know that I have a lot to “heal” from. There are times where I’ve felt traumatized by what has happened and yet I carry on. I must! But the effects of what we’ve been though have left their mark and I’m not yet in a position of strength.

I will be. Every day, I grow stronger and some days I feel like I’ve healed….and then something like these past few days happens and I see that I’m not quite there yet.

It will come. I believe. It must!

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

One thought on “No Clue What We Were Up Against”

  1. I love you. I can’t imagine what this year has been like.. I know for me just being as close as we are that every lingering cough I have taken my girls to the DR…and I normally wouldn’t do I can imagine that if it has affected ME that much how much more it would affect you! thanks for your honesty and beauty and strength!!

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